Well, I have FINALLY landed a new job- which I begin in a week. This will be interesting......a new job. I guess I will be staying in LA after all (and yes, there was a question about that for a while!) I have one week left before going to work, so I am going to strive to enjoy this last week. Now that I know I will have an income, I will feel freer to enjoy California while I wait to return to the salt mines.
What should I do? I am thinking of a drive up the coast- with no particular destination- just drive until....??? That could be cool.....maybe some time at the beach. But don't worry, I won't be like laying in the sun or swimming or anything like that--- the unemployment has not done any favors for my figure. I look like I am 6 months pregnant! Oh well- time to lose the belly. I guess I could tell everyone that it is baby weight---- except that I don't have a baby. Hmmmm.....the thing I hate most about gaining weight, and believe me, I have a lot of experience, is having to buy new fat clothes. They tell you to get rid of the fat clothes once you lose the weight, so I always do, and then I inevitably gain the weight back.
Well, for now I suppose that I will now be employed, but as a result of the above mentioned weight gain I will be single for a while longer! :)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Worst interviews ever.,,,,
As I venture into the world of needing to find a job, I have put a lot of time into thinking about the interview process. I would like to share these thoughts with you.
Usually you are asked something along the lines of "what brings you here"...... This is one of the stupidest questions ever. I need a job, dillhole. I have often wanted to say something like "for fun" or "on a dare".
Then comes the most ambiguous question-- demand really--the "tell me about yourself." How personal is appropriate on this one. I mean, there is a lot that someone might want to know about me, especially if sharing a small office space with me. For instance, I am slightly lactose intolerant. If I have a milk shake or a bowl of cereal, I pity the person who shares my cubicle. I probably should say those things, but it's a good piece of information. I would like to know if the person who will share my workspace is occasionally flatulent. What else can I tell someone about myself--- something like I have a really long tongue (I can touch my nose); or that I have the smallest fingernails EVER. Maybe that I am illogically scared of bees and other insects that can bite or sting me. Also, I don't like birds....they freak me out. Snakes....no good. On the other hand, I am an animal lover. Go figure, eh?
Should I tell the interviewers that when I was 12 Bon Jovi ruled the universe and EVERY available space on the wall had a Bon Jovi picture on it? (I'll bet that was a bitch for my parents to fill in all those holes when they painted my room when we moved....oh, yeah....sorry about that). I am thinking that I probably shouldn't tell the interviewers that one of the best gifts I have ever received was a home made Beavis doll. That was AWESOME. Should I tell them that I can guess EVERY surprise? Black licorice makes me gag (except in Jaeger form...then I can drink all night!!). Should I mention that my second toe is like 1/2 inch longer than my big toe? I probably should mention to them that I have occasional outbreaks of adult acne (DAMMIT).
I think you tubes videos where people get hurt are funny. I think vidoes where birds poop in people's mouths is even better. I can tell the most inappropriate jokes ever......I just have a brain that works that way sometimes. Sometimes I pretend I can't hear you, when really I am just ignoring you. That is something that I should likely leave out of the interview process, eh?
And what's up with the "what is your dream job" or "what would you be doing if you could be doing anything in the world?" What is this fart knocker trying to learn about me from that dumbass question. I mean, really..... I know that the answer is "Oh, I'd like a secure job working for you where I can contribute and the company can take advantage of the plethora of innovative ideas that I have to offer....." (I want to punch myself when I say this). The true answer-- much better. What is my dream job??? Kicking your ass for a living, and getting paid...six figures ,douche bag!
I wonder why I am still unemployed?????
Usually you are asked something along the lines of "what brings you here"...... This is one of the stupidest questions ever. I need a job, dillhole. I have often wanted to say something like "for fun" or "on a dare".
Then comes the most ambiguous question-- demand really--the "tell me about yourself." How personal is appropriate on this one. I mean, there is a lot that someone might want to know about me, especially if sharing a small office space with me. For instance, I am slightly lactose intolerant. If I have a milk shake or a bowl of cereal, I pity the person who shares my cubicle. I probably should say those things, but it's a good piece of information. I would like to know if the person who will share my workspace is occasionally flatulent. What else can I tell someone about myself--- something like I have a really long tongue (I can touch my nose); or that I have the smallest fingernails EVER. Maybe that I am illogically scared of bees and other insects that can bite or sting me. Also, I don't like birds....they freak me out. Snakes....no good. On the other hand, I am an animal lover. Go figure, eh?
