1. You are asked to be on "Dancing with the Stars"-- if you could see me now you would see me using air quotes around Stars. I am completely flabbergasted that a hilarious person such as myself still has not made it, yet The Situation (really?) is on the stupidest tv show ever created. And people love this shit! There are billboards and t-shirts and thousands of water cooler conversations. It makes me sad to know that there is a whole culture of Americans who live and die by whether or not a has been can dance the meringue. And by the way, since when are horrible reality TV personnel and underqualified TV anchorpeople considered to be stars? I don't really care if Kate can dance- why isn't she taking care of her gaggle of kids (because we know her douche bag ex isn't doing it).
2. You start to research ridiculous plastic surgeries to make you fit in better. For instance, I am curious about second toe shortening. My second toe is about half an inch longer than all of my other toes (this means that I have to wear a size 8 1/2 because the extra length on my toe can't be jammed into an 8). People stare, and sometimes laugh. I always thought it was endearing, but then someone pointed out to me that my toe is as long as my pinkie (which is true)- so
I wondered if there is a surgery to reduce the size of the toe? I also wonder if there is a procedure that will reduce nipple size? Hollywood really isn't the place for nipples the size of small plates.
3. You wake up 30 minutes early every day to watch the traffic reports. When I was in Colorado we had to contend with snow, out here it is sheer volume. The fact that about every 3rd car on the freeway has NO RIGHT to be on the road, much less a freeway, breakdowns are common and can catastrophically damage your morning commute. They have even hired someone specifically to do the traffic reports-- that's her entire job. I used to think that being a weather person in LA would be a pretty easy job (the temperature varies about 10 degrees through the year- rarely rains-- really there is no weather); but then I watched the traffic reports. That is the job for me!!
4. You are irritated because the mall in the valley does NOT have valet parking. How dare they?
5. You actually set out to find flip flops that would be acceptable with a dress. Trust me, the search is on!!!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
If I were a rich girl......
Everyone fantasizes about being rich. We all sit in our cubicles and dream about calling in rich after we win the lottery. Men typically dream about the women they could land- what cars or remote controlled helicopters they could buy (think Bruce Jenner).
I think about what plastic surgeries I would have. First, anyone that knows me understands that I would have to be SO rich that I would sleep under a blanket of 50 dollar bills. So for me to think about surgeries- it's a little out of the norm. But at any rate- these are the things I would do if I were a rich girl. I would have full body laser hair removal. This would be the most awesome thing in the world. Think about it- if I could take my hair off every night before I go to bed- OMG-I would never have to pay $250 for a cut and color again! I would never be the victim of a bad hair day! I wouldn't have grey hair (I had my first at 14....THANK YOU VERY MUCH!) Can you imagine never having to shave your legs, or your pits-- or your face again? That would be awesome. I am so over trying to shave my shins or around the back of my ankle with a new razor only to slice a 3" long piece of skin off which id left curled in the end of the pink razor forcing me to pick it out to continue my shaving while I am bleeding to death. Fuck that! And for those little whiskers that pop up overnight and overtake my chin....NO MORE.
Imagine never having to pluck eyebrows again. I figure my face would be like a dry erase board. I could walk around and draw on the eyebrows to match the expression that I am trying to convey. This way I can get uber botox (thus paralyzing my face) and not have to worry about the side effects. I can just wipe off my eyebrows and draw on new ones to match the emotion I wish to conevy! BRILLIANT!!
I would also have my turkey gaggle removed. And my fat arms.....I think that instead of actually working for thin arms, I would just pay for arm transplants. I want arms like Angela Basset- only arms that would match me.....and I would get a tummy implant-- I figure if I have all my internal organs removed, I, too, can have a flat tummy! Who needs a stomache anyway? No one that lives in my neighborhood!!!!
Finally- I would get dentures. I would never have to floss again, never hear a dentist drill again, and I could have chicklet like teeth that would light a dark room. God- I would be hot--- but then again- I wouln\n't be me....I would be Lindsay Lohan (no good waste of space)......
