My Brilliance

So with my looming unemployment, I have decided that I will invent a couple of things to make a girl's life easier in order to make a zillion dollars and be able to live in my eating pants with no financial worries.

First, I am going to invent some kind of aparatus which will dry the toilet seat in the public restrooms. Ladies, I know that a lot of you feel my pain. Girls are at a HUGE disadvantage when in a bathroom because whether we like it or not, likely that we will have to touch the toilet. Some people may go the extra mile and put that toilet seat guard on the seat. Really, who are we kidding? That is a simple THIN piece of tracing paper that never stays on the seat anyhow, and when the seat is wet (which it almost always is) the wetness comes through the thin paper and latches on to your ass anyhow. The other alternative is the hovercraft move but that can be awkward with high heels and tight pants on and you risk falling partially into the toilet OR falling completely down all while peeing on yourself because balancing above the toiler but not sitting is bard work. As I see it women end up having to sit on a toilet seat that is wet. Either it's wet from other pee (EWWWEEE) or the turbo flush 8000 sprayed excess water onto the seat when it flushed from the previous user. Either way- COOTIES. So I think that some kind of method to dry off the toilet seat would be a huge step forward in the progress of womankind.

Next, I would like to invent a book light that is actually good. I have a book light now that clips onto the book and shines the light on the top part of the left page-- but the rest of the pages are a little difficult to read. How hard can this be?

Third, I think that I will invent a hair band that DOESN'T lose shape and get all stretched out after I use it the first two times (and one that my cat isn't going to play with).

Fourth- and I this would go for guys too- I am in desperate need of socks which I can wear with my loafers (SHUT UP, loafers are COOL) without them falling down and turning around so that the heel of my sock is on the top part of my foot after four steps. That is the most annoying thing in the world. I mean, seriously, we put a man on the moon, can't we get socks that stay in place?

the next critical thing missing from my life is a black material that I can have a suit or dress made out of, Machine washable, that doesn't attract every single piece of cat hair from my whole block. I have a tape roller in my house, in my car and at my desk, yet I still have a ton of cat hair on my clothes at all times. I have just given up trying to get it off!

These are only a few of my ideas. I think that I may have a lot of free time on my hands in the coming month, so I will come up with more-- but I feel if I invent these things that I will never have to work again!

It's just rain, people!

Tuesday is biggest loser day, and I am forever a fan of the biggest loser. I can't believe Vicky is still on that show. What a waste...

Anyhow-- so it started to rain during the show. I am a midwestern gal, so rain is not a big deal. Granted it doesn't rain all that often here, but still, in the end, it's just rain. I am used to the snow, and the tornadoes and hail and all other kinds of nature's fury. I have come to discover that most Angelino's like the rain, as do I. I like the cooler weather and the nice sound of the rain, especially since I don't need to leave the house today. Then, during the critical moments of the show I hear a loud boom outside my window. I think it was a car backfire.

But then I hear some additional commotion. Some guys yelling and then another loud boom. It sounds like someone is dropping a piece of wood off of a balcony so it lands in the street with a loud smack. Now I am a little suspicious. Again, I can hear a guy yelling something but since the TV is on, I can't decipher what he is saying. For those of you not used to urban living, let me digress a minute to explain why I am not immediately concerned because often strange pieces of furniture end up in the street. There have been exploded pumpkins, mattresses, and a plethora of other treasures in the street and littering the sidewalk. I live close to the boulevard and at times there are drunk people walking back to their cars and involved in other shenanigans. Suffice it to say, it can get noisy. Since I am at the critical point of The Biggest Loser, I am just pissed off that this noise is interrupting my night (yes, I know that I am pathetic for getting this agitated over a little noise because the Biggest Loser is on). Then I hear more yelling and I mute the TV trying to figure out what the hell is going on. There is a lot of hollering and I think there must be people fighting.

As any good American would, I go to the window, and then another really loud bang, but since my window doesn't face the street I can't see anything. Then I hear "put the gun down" and "put your hands up" and "don't go in there" and "walk this way". Then another loud pop. Shit, this is not good. I am about to call 911 when I hear the helicopter and know that the police are on top of whatever is happening. But, I am understandably frightened as I begin to realize that there is seriously an "event" occurring about 50 feet from my front door. By this time I have CLEARLY missed the ending of The Biggest Loser and I am understandably shaken by the helicopter that is circling right above my apartment with a spotlight following someone or something.