Should I tell the interviewers that when I was 12 Bon Jovi ruled the universe and EVERY available space on the wall had a Bon Jovi picture on it? (I'll bet that was a bitch for my parents to fill in all those holes when they painted my room when we moved....oh, yeah....sorry about that). I am thinking that I probably shouldn't tell the interviewers that one of the best gifts I have ever received was a home made Beavis doll. That was AWESOME. Should I tell them that I can guess EVERY surprise? Black licorice makes me gag (except in Jaeger form...then I can drink all night!!). Should I mention that my second toe is like 1/2 inch longer than my big toe? I probably should mention to them that I have occasional outbreaks of adult acne (DAMMIT).
I think you tubes videos where people get hurt are funny. I think vidoes where birds poop in people's mouths is even better. I can tell the most inappropriate jokes ever......I just have a brain that works that way sometimes. Sometimes I pretend I can't hear you, when really I am just ignoring you. That is something that I should likely leave out of the interview process, eh?
And what's up with the "what is your dream job" or "what would you be doing if you could be doing anything in the world?" What is this fart knocker trying to learn about me from that dumbass question. I mean, really..... I know that the answer is "Oh, I'd like a secure job working for you where I can contribute and the company can take advantage of the plethora of innovative ideas that I have to offer....." (I want to punch myself when I say this). The true answer-- much better. What is my dream job??? Kicking your ass for a living, and getting paid...six figures ,douche bag!
I wonder why I am still unemployed?????
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
For whom the rules don't apply....
Has anyone ever noticed that there is an ever increasing population of people for whom the rules don't apply?
Let me give you an example. When I went to traffic school I learned that a solid double yellow line meant that you can't cross it. Apparently, this is not the case, for some people. They cross those lines like they are going out of business!!!! And without even the common courtesy of a blinker.....
And then there are the people who create their own lanes. Last I checked the bike lane was meant for BIKES-- not for cars to squeeze into when they need to gain that precious 5 seconds when turning right. Then again, there are the ass clowns (why should I change my name? He's the one that sucks) that decide they would like to turn left FROM THE CENTER LANE. These people should be killed- INSTANTLY!
Do people who don't pay their registration irritate anyone as much as me? (Sorry, Allison, it has to be said!) I hate pulling up behind someone and seeing 2007 on their tags.... UGH!
Yesterday there was a woman at the grocery store who couldn't count. She was in the ten items or less lane-- clearly with about 500 items. The line is a cash only line- with the theory being that the line will be fast for those of us who were buying a jug of milk. So after the cowardly checker rings her up (I would have told her that she didn't qualify to be in that line) the woman begins to haggle with her over a dented can of peached. Are you shitting me? Not only are you going to break the rules but you want a discount because your dumb ass picked out a dented can? REALLY? So then the manager has to come over and tell her that he will not give her a quarter off the can of peaches ( I, on the other hand, as a manager, would have thrown the can of peaches at her head) and then has to turn the key to have the can of peaches removed from her bill (why you need a manager to take of a can of peaches, I am still not sure). Then that stupid woman pulls out a credit card.....never before have I imagined slicing someone's throat with that effing credit card....
Why do some people just not understand the social contract? I mean, lanes on a road are made for a reason, all cars that I know of are equipped with a turn signal (TO BE USED), and people should have to pay for the grapes they eat in the grocery store, right?
Is it just me?
Let me give you an example. When I went to traffic school I learned that a solid double yellow line meant that you can't cross it. Apparently, this is not the case, for some people. They cross those lines like they are going out of business!!!! And without even the common courtesy of a blinker.....
And then there are the people who create their own lanes. Last I checked the bike lane was meant for BIKES-- not for cars to squeeze into when they need to gain that precious 5 seconds when turning right. Then again, there are the ass clowns (why should I change my name? He's the one that sucks) that decide they would like to turn left FROM THE CENTER LANE. These people should be killed- INSTANTLY!
Do people who don't pay their registration irritate anyone as much as me? (Sorry, Allison, it has to be said!) I hate pulling up behind someone and seeing 2007 on their tags.... UGH!
Yesterday there was a woman at the grocery store who couldn't count. She was in the ten items or less lane-- clearly with about 500 items. The line is a cash only line- with the theory being that the line will be fast for those of us who were buying a jug of milk. So after the cowardly checker rings her up (I would have told her that she didn't qualify to be in that line) the woman begins to haggle with her over a dented can of peached. Are you shitting me? Not only are you going to break the rules but you want a discount because your dumb ass picked out a dented can? REALLY? So then the manager has to come over and tell her that he will not give her a quarter off the can of peaches ( I, on the other hand, as a manager, would have thrown the can of peaches at her head) and then has to turn the key to have the can of peaches removed from her bill (why you need a manager to take of a can of peaches, I am still not sure). Then that stupid woman pulls out a credit card.....never before have I imagined slicing someone's throat with that effing credit card....
