More wedding shenanigans.....

I warn anyone and everyone who is reading this blog and may be related to me (including my new sister)-- DON'T get mad....i am funny! I only poke fun at those I love!

With that disclaimer out of the way, I take this chance to let you all in on a few family secrets- as I would have loved to include in my speech. It was more of a roast rather than a toast, at least in it's original form.

I wanted to warn Laura of what she was walking into...and now that she is contractually bound to be a member of the Andrews family...here goes!

1. My mom-- very sweet- but the saying that people become eccentric as they get older could never ring so true but with my mom. A couple of years ago, my parents went to Hawaii with some friends and asked me to come back to Colorado and watch the horses and all of the animals while they were gone. Sure, not a problem. However, this was probably the snowiest January I had ever seen in Colorado so I spent a good time marooned at their house...with not a lot to do and even less to eat. One fine day, I decided to raid the freezer in the garage hoping to find some delicious, frosty treat. My mom has a habit of buying candy and other bad foods and hiding them around the house so no one else can find them (even though it's only my mom and dad in that house, she still does it). I was rummaging through the freezer and what should I find, but a Target bag, wrapped around something. I am thinking this could be ice-cream...or something....but no...it was an OWL! Holy shit- my mom had an owl in her freezer, where there was people food, wrapped in a Target bag. When they called to check in on me, I asked what this was all about. Apparently this OWL flew into a window on the porch and broke it's neck and my mom thought it was so beautiful that she wanted to find someone to stuff it for her. Low and behold, it was a protected bird and she didn't want to hand it over to the state, so she was stashing it away in her freezer until she found a taxidermist prepared to commit a felony in order to stuff her bird. She explained this to me as if I should have known.....and let me tell you- about a month later she made a very uncharacteristic phone call to me to tell me (in a VERY animated voice) that she found almost a whole dead baby fox....and it was now in the freezer. Thank God she came to her senses and finally got rid of her small but growing collection of dead animals in the freezer, next to people food.

So, without a doubt, my mom is eccentric- of not crazy. But we all love her- I just needed to warn Laura-- DON'T EVER open a container or bag without asking first, because I can't promise you what will be in there. I wouldn't be surprised to find a shrunken head in there one day!

2. And then we move onto my dad. He loves Bailey more than he loves life itself. Now keep in mind that this is the same man who threatened divorce when my mom let my brother and I get pets. He never liked the pets we grew up with. The only time he was interested in horses was when he used to go hunting and had to pack horse all the way to the camp site. So when I realized that my dad loves his dog, Bailey, more than anything else in life- I was a little shocked. I had to learn that dad will kick me off of the couch if Bailey wants to be up there. When mom is gone, Bailey sleeps in the bed with him. He would bring the dog to work with him, if he could. I find myself jealous....in a strange way. I wonder if Bailey is ever jealous of me?

Also, my dad tends to sleep in front of the TV. AND he snores....but he will deny it until the day he dies. He also denies that he is sleeping. But he will tilt the chair back, turn on golf, and within a few minutes he is snoring away. Normally this would be expected- I mean, I can't think of a better thing to use to help one fall asleep than watching golf on TV, but if you try to change the channel, he will awake at the exact moment that the channel changes as if electrocuted. It's hysterical, but then he gets a little mad. So don't try to change the channel when he is sleeping in front of the TV. Just not a good plan!

Before the wedding, I interviewed for a job (that I got!) and they wanted me to start the same week as the wedding. I told them I could not start that week because I was going to a giant wedding. They all smiled and gave me that knowing look- asking how big the wedding was going to be. I told them it was a fairly small wedding, but that actual GIANTS were getting married. I have the pictures to prove it!!! I wonder how tall their kids will be?

Finally- as we have all realized- I will never be married and will never have kids (likely will never be in another relationship!!)- so having grandkids is up to Steve and Laura. My dad wants them yesterday--- so get to working, kids! If it's a girl, Christine is a really nice name!! Tee hee hee!