I think about what plastic surgeries I would have. First, anyone that knows me understands that I would have to be SO rich that I would sleep under a blanket of 50 dollar bills. So for me to think about surgeries- it's a little out of the norm. But at any rate- these are the things I would do if I were a rich girl. I would have full body laser hair removal. This would be the most awesome thing in the world. Think about it- if I could take my hair off every night before I go to bed- OMG-I would never have to pay $250 for a cut and color again! I would never be the victim of a bad hair day! I wouldn't have grey hair (I had my first at 14....THANK YOU VERY MUCH!) Can you imagine never having to shave your legs, or your pits-- or your face again? That would be awesome. I am so over trying to shave my shins or around the back of my ankle with a new razor only to slice a 3" long piece of skin off which id left curled in the end of the pink razor forcing me to pick it out to continue my shaving while I am bleeding to death. Fuck that! And for those little whiskers that pop up overnight and overtake my chin....NO MORE.
Imagine never having to pluck eyebrows again. I figure my face would be like a dry erase board. I could walk around and draw on the eyebrows to match the expression that I am trying to convey. This way I can get uber botox (thus paralyzing my face) and not have to worry about the side effects. I can just wipe off my eyebrows and draw on new ones to match the emotion I wish to conevy! BRILLIANT!!
I would also have my turkey gaggle removed. And my fat arms.....I think that instead of actually working for thin arms, I would just pay for arm transplants. I want arms like Angela Basset- only arms that would match me.....and I would get a tummy implant-- I figure if I have all my internal organs removed, I, too, can have a flat tummy! Who needs a stomache anyway? No one that lives in my neighborhood!!!!
Finally- I would get dentures. I would never have to floss again, never hear a dentist drill again, and I could have chicklet like teeth that would light a dark room. God- I would be hot--- but then again- I wouln\n't be me....I would be Lindsay Lohan (no good waste of space)......
Sunday, September 12, 2010
More wedding shenanigans.....
I warn anyone and everyone who is reading this blog and may be related to me (including my new sister)-- DON'T get mad....i am funny! I only poke fun at those I love!
With that disclaimer out of the way, I take this chance to let you all in on a few family secrets- as I would have loved to include in my speech. It was more of a roast rather than a toast, at least in it's original form.
I wanted to warn Laura of what she was walking into...and now that she is contractually bound to be a member of the Andrews family...here goes!
1. My mom-- very sweet- but the saying that people become eccentric as they get older could never ring so true but with my mom. A couple of years ago, my parents went to Hawaii with some friends and asked me to come back to Colorado and watch the horses and all of the animals while they were gone. Sure, not a problem. However, this was probably the snowiest January I had ever seen in Colorado so I spent a good time marooned at their house...with not a lot to do and even less to eat. One fine day, I decided to raid the freezer in the garage hoping to find some delicious, frosty treat. My mom has a habit of buying candy and other bad foods and hiding them around the house so no one else can find them (even though it's only my mom and dad in that house, she still does it). I was rummaging through the freezer and what should I find, but a Target bag, wrapped around something. I am thinking this could be ice-cream...or something....but no...it was an OWL! Holy shit- my mom had an owl in her freezer, where there was people food, wrapped in a Target bag. When they called to check in on me, I asked what this was all about. Apparently this OWL flew into a window on the porch and broke it's neck and my mom thought it was so beautiful that she wanted to find someone to stuff it for her. Low and behold, it was a protected bird and she didn't want to hand it over to the state, so she was stashing it away in her freezer until she found a taxidermist prepared to commit a felony in order to stuff her bird. She explained this to me as if I should have known.....and let me tell you- about a month later she made a very uncharacteristic phone call to me to tell me (in a VERY animated voice) that she found almost a whole dead baby fox....and it was now in the freezer. Thank God she came to her senses and finally got rid of her small but growing collection of dead animals in the freezer, next to people food.