Why do some people just not understand the social contract? I mean, lanes on a road are made for a reason, all cars that I know of are equipped with a turn signal (TO BE USED), and people should have to pay for the grapes they eat in the grocery store, right?
Is it just me?
Monday, August 11, 2008
This will be the best movie ever made
OMG-- Goonies 2????? WTF???? This is going to be great!!! I can hardly wait! My BFF told me about this little gem.....WOW! They are getting the original cast together (this is not a joke--- can you imagine the original Data?)......
This got me to thinking, what other movies should there be sequels to?
Let's think for a moment.....
I am seeing a Weird Science 2....Gary and Wyatt are back....as geeky old men who create a woman and have to shower with her!
I am having visions of Seventeen Candles.....RIGHT? That would be great-- I wonder what Jake is up to these days?
Maybe a Lunch Club......that could be cool- with Claire and Bender meeting up again at the class reunion? OMG that would be great.....
They make SO many stupid movies these days.....they should just get back to the great classics!
This got me to thinking, what other movies should there be sequels to?
Let's think for a moment.....
I am seeing a Weird Science 2....Gary and Wyatt are back....as geeky old men who create a woman and have to shower with her!
I am having visions of Seventeen Candles.....RIGHT? That would be great-- I wonder what Jake is up to these days?
Maybe a Lunch Club......that could be cool- with Claire and Bender meeting up again at the class reunion? OMG that would be great.....
They make SO many stupid movies these days.....they should just get back to the great classics!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Low riders? REALLY?
I had the rare opportunity to drive on our fine Los Angeles freeways today. And I would like to take this chance to share some observations with you.
Why is there always one shoe on the freeway? How do you lose a shoe? I am not sure how this happens. Do people stick their feet out of the window and lose a shoe? Or are there a lot of one-legged people running around out there with no need for the other shoe so they throw them out of the car window????
Also, I noticed lots of rolls of carpet and other flooring material on the freeway. There was carpet pad, a box of tile, old carpet.....what is that all about? I mean, how can you LOSE A ROLL OF CARPET? They're kind of big? I mean, what would happen if you were driving down the road and a roll of carpet was barreling down the road towards you? HOLY SHIT that would be not good!
Mini vans....no matter what....are not cool. I see these mini vans (specifically Chevy Astrovans and GMC Safaris) with lowered wheels that stick out and like $1000 rims that continue to move when the car is stopped. Uhhhhh......maybe someone should tell these people that expensive pimped out rims aren't going to divert the eyes from the different colored door and the missing head light. No matter how many gold accents are put on the car, I still know that it is a piece of shit....the huge crack in the windshield tells me that. Is there anywhere that car is cool? Seriously....when you turn your car on and there is a blue puff of smoke that comes out of the tailpipe (which is holding on with a wire hanger, BTW) perhaps investing a little money in the running of your car instead of a gold plated marijuana leaf or electric blue undercarriage lighting, eh?
And, here's a question for the brainiacs......so Los Angeles just passed a law that you can only talk on your cell phone in the car if you have a hands free kit. Fair enough, we want you to pay attention to the road and not be fumbling with the phone. So, how do the signs that read "Dial 911 to report accidents" and "remove accidents from road (DUH)" supposed to work out for us? And the personalized license plates and dumb ass bumper stickers??? While I am busy trying to figure out how to work the damn head set and decipher the license plate in front of me, I may crash all the same.....RIGHT? I say, you can't do anything in the car but drive, and maybe the occasional fast food frenzy would be okay.......
Why is there always one shoe on the freeway? How do you lose a shoe? I am not sure how this happens. Do people stick their feet out of the window and lose a shoe? Or are there a lot of one-legged people running around out there with no need for the other shoe so they throw them out of the car window????
Also, I noticed lots of rolls of carpet and other flooring material on the freeway. There was carpet pad, a box of tile, old carpet.....what is that all about? I mean, how can you LOSE A ROLL OF CARPET? They're kind of big? I mean, what would happen if you were driving down the road and a roll of carpet was barreling down the road towards you? HOLY SHIT that would be not good!