Now, I am thinking that this is breaking news, right? I mean, there is something with shots being fired (and there were several) and police are everywhere and there is a police helicopter and further away there are several other helicopters in the air, presumably news choppers. So, right away I turn on the news figuring that this actively happening event will be on the news. I am worried that there is some criminal on the loose near my house and I live alone so I want to make sure that everything is safe. Whatever was going on was still happening because that damn helicopter was just circling what seemed like inches above the roof. You would think that this would at least be on the news.....

Uh....no. Apparently the rain is more important. I watched all 30 minutes of the local news, and 28 of them were from the weather girl reporting on RAIN. Not like it's particularly bad rain, or devastating. I get that there are potential mud slides in the burn areas, and granted the rarity of rain merits news coverage. But the entire news was all Super-Mega- spastic Doppler 17 gillion and watching this "serious storm cell as mother nature unleashes her fury across the southland".

IT'S JUST RAIN.

I later found out that there was a man running around my apartment building with a shotgun while police pursued him on foot and eventually arrested him 2 houses over.

But I hear nothing but about the RAIN.

The Pick Up Car

I know that being the hot sexy gal that I am that I will be hit on (YEAH RIGHT), but there is something strange in the air in Los Angeles. When I was back in the old country (back on planet earth, a little place called Denver) men did things right. They would approach only the attractive petite girls who wear TIGHT jeans which enable you to determine the color of her thong. The men get drunk, buy the girls fruity little drinks with umbrellas in them, and for the most part I am left alone. I have gotten used to this. I have never been picked up or even hit on in a bar, or restaurant, or anywhere....

Anyhow- I digress; the point is that there are times and places when you expect to be hit on, right? Yet out here, the car pick up seems to be gaining in momentum. I am in my little sanctuary, driving west on Pico this morning rockin' out to a little Journey and the 40-ish year old mexican guy with a little mustache that made him look kinda like a child molester pulls up next to me. I'm a little startled because he was staring right at me. And I'm thinking that it's just because I am rockin out to Journey-- you know I had the head bob going, the belting out of the most excellent 80's lyrics EVER (and believe me, this is all very cool in my Chevy Cavalier!). So when I got that strange feeling that someone was watching me--you know that feeling right? Sometimes you just feel like you are being watched? So I laughed because I knew that I was just geekin out and looked like a giant spaz. And then, the best thing ever happened. He smiles back at me. It was either the gold tooth OR the 20 oz Beer in the cup holder of his paint splattered 1988 Nissan Pick up truck with a bobble head Jesus on the dash that killed the moment. Oh yeah, and the Jerry Curl he must have dipped his head in....EWWWEE. Anyhow- so I wonder why can I get picked up by that douchebag but not by a nice respectable person with all his teeth matching eachother in one shade of off white or another.

Does this happen to anyone else??

3 in 12

About to be unemployed.....again....sort of.....maybe.....

What are the chances? Let's review, shall we? I started the year at Maguire Properties working for one of the worst bosses I have ever had, in one of the worst environments I have ever experienced. But, it paid the bills. Truth be told, when my boss stepped down and eliminated my position, I was happy. I was miserable at that job and acted in ways that I am not proud of things I did while there. So, I was relived when unemployment found me. I had done everything right- had money saved, and knew that I would land on my feet.

Two months later, I landed the best job ever. I have spent the past few months with this current company, and for the best boss I have ever had. I love the people who are there, I have a great boss who actually realizes that I have a brain in my head. I feel like I am important, like I matter, like I can do good things there. But, the company is unable to come to terms on some loan, so I am back to being unemployed (I think). The big boss people are coming out tomorrow to have a meeting with us...this will be very interesting. They will stand in front of us all and let us know that we are all about to be unemployed in the worst time of year in the worst economy that this country has seen since the 1930's. YAY!

Luckily, my boss has put me in touch with someone else who says he wants to hire me. This will be good- the 3rd job in 12 months. Wow. So, naturally I was a little bit of a mess last week. WTF- another job. I have done all the right things, gone to school, work hard (most of the time); am reasonably smart, loyal (I worked at Home Depot for almost 8 years for God's sake); and here I am about to find myself in the pink slip line again.

I took inventory- I am 30 pounds overweight, seemingly only able to attract men who are significantly older than me who have unnatural closeness with their sisters and who are unable to make more than $28k a year, have few friends even though I am really funny, lost several people very close to me in the last few years, parents on the verge of bankruptcy and divorce....so I got all that going for me. But alas, I have a brand new Truffle Shuffle shirt which gets me through all these cold, lonely nights. I am not being held captive on an oil tanker hijacked by Somali Pirates (this shit just happened) and to the best of my knowledge am healthy. I say that because I don't have health insurance (I am 9 days away from benefits at the job that I will be losing on Monday; can you believe that???). But I look for the positive in my life-- there is no tumor- that I am aware of and I truly believe that ignorance is bliss. I also think that there may be a man out there who can appreciate my ability to beltch the alphabet and who will enjoy that extra 30 pounds of Blubber- more to hold on to, right???