So, without a doubt, my mom is eccentric- of not crazy. But we all love her- I just needed to warn Laura-- DON'T EVER open a container or bag without asking first, because I can't promise you what will be in there. I wouldn't be surprised to find a shrunken head in there one day!
2. And then we move onto my dad. He loves Bailey more than he loves life itself. Now keep in mind that this is the same man who threatened divorce when my mom let my brother and I get pets. He never liked the pets we grew up with. The only time he was interested in horses was when he used to go hunting and had to pack horse all the way to the camp site. So when I realized that my dad loves his dog, Bailey, more than anything else in life- I was a little shocked. I had to learn that dad will kick me off of the couch if Bailey wants to be up there. When mom is gone, Bailey sleeps in the bed with him. He would bring the dog to work with him, if he could. I find myself jealous....in a strange way. I wonder if Bailey is ever jealous of me?
Also, my dad tends to sleep in front of the TV. AND he snores....but he will deny it until the day he dies. He also denies that he is sleeping. But he will tilt the chair back, turn on golf, and within a few minutes he is snoring away. Normally this would be expected- I mean, I can't think of a better thing to use to help one fall asleep than watching golf on TV, but if you try to change the channel, he will awake at the exact moment that the channel changes as if electrocuted. It's hysterical, but then he gets a little mad. So don't try to change the channel when he is sleeping in front of the TV. Just not a good plan!
Before the wedding, I interviewed for a job (that I got!) and they wanted me to start the same week as the wedding. I told them I could not start that week because I was going to a giant wedding. They all smiled and gave me that knowing look- asking how big the wedding was going to be. I told them it was a fairly small wedding, but that actual GIANTS were getting married. I have the pictures to prove it!!! I wonder how tall their kids will be?
Finally- as we have all realized- I will never be married and will never have kids (likely will never be in another relationship!!)- so having grandkids is up to Steve and Laura. My dad wants them yesterday--- so get to working, kids! If it's a girl, Christine is a really nice name!! Tee hee hee!
With that disclaimer out of the way, I take this chance to let you all in on a few family secrets- as I would have loved to include in my speech. It was more of a roast rather than a toast, at least in it's original form.
I wanted to warn Laura of what she was walking into...and now that she is contractually bound to be a member of the Andrews family...here goes!
1. My mom-- very sweet- but the saying that people become eccentric as they get older could never ring so true but with my mom. A couple of years ago, my parents went to Hawaii with some friends and asked me to come back to Colorado and watch the horses and all of the animals while they were gone. Sure, not a problem. However, this was probably the snowiest January I had ever seen in Colorado so I spent a good time marooned at their house...with not a lot to do and even less to eat. One fine day, I decided to raid the freezer in the garage hoping to find some delicious, frosty treat. My mom has a habit of buying candy and other bad foods and hiding them around the house so no one else can find them (even though it's only my mom and dad in that house, she still does it). I was rummaging through the freezer and what should I find, but a Target bag, wrapped around something. I am thinking this could be ice-cream...or something....but no...it was an OWL! Holy shit- my mom had an owl in her freezer, where there was people food, wrapped in a Target bag. When they called to check in on me, I asked what this was all about. Apparently this OWL flew into a window on the porch and broke it's neck and my mom thought it was so beautiful that she wanted to find someone to stuff it for her. Low and behold, it was a protected bird and she didn't want to hand it over to the state, so she was stashing it away in her freezer until she found a taxidermist prepared to commit a felony in order to stuff her bird. She explained this to me as if I should have known.....and let me tell you- about a month later she made a very uncharacteristic phone call to me to tell me (in a VERY animated voice) that she found almost a whole dead baby fox....and it was now in the freezer. Thank God she came to her senses and finally got rid of her small but growing collection of dead animals in the freezer, next to people food.
So, without a doubt, my mom is eccentric- of not crazy. But we all love her- I just needed to warn Laura-- DON'T EVER open a container or bag without asking first, because I can't promise you what will be in there. I wouldn't be surprised to find a shrunken head in there one day!