Mini vans....no matter what....are not cool. I see these mini vans (specifically Chevy Astrovans and GMC Safaris) with lowered wheels that stick out and like $1000 rims that continue to move when the car is stopped. Uhhhhh......maybe someone should tell these people that expensive pimped out rims aren't going to divert the eyes from the different colored door and the missing head light. No matter how many gold accents are put on the car, I still know that it is a piece of shit....the huge crack in the windshield tells me that. Is there anywhere that car is cool? Seriously....when you turn your car on and there is a blue puff of smoke that comes out of the tailpipe (which is holding on with a wire hanger, BTW) perhaps investing a little money in the running of your car instead of a gold plated marijuana leaf or electric blue undercarriage lighting, eh?
And, here's a question for the brainiacs......so Los Angeles just passed a law that you can only talk on your cell phone in the car if you have a hands free kit. Fair enough, we want you to pay attention to the road and not be fumbling with the phone. So, how do the signs that read "Dial 911 to report accidents" and "remove accidents from road (DUH)" supposed to work out for us? And the personalized license plates and dumb ass bumper stickers??? While I am busy trying to figure out how to work the damn head set and decipher the license plate in front of me, I may crash all the same.....RIGHT? I say, you can't do anything in the car but drive, and maybe the occasional fast food frenzy would be okay.......
Smarter than the average bear, eh?
Ok........not from the brat pack era......but it's kinda easy anyhow.....
"Awwwww.....that sounds good; melted chocolate inside the dash....that really ups the resale."
"I think you're going to be okay here, they have a thin candy shell on them. Surprised you didn't know that."
"Your brain has a thick candy shell on it."
"You...your...brain has the shell on it"
"Are you talking?"
"Shut up, Richard"
OR, if you want a bigger challenge........
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Well, I kinda want to be a writer."
"Dad, I can't see too good, is that Will Shakespear over there?"
"Actually, we try to encourage Brian in his writing."
"Well, LA-DE-FRICKIN-DA"
"Awwwww.....that sounds good; melted chocolate inside the dash....that really ups the resale."
"I think you're going to be okay here, they have a thin candy shell on them. Surprised you didn't know that."
"Your brain has a thick candy shell on it."
"You...your...brain has the shell on it"
"Are you talking?"
"Shut up, Richard"
OR, if you want a bigger challenge........
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Well, I kinda want to be a writer."
"Dad, I can't see too good, is that Will Shakespear over there?"
"Actually, we try to encourage Brian in his writing."
"Well, LA-DE-FRICKIN-DA"
Friday, August 8, 2008
Dead ant...Dead ant...Dead ant dead ant dead ant
Am I the only one who wonders about that one ant that finds it's way past the ba-zillion ant traps and through the poison barrier I created between my house and the outside world? I was taking a shower this morning (boys, don't get too excited!) and there was a random ant on the wall. Of course I killed it. I drowned it, and it was cool.
But then I wondered, what was that ant thinking about? I must seem like a giant white (not caucasian, but WHITE-- those of you who know me will understand this) Godzilla. This must be frightening to the little ant that somehow got into my house....ALONE. I decided that I had to put down about 10 ant traps after a recent infestation of the little bastards. They made a solid line from my back door to the cat food bowl. Let me tell you, Lula wasn't happy about the ants in her food and water. After she hissed at them she ran away and hid under the bed. What can I say, she is an urban cat. She wouldn't know what to do with a real mouse if she ever saw it. She hisses at everything....including her barf...but I digress.
So I wondered about this little ant. Was he freaked out because he was on the wall of my shower watching this behemoth lathering up her hair (again, boys, don't get too excited). I must have scared the shit out of him. Then when I threw the handful of water on him (it's raining!!) and he fell from the wall into the drain. That must have been horrific. But then again, he shouldn't have been in my shower....the little perv!!!
"What's the dirtiest thing ever said on television?"
But then I wondered, what was that ant thinking about? I must seem like a giant white (not caucasian, but WHITE-- those of you who know me will understand this) Godzilla. This must be frightening to the little ant that somehow got into my house....ALONE. I decided that I had to put down about 10 ant traps after a recent infestation of the little bastards. They made a solid line from my back door to the cat food bowl. Let me tell you, Lula wasn't happy about the ants in her food and water. After she hissed at them she ran away and hid under the bed. What can I say, she is an urban cat. She wouldn't know what to do with a real mouse if she ever saw it. She hisses at everything....including her barf...but I digress.
