Too Serious???

Allison accused me of being too serious in my last few blogs. So, back to the regular irrational, hysterical, but hilarious me!

I haven't blogged lately about reality television. There was a dry spell for a bit. I think that the end of Bret Michael's Tour Bus of Love may have left a little void in my life. I tried to like Daisy of Love, but it just wasn't the same. But alas, REALITY TV is back! OMG- there are a couple of shows that I need to tell you about.

First of all- The Bachelorette. Okay, this is not a new concept, but seriously...I found it a little hard to empathize with all beautiful people who wanted to find love on TV. REALLY? Where was the fat chick? Where was the "holier than thou" dude? These people were all picked from magazines. I am pretty sure that none of these people really exist in real life. I mean, seriously, if these people, with their six pack abs and perfect teeth can't find love, how am I going to succeed? I mean, I am the average American woman-- I have a muffin top (though no camel toe....at least I hope not); every year I get older I notice more and more whiskers in various parts of my body, and I get stupider. That being said, I am quite a catch. Yet, the "beau-ti-ful peo-ple" (Revenge of the Nerds anyone) can't seem to find love unless they go on a TV show. Hmmm....do you think my muffin top, occasional acne and grey hair spells STAR?

Next, I find myself not understanding why I watch "Hooked" and "River Monsters". Seriously, who would have thought that I would ever watch the same show on two different channels. This is the best idea ever-- total rednecks who like to FISH try to capture the biggest fish ever. On the surface it sounds really boring, but seriously folks- it's like a train wreck. You don't want to admit that you will rubberneck to look!

The next reality show that I have found myself strangely attracted to is "I Didn't know I was Pregnant". I think that the attraction is that of disbelief. Now, most of you know that I have never been pregnant, don't want to be pregnant, nor plan on becoming pregnant (see "The Bachelorette"). I have watched videos of people giving birth, and I have heard the horror stories of pregnancy. Recently, I went to Urgent Care for an infected hang nail. I am supposed to believe that these women didn't know that ANOTHER HUMAN BEING was growing inside of them and they didn't feel anything. Seriously? I feel it when my neighbor farts. But apparently this is a phenomenon that has swept the nation, because there is a reality SERIES called "I didn't know I was pregnant".

Dating in the Dark comes next. Has anyone else seen this show? Apparently the goal is to see if people can find themselves truly attracted to someone without ever seeing that person. They go on dates, all in the dark. I would wear a horn on my head, or at the very least attach a vestigial tail. Okay okay, but I know how to win this game-- attach a third boob to my forehead. Most guys will fall for that one hook line and sinker.

Finally, I can't close this blog without mentioning the tie for first place. Dancing Tweens and Toddler's and Tiara's. Holy shit-- this is the pinnacle that is American reality television. I will begin with Dancing Tweens. These are little kids, like 8 or 9 years old, who COMPETE in ballroom dancing competitions. All I can say is that when I was forced to learn to square dance in 7th grade gym class (my partner was another girl- go figure) I hated every minute of it. I will skip over the obvious question of why they are teaching kids in the 21st century (okay, back then it was the 20th century) to square dance.....at school....in gym..... So I am watching this show and seeing all the little boys who will make wonderful decorators and hair dressers (probably named Preston Brady) when they are older. And these kids are BALLROOM dancing. I can remember when I was about 10- I wanted nothing to do with anything formal. Krista and I played Top Gun, built robots, and skated in our garages. Then, there is the seemingly natural progression to Toddlers and Tiara's. These little girls wear fake hair, fake eyelashes, spray tan, bikini's (these are TODDLERS); fake teeth, fake nails, high heels and makeup applied with a spatula. What the hell are we teaching these girls-- I don't recall there being any math contests, or reading spells--- no- we want to put our future in toddler beauty pageants. I just wonder- why not go all out and give them fake boobs?