I am keeping my chin up, if only to avoid showing people my double chin. I am going into the office tomorrow to be laid off with pride. I wish I had a shirt with Dwight on it... that would be cool. I guess my Sloth shirt will have to do. I shouldn't' be required to dress up for a lay off, right?

Happy and Sad

I usually don't write about serious stuff. It just seems like there is too much stuff out there to bring you down, so I try to focus on the ridiculous so to brighten everyone's day. That being said, I typically stay away from the political side of things, but today I am deviating from my usual sunny disposition (shut up Allison...I can be sunny, DAMMIT).

Prop 8. Seriously, fellow Californian's, we passed prop 8? Holy schnikeys. For those of you not aware- in a nut shell Proposition 8 bans same sex marriage. And it passed.....seems a little strange that the most liberal state in the union, often referred to as The People's Republic of California, won't allow for same sex marriage. Seriously, who gives a hoot who marries who, right? The first problem is this whole religious right. I thought there would be more of them in Colorado-- I guess I was wrong. It turns out there are a lot of people against same sex marriage. I say if people want to get married we should let them- that simple. For me, it really is more than just the idea of marriage. I think of it in legal terms. For example, there could be some horrific circumstances where one person of a gay couple is injured or killed in an accident. As a legally recognized next of kin, like a husband, the next of kin would make the decisions. Yet, we, as Californians, have decided that we don't want that status to be granted to gay couples. What a bunch of horse shit! I am thoroughly disappointed in my fellow Angelinos for letting this thing pass. I mean, if two men or two women have dedicated themselves to their relationship and they want to reach that legal status, who the hell am I to tell them no. I mean, I have enough troubles in my own life that I can't possibly spend the energy worrying about what other people are doing. If people want to be married- GREAT! Higher tax brackets- so it actually would benefit because married couples usually will pay a little more in taxes. But seriously, who gives a flying.....spoon...who marries who. The fundamental religious....where do I begin? They are at the bottom of this prop. They feel that it is against God for a man to marry a man, or woman to marry a woman. Okay, so by their estimation polygamy is okay, so long as the man has several WIVES, not a husband? Oh, and according to some of the religious right little girls are to sign oaths that they will remain a virgin of ALL PHYSICAL CONTACT until they are married to a man. WHAT? So when these little girls finally meet a man, they aren't allowed ANY contact (no hand holding, no kissing, no hugging, no nothing) until they are on the alter. So, sex is bad and frowned upon....UNTIL you get married. Then it is okay. And so long as it is with a person of the opposite sex. Don't we as a culture have bigger fish to fry that who someone wants to marry? If both parties are consenting, law abiding adults, who cares....go for it! We should be focusing on the economic crisis, how kids are supposed to pay for college, the fact that we have been fighting a drug war for 30 years and HAVE MADE NO HEADWAY. Don't you think that things like quality of education and prison overcrowding is a bit more pertinent to the masses than gay marriage? If we could get as many people out in the streets about economic reform, education reform, or other pertinent issues then perhaps we could fix things that are REALLY wrong with our nation, not something that doesn't effect everyone, like gay marriage. And then...the whole school thing. What a crock. Does anyone EVER remember being taught about marriage in school? I sure don't. I am a product of public schools and I don't recall ever having a lesson that marriage is between a man and a woman. So, why would they teach marriage can now be between a man and a man? And if they did, who cares! Homosexuals are not created, they don't make a choice, they are born that way. People who say that one can choose not to be gay is stupid. That's like saying that people during the slave trade were choosing to be slaves. Why would anyone chose to be gay when there is so much ACCEPTED hatred of gays? Saying that being gay is a choice is one of the most stupid things I have ever heard. So, apparently people feel that gays chose to be that way, and they should work hard to not be that way. WHAT? People are who they are, and they should be accepted and allowed the same rights that everyone else has. I swear, the ban on gay marriage is so short sided. In 100 years people will look back to this time the same way that we look back to the times when the government counted black people as only 2/3 of a person. Our grandchildren will think us ignorant and mean, the same way we view the segregationists of the 40's and 50's as short sided and close minded. It's embarrassing.