So I wondered about this little ant. Was he freaked out because he was on the wall of my shower watching this behemoth lathering up her hair (again, boys, don't get too excited). I must have scared the shit out of him. Then when I threw the handful of water on him (it's raining!!) and he fell from the wall into the drain. That must have been horrific. But then again, he shouldn't have been in my shower....the little perv!!!
"What's the dirtiest thing ever said on television?"
Another quote....
Allison- this one will be easy for you.....
"If you get the chance....shower with them. I did. It's a mind scrambler."
"If you get the chance....shower with them. I did. It's a mind scrambler."
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Reasons that I am AWESOME....
So, a friend of mine recently said that I am too self deprecating (thanks for the giftie Jon, I will enjoy!!!!)...so here is a list of why I am awesome and people should strive to be more like me!!!
1. I can prolly recite the entire original "Vacation" from beginning to end without many errors-- from memory!
2. I have the best of both worlds, a cat who thinks she is a dog (those of you who have met her can verify that)-- she fetches AND goes on a leash. SHE IS GREAT!
3. I have a problem with adult acne. This is cool because I am admitting it. Wasn't it enough that I dealt with it as a kid??? Apparently not!
4. I did not like Lance. I liked Lance.
5. I am pretty sure that I can eat my own weight in Peanut M&M's (and it would not be a barf-o-rama)
6. I am about to get a new job.
7. I think that every job should have a mad lib break (mad libs to be provided by employer)
8. I LOVE living alone.....this is the best thing ever-- I sleep on my couch, sometimes in the middle of the bed.....this is the greatest thing since Kraft Macaroni and Cheese....and Crown (a surprisingly good mix)
9. My cat, Miss Tallulah Bankhead, has health insurance. I do not.
10. I think farts are funny. Pull my finger is the best joke EVER. Would it be appropriate to have "I promise to always pull your finger" as part of my wedding vows?????
1. I can prolly recite the entire original "Vacation" from beginning to end without many errors-- from memory!
2. I have the best of both worlds, a cat who thinks she is a dog (those of you who have met her can verify that)-- she fetches AND goes on a leash. SHE IS GREAT!
3. I have a problem with adult acne. This is cool because I am admitting it. Wasn't it enough that I dealt with it as a kid??? Apparently not!
4. I did not like Lance. I liked Lance.
5. I am pretty sure that I can eat my own weight in Peanut M&M's (and it would not be a barf-o-rama)
6. I am about to get a new job.
7. I think that every job should have a mad lib break (mad libs to be provided by employer)
8. I LOVE living alone.....this is the best thing ever-- I sleep on my couch, sometimes in the middle of the bed.....this is the greatest thing since Kraft Macaroni and Cheese....and Crown (a surprisingly good mix)
9. My cat, Miss Tallulah Bankhead, has health insurance. I do not.
10. I think farts are funny. Pull my finger is the best joke EVER. Would it be appropriate to have "I promise to always pull your finger" as part of my wedding vows?????
Oh so that's how it is??????
Here's a bit more of a challenge.......
"Chris, I need to see more of you in the lab"
"Okay, I'll gain weight."
Name that one buddy!!!
"Chris, I need to see more of you in the lab"
"Okay, I'll gain weight."
Name that one buddy!!!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
The challenge is answered.....
Well, apparently my last quote challenge wasn't that hard....so...let's see who gets this one....... (again, this is from memory.....)
"I really do have a test today, that wasn't bullshit. It's on European Socialism. Really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't ever plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists and it still doesn't change the fact that I don't have a car.....Not that I condone fascism, or any 'ism' for that matter. 'Ism's' and my opinion are not good. I quote John Lennon....'I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me'. Hmmm, good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus....but I would still have to bum rides off of people."
Answer that....geniuses!!!!
"I really do have a test today, that wasn't bullshit. It's on European Socialism. Really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't ever plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists and it still doesn't change the fact that I don't have a car.....Not that I condone fascism, or any 'ism' for that matter. 'Ism's' and my opinion are not good. I quote John Lennon....'I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me'. Hmmm, good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus....but I would still have to bum rides off of people."
Answer that....geniuses!!!!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Name that movie: (this is from memory......)
"I don't know Clark, what do you think?"
Screech....halting car noise
"You know what I think? I think you are all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. A quest for fun. You're gonna have fun and I'm gonna have fun. We're all going to have so much fucking fun you're going to need a plastic surgeon to remove your god damn smiles. You're going to be whistling zippity doo-dah out of your assholes. I've got to be crazy...I'm on a mission to see a moose. PRAISE MARTY MOOSE....Holy shit"
"Dad, do you need an asprin?"
