Worst interviews ever.,,,,

As I venture into the world of needing to find a job, I have put a lot of time into thinking about the interview process. I would like to share these thoughts with you.

Usually you are asked something along the lines of "what brings you here"...... This is one of the stupidest questions ever. I need a job, dillhole. I have often wanted to say something like "for fun" or "on a dare".

Then comes the most ambiguous question-- demand really--the "tell me about yourself." How personal is appropriate on this one. I mean, there is a lot that someone might want to know about me, especially if sharing a small office space with me. For instance, I am slightly lactose intolerant. If I have a milk shake or a bowl of cereal, I pity the person who shares my cubicle. I probably should say those things, but it's a good piece of information. I would like to know if the person who will share my workspace is occasionally flatulent. What else can I tell someone about myself--- something like I have a really long tongue (I can touch my nose); or that I have the smallest fingernails EVER. Maybe that I am illogically scared of bees and other insects that can bite or sting me. Also, I don't like birds....they freak me out. Snakes....no good. On the other hand, I am an animal lover. Go figure, eh?

Should I tell the interviewers that when I was 12 Bon Jovi ruled the universe and EVERY available space on the wall had a Bon Jovi picture on it? (I'll bet that was a bitch for my parents to fill in all those holes when they painted my room when we moved....oh, yeah....sorry about that). I am thinking that I probably shouldn't tell the interviewers that one of the best gifts I have ever received was a home made Beavis doll. That was AWESOME. Should I tell them that I can guess EVERY surprise? Black licorice makes me gag (except in Jaeger form...then I can drink all night!!). Should I mention that my second toe is like 1/2 inch longer than my big toe? I probably should mention to them that I have occasional outbreaks of adult acne (DAMMIT).

I think you tubes videos where people get hurt are funny. I think vidoes where birds poop in people's mouths is even better. I can tell the most inappropriate jokes ever......I just have a brain that works that way sometimes. Sometimes I pretend I can't hear you, when really I am just ignoring you. That is something that I should likely leave out of the interview process, eh?

And what's up with the "what is your dream job" or "what would you be doing if you could be doing anything in the world?" What is this fart knocker trying to learn about me from that dumbass question. I mean, really..... I know that the answer is "Oh, I'd like a secure job working for you where I can contribute and the company can take advantage of the plethora of innovative ideas that I have to offer....." (I want to punch myself when I say this). The true answer-- much better. What is my dream job??? Kicking your ass for a living, and getting paid...six figures ,douche bag!

I wonder why I am still unemployed?????