2. And then we move onto my dad. He loves Bailey more than he loves life itself. Now keep in mind that this is the same man who threatened divorce when my mom let my brother and I get pets. He never liked the pets we grew up with. The only time he was interested in horses was when he used to go hunting and had to pack horse all the way to the camp site. So when I realized that my dad loves his dog, Bailey, more than anything else in life- I was a little shocked. I had to learn that dad will kick me off of the couch if Bailey wants to be up there. When mom is gone, Bailey sleeps in the bed with him. He would bring the dog to work with him, if he could. I find myself jealous....in a strange way. I wonder if Bailey is ever jealous of me?
Also, my dad tends to sleep in front of the TV. AND he snores....but he will deny it until the day he dies. He also denies that he is sleeping. But he will tilt the chair back, turn on golf, and within a few minutes he is snoring away. Normally this would be expected- I mean, I can't think of a better thing to use to help one fall asleep than watching golf on TV, but if you try to change the channel, he will awake at the exact moment that the channel changes as if electrocuted. It's hysterical, but then he gets a little mad. So don't try to change the channel when he is sleeping in front of the TV. Just not a good plan!
Before the wedding, I interviewed for a job (that I got!) and they wanted me to start the same week as the wedding. I told them I could not start that week because I was going to a giant wedding. They all smiled and gave me that knowing look- asking how big the wedding was going to be. I told them it was a fairly small wedding, but that actual GIANTS were getting married. I have the pictures to prove it!!! I wonder how tall their kids will be?
Finally- as we have all realized- I will never be married and will never have kids (likely will never be in another relationship!!)- so having grandkids is up to Steve and Laura. My dad wants them yesterday--- so get to working, kids! If it's a girl, Christine is a really nice name!! Tee hee hee!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Ode to a motorcycle
I love to ride on motorcycles. There is nothing that can make a girl feel sexier than hoping on the back of a bike with a hot guy at the wheel. There is something very feminine, while still being a little dangerous. I have no desire to learn to drive one, but I will take every chance I get to take a ride on one.
And one so opportunity came upon me at my brother's wedding. Let me set the scene so everyone can appreciate the event. Most of you know that I have been unemployed for the past 2 months (though I now have a job, a horrendous commute and a start date of Tuesday, Sept. 7). Unemployment doesn't agree with me, as I didn't take the time off to do all of the things I can't do while working such as writing my novel, running a marathon...that type of thing. The only marathons I was involved in were Real Housewives of New Jersey and reruns of Golden Girls and Roseanne. While participating in those marathons I can't be held responsible for the thousands and thousands of calories I consumed. So I put on a little weight. Okay, I put on a lot of weight. So going stag to my brother's wedding in a dress that fit me great about 15 pounds ago and with enough spandex holding my tummy and ass in place to choke Godzilla I was feeling a little down; and uncomfortable--when your underwear cuts off the circulation in your legs, something has to change. I did what every red blooded American girl would do when feeling overly single, fat and unattractive..I decided to boost my self esteem with liquid courage.
My sister in law had been telling me about this friend of hers. He's an old family friend who she has known forever, he's in school to be an engineer and he's good looking, nice, charming, smart. Against my better judgement, I let Laura and her mother, Geri, introduce me to Nathan. Wow- they were right! He was very sweet, if not a little shy. He was a great dancer, seemed to be having a lot of fun. Drink after drink I found myself gravitating to him, mostly because he seemed to be the only other single person there. As the night wore on, we danced, and I drank. We really didn't get to talk all that much, because the music was loud and everyone was enjoying the party. Apparently I enjoyed the party quite a bit- there's a photo of me with my best friend's husband and I am smoking a cigar! Don't worry- I have known John for about a zillion years- we go way back...and since I introduced John to Allison, I figured he and I could dance, laugh, fall down (thanks for pulling my dress back down!)
At this point in the evening, the elders began to leave. The party was just beginning. Most of the girls, including myself, had taken shoes off and were having a more comfortable time. I put my purse....somewhere, and my shoes were somewhere....but after several cocktails, I really didn't care about the necessities of cell phones and shoes.