"Don't touch!"
-**** WOW-- I am my own hero.....I did that from memory. Let's see who's cool enough to name that movie.....it's a gem!!!!
Screech....halting car noise
"You know what I think? I think you are all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. A quest for fun. You're gonna have fun and I'm gonna have fun. We're all going to have so much fucking fun you're going to need a plastic surgeon to remove your god damn smiles. You're going to be whistling zippity doo-dah out of your assholes. I've got to be crazy...I'm on a mission to see a moose. PRAISE MARTY MOOSE....Holy shit"
"Dad, do you need an asprin?"
"Don't touch!"
-**** WOW-- I am my own hero.....I did that from memory. Let's see who's cool enough to name that movie.....it's a gem!!!!
I interrupt you for this commercial break.....
Do certain commercials drive any one else to the brink of insanity? There are a few commercials out there that actually anger me. Let's make a list, shall we?? (Since I am a list maker!!)
1. The Welches White Grape Juice Commercial.
1. The Welches White Grape Juice Commercial.
- The little blonde girl in that commercial should be throttled. Never before have I wanted to punch someone in the throat as much as that little girl. AHHHHHHH.....even thinking about her makes me mad....
- This is the one with the split screen with the orange vonage lady on the right side and "those other guys" on the left side of the screen. What is wrong with that lady? Were her parents brother and sister? Did she eat a lot of paint chips as a child? Check out her eyebrows....she is not natural...nothing about her was formed in nature.
- This clever little ditty has a bunch of "football" player types cooking brats and hot dogs while doing a cheer..."I say Hillshire you say farms...." The reason that this one angers me is because fat men are allowed on TV, but certainly not fat women....hmmmm...I think that this is a bit of discrimination
Monday, August 4, 2008
I'm seeing stars....
I think that the most common question that I am asked when people learn that I live in Hollywood is "So, do you see any stars?" This is a fun question for me to answer because I can test people to see how cool they really are!
See, you can only live in LA for so long before you are bound to run into someone that you have seen on TV. The first person I saw was Danny Bonaducci (sp??) at the local Target. Come to think of it, I have seen a lot of people at Target. That is because Target is HEAVEN ON EARTH. I am pretty sure that I could die in a Target and be happy. Wait, heaven is when Target is empty (which never happens in WeHo) I would be in heaven. Can you even imagine walking down the aisles of a fully stocked Target with no bastard little kids screaming and no retarded people pushing their carts into your heels???? OMG, my pulse is speeding just thinking about it!
Okay, I am calming down now!!! Anyhow, I have seen a couple of stars....you know, Marcia Cross, Billy Dee Williams, Reese Witherspoon. These are all not as exciting as the two I am about to tell you about. The first of the exciting stars comes to us from The Goonies. Remember that movie? That was a great movie (including one of the Two Corey's-- see previous blog). Remember the hispanic maid that the mom hires in the beginning? At the end she is the one who finds the jewels in Mikey's marble bag and screams "no pen-e-men" (my hooked on phonics version of what she shouts out!).....you all know who I am talking about, right? Well, I saw her having a cocktail at the Pig in the Whistle...... that was cool.
The next one....WOW. I saw LONG DUCK DONG! Can you even believe that he was waking around on the Santa Monica Pier completely unmolested? I figured that he would be hounded by paparazzi and people banging gongs!!! It was all I could do to not scream out "Oh Sexy Girl-Friend....." I was so excited I had to immediately call my best friend. It was the greatest moment of my entire life. And people who agree with me....ARE COOL!
See, you can only live in LA for so long before you are bound to run into someone that you have seen on TV. The first person I saw was Danny Bonaducci (sp??) at the local Target. Come to think of it, I have seen a lot of people at Target. That is because Target is HEAVEN ON EARTH. I am pretty sure that I could die in a Target and be happy. Wait, heaven is when Target is empty (which never happens in WeHo) I would be in heaven. Can you even imagine walking down the aisles of a fully stocked Target with no bastard little kids screaming and no retarded people pushing their carts into your heels???? OMG, my pulse is speeding just thinking about it!
