What could have been.....

I am 32 years old. 10 years ago...a DECADE....I finally ended the relationship that has defined me. I wonder what life would have been had I not ended that relationship.

I would be a 32 year old grandmother. He had several kids, the first of which was born when he was 15. I am sure that patterns repeat, his mother had him at 17.

I think about what my life would be like. I am 32, living in Colorado. I live in a not so good part of town. I figure that we rent a house or townhouse. It's winter, I have kids (not sure how many) and his oldest son and his son (my step-grandchild) and the baby's mom all live with us. We scrape by each month barely able to pay for the rent on this 3 bedroom hovel. We have no money in the bank. We have terrible credit. I work at a local clothing store, terrible hours but it's consistent work. It pays the bills, barely, and the store is close to the house so I can walk when my husband is with the car. He doesn't work....often. He never graduated from high school, and the DUI's and the violent sexual felony on his record prevent him from landing a job which could support the family in a reasonable way.

We aren't happy. Our life is constant survival mode. We just have to get from one day to the next. I am late at work on a particular evening, and he is furious. I didn't hear the cell phone ringing when he called. I am walking home after the store closes. When I get to the front door of the house, I am relieved that I am home and that I can have a seat after spending the last 10 hours on my feet. He meets me at the door and is furious. I didn't answer my phone. Why not? Who was I with? Who am I fucking? No one thinks I am good looking. I am not better than anyone. No one would ever even talk to me if not for him. Do I think that I can do better? The smell of tequila and marajuana permeates the air between us.

We've had this conversation a million times if we have had it once. I know where this is going, and I know what buttons to push. I walk away, knowing that is a button. He follows me- pulling my arm behind me....how dare I walk away. Who is he? What is his name? There will be bruises in the morning. Thank god the kids are in bed. They have seen this too many times. The argument ensues. We both are engaged in it; both are hooked on it. We do this at least once a month. The frustration never ends.

I could go on and on. This would have been my life if not for a few simple choices. When I was 22 I went to Hawaii with my parents. I know, sounds like a hell of a trip, eh? but it was, because as I sat on the beach in Hawaii and realized that I wasn't being yelled at; I didn't feel bad about myself. I realized that I didn't have to spend my life being treated poorly, abused for lack of a better phrase. I could experience peace, and most importantly, I could PICK peace. I decide what my life is going to become, especially at 22 years old! I was lost within myself for the time I was involved in that relationship. I mistook attention, any attention, for love. I became addicted to the drama, to the highs and the lows. It defined my very being. I lost the strength that I had. I lost the gumption, the individuality, the self respect. I struggle with those losses now, wondering what I would have been if I never met him.

But, I did meet him, and I did allow myself to be in that situation. And, I wouldn't change it. I am a better person for having survived it. I won't allow someone to take the power away from me again and make me feel small, ugly, insignificant. By going through that situation, I learned a lot that one only learns with experience. I learned not to accept an open drink from a guy you don't know. I learned that when you wake up in the morning and don't remember, and then things come to you in a flash-- those things really happened. I learned how many stairs I could be pushed down (or dragged) before bruises would become too large to hide or lie away. I tested the boundaries of my parents and friends, I learned how to hide more than I told. This wasn't someone I wanted to be; I am glad that I am not that person. I may still be damaged, but I don't belong to anyone anymore, and never again. I will be me.