And then it happened. Nathan told me he has a motorcycle. OMG...this was the best thing that I could have heard. So he offers to take me on a ride, which I gladly accepted. If you are looking at Steve and Laura's wedding photos, the last one is of me, on the back of the bike, about to go for a ride. I wasn't sure what time it was, but when Nathan said he wanted to take me for a ride who was I to refuse? So I hop on the bike with Nathan, and all of my insecurities seemed to fade away, if only for a few hours. Me, Christine Andrews, was leaving a wedding to go for a ride with a smart and gorgeous ex navy sailor to go on a motorcycle ride. Off we went. The air blew through my hair and I shivered against the cold of the night, but I just pressed myself closer to Nathan and he revved the bike and faster we went.
I didn't think that we were gone that long- but soon enough we decided to return back to the wedding. We pulled up to the club where the wedding was held only to find it completely closed up. No lights, no cars in the parking lots, nothing. It was almost like the twilight zone. And here I was, no shoes, no cell phone, no ID, no money, no nothing (pardon the double negative) save for the thrill of a motorcycle ride and the incredible feeling that I might not be as fat and unattractive as I first thought. What craziness......suffice it to say, we took another ride and found a hotel to crash at. I didn't want to make him take me all the way back to my parents house....because it was my PARENT'S house....and it was late and we were exhausted. He wasn't from the area either, so he didn't have a place to bring me, so the hotel was a logical choice.
In the morning, when I finally woke up from my liquor induced sleep, I had to figure out what the hell to do next. I didn't want him to take me home, to my PARENT'S house because it was a long way, I didn't have any shoes, and I was still trying to shake off about 11 scotch and waters from the night before so my stomache was less than settled. So I jammed myself back into all the spandex filled underwear and made the call of shame. I called my dad. I was 33 and was calling my daddy to come pick me up. Even with that humiliation, the evening was a total success. Thanks to a very sweet guy with a motorcycle, I spent a few hours feeling wanted, sexy, free spirited. For even a short while I wasn't panicked about my job, why I lost the last one or how the next one will treat me; I wasn't feeling sorry for myself because I have had a bit of a rough year; I wasn't feeling unworthy of a motorcycle ride. When he drove faster, I clung tighter to him and let him be the man while I was the sexy bitch on the back of his hog. And so I close Ode to a motorcycle with a thanks to Nathan for a fun night and for making me feel beautiful, if only for a couple of moments......
And one so opportunity came upon me at my brother's wedding. Let me set the scene so everyone can appreciate the event. Most of you know that I have been unemployed for the past 2 months (though I now have a job, a horrendous commute and a start date of Tuesday, Sept. 7). Unemployment doesn't agree with me, as I didn't take the time off to do all of the things I can't do while working such as writing my novel, running a marathon...that type of thing. The only marathons I was involved in were Real Housewives of New Jersey and reruns of Golden Girls and Roseanne. While participating in those marathons I can't be held responsible for the thousands and thousands of calories I consumed. So I put on a little weight. Okay, I put on a lot of weight. So going stag to my brother's wedding in a dress that fit me great about 15 pounds ago and with enough spandex holding my tummy and ass in place to choke Godzilla I was feeling a little down; and uncomfortable--when your underwear cuts off the circulation in your legs, something has to change. I did what every red blooded American girl would do when feeling overly single, fat and unattractive..I decided to boost my self esteem with liquid courage.
My sister in law had been telling me about this friend of hers. He's an old family friend who she has known forever, he's in school to be an engineer and he's good looking, nice, charming, smart. Against my better judgement, I let Laura and her mother, Geri, introduce me to Nathan. Wow- they were right! He was very sweet, if not a little shy. He was a great dancer, seemed to be having a lot of fun. Drink after drink I found myself gravitating to him, mostly because he seemed to be the only other single person there. As the night wore on, we danced, and I drank. We really didn't get to talk all that much, because the music was loud and everyone was enjoying the party. Apparently I enjoyed the party quite a bit- there's a photo of me with my best friend's husband and I am smoking a cigar! Don't worry- I have known John for about a zillion years- we go way back...and since I introduced John to Allison, I figured he and I could dance, laugh, fall down (thanks for pulling my dress back down!)