Okay, I am calming down now!!! Anyhow, I have seen a couple of stars....you know, Marcia Cross, Billy Dee Williams, Reese Witherspoon. These are all not as exciting as the two I am about to tell you about. The first of the exciting stars comes to us from The Goonies. Remember that movie? That was a great movie (including one of the Two Corey's-- see previous blog). Remember the hispanic maid that the mom hires in the beginning? At the end she is the one who finds the jewels in Mikey's marble bag and screams "no pen-e-men" (my hooked on phonics version of what she shouts out!).....you all know who I am talking about, right? Well, I saw her having a cocktail at the Pig in the Whistle...... that was cool.
The next one....WOW. I saw LONG DUCK DONG! Can you even believe that he was waking around on the Santa Monica Pier completely unmolested? I figured that he would be hounded by paparazzi and people banging gongs!!! It was all I could do to not scream out "Oh Sexy Girl-Friend....." I was so excited I had to immediately call my best friend. It was the greatest moment of my entire life. And people who agree with me....ARE COOL!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Reasons that I am retarded.....
I am retarded, as evidenced in the title. I have found out a few things while on this trip to Denver that I would like to share with you. This is why I am retarded (or cool, depending on how you look at this).
1. After I turned 30, I have noticed more and more whiskers on my face. Now, these are not the little invisible blonde hairs, but these are the thick, black wiry whiskers that pop up on my neck, cheeks, and chins. Anyone else have this issue? I have been spending more and more time with my tweezers than I ever thought I would.
2. I miss my cat as if she were a child. I have my ex boyfriend watching her while I am out here visiting her and I have called almost each day to see if she is eating and see if she misses me and to make sure that the is being taken care of.
3. This one should be obvious by #2. I am retarded because I had my EX watch my cat. Now he thinks this is another way back in.....backfire! Abort Abort! I hoped that we could be friends, but as I am finding out I have a very special talent of being able to attract only men who cannot let go when the relationship is over.
4. I spent 4 hours tonight at my BFF's house going through notes that she saved since the beginning of time. WOW. So much fun to read all of those notes, but they really all consisted of someone wondering why Christine (me) is mad, or if someone is mad at Christine, or why Christine only has bad things to say. And here, for all these years, I thought I wasn't popular with my friends.....who knew that they obsesses over whether or not I was mad at them all of the time!
5. I am retarded because I came out to Colorado during the worst heat wave in at least a decade, and I didn't bring a single pair of shorts!
6. Retardation has caused me not to utilize the time off of work by exercising and trying to fit into any of my shorts!!!
I am sure that there are many other reasons that I am retarded---but these hit the major points as I have come to understand on this trip to denver.
Right now I am watching the Two Corey's on A&E.......it's like a train wreck of an addiction. This is brilliant programming and perhaps, #7 on my reasons that I am retarded- that I can not stop watching the Two Coreys. I need to know what happens!
I'm cool.
1. After I turned 30, I have noticed more and more whiskers on my face. Now, these are not the little invisible blonde hairs, but these are the thick, black wiry whiskers that pop up on my neck, cheeks, and chins. Anyone else have this issue? I have been spending more and more time with my tweezers than I ever thought I would.
2. I miss my cat as if she were a child. I have my ex boyfriend watching her while I am out here visiting her and I have called almost each day to see if she is eating and see if she misses me and to make sure that the is being taken care of.
3. This one should be obvious by #2. I am retarded because I had my EX watch my cat. Now he thinks this is another way back in.....backfire! Abort Abort! I hoped that we could be friends, but as I am finding out I have a very special talent of being able to attract only men who cannot let go when the relationship is over.
4. I spent 4 hours tonight at my BFF's house going through notes that she saved since the beginning of time. WOW. So much fun to read all of those notes, but they really all consisted of someone wondering why Christine (me) is mad, or if someone is mad at Christine, or why Christine only has bad things to say. And here, for all these years, I thought I wasn't popular with my friends.....who knew that they obsesses over whether or not I was mad at them all of the time!
5. I am retarded because I came out to Colorado during the worst heat wave in at least a decade, and I didn't bring a single pair of shorts!
6. Retardation has caused me not to utilize the time off of work by exercising and trying to fit into any of my shorts!!!
I am sure that there are many other reasons that I am retarded---but these hit the major points as I have come to understand on this trip to denver.
Right now I am watching the Two Corey's on A&E.......it's like a train wreck of an addiction. This is brilliant programming and perhaps, #7 on my reasons that I am retarded- that I can not stop watching the Two Coreys. I need to know what happens!
I'm cool.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
My apologies.....
Wow, last night I was a little drunk....and blogging. A new high for me. While the things I wrote last night may be true, there is no excuse for exposing the public to my drunken rages! And by public, I mean my three loyal followers!
