You know you've made it in Hollywood when.....

1. You are asked to be on "Dancing with the Stars"-- if you could see me now you would see me using air quotes around Stars. I am completely flabbergasted that a hilarious person such as myself still has not made it, yet The Situation (really?) is on the stupidest tv show ever created. And people love this shit! There are billboards and t-shirts and thousands of water cooler conversations. It makes me sad to know that there is a whole culture of Americans who live and die by whether or not a has been can dance the meringue. And by the way, since when are horrible reality TV personnel and underqualified TV anchorpeople considered to be stars? I don't really care if Kate can dance- why isn't she taking care of her gaggle of kids (because we know her douche bag ex isn't doing it).

2. You start to research ridiculous plastic surgeries to make you fit in better. For instance, I am curious about second toe shortening. My second toe is about half an inch longer than all of my other toes (this means that I have to wear a size 8 1/2 because the extra length on my toe can't be jammed into an 8). People stare, and sometimes laugh. I always thought it was endearing, but then someone pointed out to me that my toe is as long as my pinkie (which is true)- so
I wondered if there is a surgery to reduce the size of the toe? I also wonder if there is a procedure that will reduce nipple size? Hollywood really isn't the place for nipples the size of small plates.

3. You wake up 30 minutes early every day to watch the traffic reports. When I was in Colorado we had to contend with snow, out here it is sheer volume. The fact that about every 3rd car on the freeway has NO RIGHT to be on the road, much less a freeway, breakdowns are common and can catastrophically damage your morning commute. They have even hired someone specifically to do the traffic reports-- that's her entire job. I used to think that being a weather person in LA would be a pretty easy job (the temperature varies about 10 degrees through the year- rarely rains-- really there is no weather); but then I watched the traffic reports. That is the job for me!!

4. You are irritated because the mall in the valley does NOT have valet parking. How dare they?

5. You actually set out to find flip flops that would be acceptable with a dress. Trust me, the search is on!!!