At this point in the evening, the elders began to leave. The party was just beginning. Most of the girls, including myself, had taken shoes off and were having a more comfortable time. I put my purse....somewhere, and my shoes were somewhere....but after several cocktails, I really didn't care about the necessities of cell phones and shoes.
And then it happened. Nathan told me he has a motorcycle. OMG...this was the best thing that I could have heard. So he offers to take me on a ride, which I gladly accepted. If you are looking at Steve and Laura's wedding photos, the last one is of me, on the back of the bike, about to go for a ride. I wasn't sure what time it was, but when Nathan said he wanted to take me for a ride who was I to refuse? So I hop on the bike with Nathan, and all of my insecurities seemed to fade away, if only for a few hours. Me, Christine Andrews, was leaving a wedding to go for a ride with a smart and gorgeous ex navy sailor to go on a motorcycle ride. Off we went. The air blew through my hair and I shivered against the cold of the night, but I just pressed myself closer to Nathan and he revved the bike and faster we went.
I didn't think that we were gone that long- but soon enough we decided to return back to the wedding. We pulled up to the club where the wedding was held only to find it completely closed up. No lights, no cars in the parking lots, nothing. It was almost like the twilight zone. And here I was, no shoes, no cell phone, no ID, no money, no nothing (pardon the double negative) save for the thrill of a motorcycle ride and the incredible feeling that I might not be as fat and unattractive as I first thought. What craziness......suffice it to say, we took another ride and found a hotel to crash at. I didn't want to make him take me all the way back to my parents house....because it was my PARENT'S house....and it was late and we were exhausted. He wasn't from the area either, so he didn't have a place to bring me, so the hotel was a logical choice.
In the morning, when I finally woke up from my liquor induced sleep, I had to figure out what the hell to do next. I didn't want him to take me home, to my PARENT'S house because it was a long way, I didn't have any shoes, and I was still trying to shake off about 11 scotch and waters from the night before so my stomache was less than settled. So I jammed myself back into all the spandex filled underwear and made the call of shame. I called my dad. I was 33 and was calling my daddy to come pick me up. Even with that humiliation, the evening was a total success. Thanks to a very sweet guy with a motorcycle, I spent a few hours feeling wanted, sexy, free spirited. For even a short while I wasn't panicked about my job, why I lost the last one or how the next one will treat me; I wasn't feeling sorry for myself because I have had a bit of a rough year; I wasn't feeling unworthy of a motorcycle ride. When he drove faster, I clung tighter to him and let him be the man while I was the sexy bitch on the back of his hog. And so I close Ode to a motorcycle with a thanks to Nathan for a fun night and for making me feel beautiful, if only for a couple of moments......
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Speech......
I went to my big brother's wedding....and gave a toast. I didn't have the presence of mind to have it recorded, so I want to share it all with you here.
"My big brother just got married! Wow--- Steve, I wanted to thank you for bringing Laura into our family. I couldn't ask for a better sister...I love you. Laura, thank you for choosing and loving my brother- it's a tough job but someone's gotta do it!
Steve has changed a lot over the past ten years. He finally graduated college....and in just a shade under a decade too.....alright! And no, he's not a doctor, he's an engineer. We always knew that he would be an engineer, but his fate was cemented when he fashioned a little hand held battery operated fan out of spare household parts and and old erector set for the express and sole purpose of blowing his farts into my face. It was a life changing experience to be seven and trapped in a small car during the ride to school in winter time and having to make a choice between freezing to death by opening a window or suffocating to death by holding my breath.