So, moving right along. I have decided that in my unemployment I can do something with my life. I am going to make some records here. Not the vinyl type (for the smart asses out there); the kind where you do cool stuff longer and better than anyone else. I think that I will start with how many days can I go without wearing pants with zippers. I am a big fan of the sweat pants. I think this is a good place for me to start. I will keep you posted on how I am doing with this record. The only bummer is that I probably should really start looking for a job, so I may have to put real pants on for interviews, but other than that......this is gonna be great. I'm going to do great things with my life. It's amazing that I am still single.
So, moving right along. I have decided that in my unemployment I can do something with my life. I am going to make some records here. Not the vinyl type (for the smart asses out there); the kind where you do cool stuff longer and better than anyone else. I think that I will start with how many days can I go without wearing pants with zippers. I am a big fan of the sweat pants. I think this is a good place for me to start. I will keep you posted on how I am doing with this record. The only bummer is that I probably should really start looking for a job, so I may have to put real pants on for interviews, but other than that......this is gonna be great. I'm going to do great things with my life. It's amazing that I am still single.
Friday, August 1, 2008
So, it's not just me....
I am in Denver for the week, visiting my parents and brother, and escaping the inescapable horrors of unemployment in LA. Coming back to visit your parents when you have left their realm is very....surreal. I have come to the conclusion that all my family is crazy. And I am not talking about a little nutty in an endearing way. No sir, I am talking about padded room time with potential shock therapy to follow.
Let me be very clear. I LOVE my family. They are wonderful, generous, supportive and funny. But, they are nutz! My likes to find dead animals and freeze them for future use? She has done this since I was a kid. I remember we were driving to school or something and my mom stopped at the side of the road to retrieve a dead snake. She proceeded to skin it, in our garage, and tan the skin so that we kids could take the skin to school for show and tell. You would think we lived in Alabama or something with these little animal adventures.....but no, alas, not the deep south. Just the deep trenches of my mom's insanity! She is one of the sweetest people that you could know, she is friendly and will go out of her way to make you feel right at home; but she is a little zaney!!! She and my dad are convinced that they will never have grandkids (and with my dating record, they may very well be correct) so they have grand-dogs! They take them to the ice cream store, give them cooked dinners, and the dogs sleep in the bed with my parents! God bless 'em!!!
So here I am back here in Colorado, in the BLAZING heat, visiting with my mom's cousins from across the pond. They are a very nice family and we get along well, but I feel bad for their daughter. She is 17 or so and she may actually DIE of boredom. I can't even imagine how boring she thinks this is. When I was 17, I SO wouldn't have wanted to take a 4 week holiday with my parents to a foreign country. But, she is also painfully quiet and never talks. When she does say a word, I can't even hear it. Poor kid- in her quaintness and quiet reserve came to my house of all places--where between my loudness and the dogs, the ringing phone and the TV my dad listens to really loud (but he's not deaf....); you can hardly get a word in edgewise!!
Let me be very clear. I LOVE my family. They are wonderful, generous, supportive and funny. But, they are nutz! My likes to find dead animals and freeze them for future use? She has done this since I was a kid. I remember we were driving to school or something and my mom stopped at the side of the road to retrieve a dead snake. She proceeded to skin it, in our garage, and tan the skin so that we kids could take the skin to school for show and tell. You would think we lived in Alabama or something with these little animal adventures.....but no, alas, not the deep south. Just the deep trenches of my mom's insanity! She is one of the sweetest people that you could know, she is friendly and will go out of her way to make you feel right at home; but she is a little zaney!!! She and my dad are convinced that they will never have grandkids (and with my dating record, they may very well be correct) so they have grand-dogs! They take them to the ice cream store, give them cooked dinners, and the dogs sleep in the bed with my parents! God bless 'em!!!
So here I am back here in Colorado, in the BLAZING heat, visiting with my mom's cousins from across the pond. They are a very nice family and we get along well, but I feel bad for their daughter. She is 17 or so and she may actually DIE of boredom. I can't even imagine how boring she thinks this is. When I was 17, I SO wouldn't have wanted to take a 4 week holiday with my parents to a foreign country. But, she is also painfully quiet and never talks. When she does say a word, I can't even hear it. Poor kid- in her quaintness and quiet reserve came to my house of all places--where between my loudness and the dogs, the ringing phone and the TV my dad listens to really loud (but he's not deaf....); you can hardly get a word in edgewise!!
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