When Steve finished college, he lost a staggering amount of weight, which amazes and inspires me. Then he did what every red blooded American engineer would do, decided to find a wife. And then he met Laura. Since he has met Laura, he has surprised me with his kindness, generosity and friendship. I mean, where is the big brother I grew up with? This was a kid who would hoard all of his allowance and birthday money so he could buy things like remote control cars and every gaming system from Atari to the Playstation. I would save my money for as long as possible, but Steve always managed to guilt me into buying HIM Wolverine man because he comes with bendable elbows and a personal hovercraft and stupid barbie has none of that. Because I loved my brother, I did, time and time again, what any good sister would do after being promised play dates and love forever, I bought him Wolverine man, and many many others. The play dates...never happened.
Steve is the smartest person I have ever met in real like. His Rainman like instant recall of everything from Seinfeld Trivia to the principles of Quantum Physics never cease to amaze me. As a matter of fact, I am confident Steve is the only person who can make The Hot Tub Time Machine come to fruition. And I am going to use it to go back to 1984 and this time I am getting cowgirl barbie who winked at you when you pushed the button on her back and was well dressed with her amazing boots and fully bedazzled cowgirl outfit with the pleather fringe. Sorry Steve- no Wolverine for you!
In closing, I would like to impart some pearls of wisdom that I learned while I was married. Okay, so I probably didn't learn these during my five minutes of wedded bliss but instead from my parents....who have been married....to eachother...for 40 years.
Steve and Laura, as you begin your life together:
-Laugh together
-Cry togethert
-Dream together
-Inspire eachother
-Accept eachother
-Support eachother
-Forgive eachother
And finally, Love eachother...always....as you do today.
Steve and Laura, I am so very happy for you both and I love you. Salud"
"My big brother just got married! Wow--- Steve, I wanted to thank you for bringing Laura into our family. I couldn't ask for a better sister...I love you. Laura, thank you for choosing and loving my brother- it's a tough job but someone's gotta do it!
Steve has changed a lot over the past ten years. He finally graduated college....and in just a shade under a decade too.....alright! And no, he's not a doctor, he's an engineer. We always knew that he would be an engineer, but his fate was cemented when he fashioned a little hand held battery operated fan out of spare household parts and and old erector set for the express and sole purpose of blowing his farts into my face. It was a life changing experience to be seven and trapped in a small car during the ride to school in winter time and having to make a choice between freezing to death by opening a window or suffocating to death by holding my breath.
When Steve finished college, he lost a staggering amount of weight, which amazes and inspires me. Then he did what every red blooded American engineer would do, decided to find a wife. And then he met Laura. Since he has met Laura, he has surprised me with his kindness, generosity and friendship. I mean, where is the big brother I grew up with? This was a kid who would hoard all of his allowance and birthday money so he could buy things like remote control cars and every gaming system from Atari to the Playstation. I would save my money for as long as possible, but Steve always managed to guilt me into buying HIM Wolverine man because he comes with bendable elbows and a personal hovercraft and stupid barbie has none of that. Because I loved my brother, I did, time and time again, what any good sister would do after being promised play dates and love forever, I bought him Wolverine man, and many many others. The play dates...never happened.
Steve is the smartest person I have ever met in real like. His Rainman like instant recall of everything from Seinfeld Trivia to the principles of Quantum Physics never cease to amaze me. As a matter of fact, I am confident Steve is the only person who can make The Hot Tub Time Machine come to fruition. And I am going to use it to go back to 1984 and this time I am getting cowgirl barbie who winked at you when you pushed the button on her back and was well dressed with her amazing boots and fully bedazzled cowgirl outfit with the pleather fringe. Sorry Steve- no Wolverine for you!
In closing, I would like to impart some pearls of wisdom that I learned while I was married. Okay, so I probably didn't learn these during my five minutes of wedded bliss but instead from my parents....who have been married....to eachother...for 40 years.
Steve and Laura, as you begin your life together:
-Laugh together
-Cry togethert
-Dream together
-Inspire eachother
-Accept eachother
-Support eachother
-Forgive eachother
And finally, Love eachother...always....as you do today.
Steve and Laura, I am so very happy for you both and I love you. Salud"
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