Yesterday I went to a funeral. Another funeral. I have been to a lot of funerals.
It never is easy to attend the services. When you are a child I think that you expect to bury old people. That's not to say that when your grandmother dies it's not sad. Of course it is sad, and depending on your age and how close you were to your grandmother the weight of the event will make a lasting impression.
Of all of the funerals I have been to, only 4 of them were old people. My grandparents, my great aunt. These were funerals where people told stories of my grandparents, and we laughed and lamented that those who had passed on led a long life and were finally at peace. I wish these were the only funerals I have gone to. I wish that I had only lost old people, and could find comfort in that the older people weren't in pain anymore. But that's not what has happened. I have attended more funerals for young people than old.
The first funeral I attended that wasn't of an elderly family member was when my friend Lisa aimed a shotgot at her head when we were 13 and pulled the trigger. She even missed the first time sending the bullet into the ceiling of her bedroom. But she was determined, and she reloaded and the second time her big toe pulled the trigger, she succeeded. I had experience with people who were suicidal. My grandmother was suicidal her entire life, and when she finally succeded with her suicide there was nothing but a sense of relief for me. With Lisa it was different. We were 13. I wasn't supposed to bury my classmate. I wasn't supposed to bury my friend. But when you are 13 and you say goodbye to someone who was in your class, the finality of it strikes you, and you are never the same.
People in my family seem to die fairly young. Tom and Marianne died in a plan crash about 3 weeks after I moved in with them when I was in my 20's. They were in their 40's. I like to think that it was sudden, and I do find some comfort in knowing that they died together, doing what they loved the most. Being devout catholics, our families put on the typical Catholic funeral for them. It was long, and tedious, and a lot of it was in a language I didn't understand. There was pomp and circumstance and bells and whistles. The graveside ceremony was as lavish as the church ceremony. It was the second time I attended a graveside service. I never want to do that again.
Julie died in her living room 3 months after the plane crash, the day before Thanksgiving. When she died, a part of my soul died. She was in her 40's, and she died in her living room with her daughter next to her. It was so astonishing I couldn't breathe for a year. Her mother insisted that we have a viewing, and I made the mistake of viewing. I will never do that again.
Yesterday was the funeral of a 34 year old man. He died in his sleep. He was the son of some of family friends of ours. It was a very somber occassion, where all the appropriate words were said and tears were shed. I started thinking about all of the services I had been to and all of the people I have lost. And I came to a decision. I don't want that.
Of course I will die. Everyone will. Of a very few certainties of life IS death. I don't want people coming together in some church and singing songs and speaking of how they will see me again. That's not for me. I don't want to have a grave, or a tombstone. I don't want people to feel that they need to come to the cemetery to lay flowers on me each year they are alive and I am not. I don't know if anyone who would even have a role in planning my "funeral" is reading this, but I hope someone is. And I hope they heed this- I don't want a funeral. That's not to say that I don't want people to remember me, or to seek condolences from eachother in the wake of my death.
Instead of a funeral, this is what I want; I want people to have the best time of their lives because they are thinking of me. I want people to laugh, and eat, and drink. I want people to dance and sing, to play games and tell eachother how much love the world has to offer. I want people to think of the best times we had together, not the event which ended my life, or the day I stopped being. I don't want people to gather around a hole in the ground and weep while they lower me in. That's so gruesome. Donate all my organs, and then donate my body to science. Let people learn something from me. I want people to have their own individual memories of me, and know that they can visit me anytime they want. They don't have to go somewhere, they don't have to wait for a certain date; they can close their eyes and find the humor in everyday banality and I will be there mucking it up with the next guy.
So, please don't come to my grave. Please don't spend money on a funeral or a service, I would much rather you spend the money on a fabulous cocktail in Bora Bora; or the corner cbar at the very least!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
These are the things that have changed my life.....
I have been thinking about things that have changed my life. Keep reading...these are not those pivotal moments in my life where I made life changing decisions, or had some spiritual realizations. That's hogwash. This is a blog dedicated to things that have actually changed my life....seriously.
For the first time since I lived at home with my parents, I have a washer and dryer in my apartment. This is life changing. I did laundry tonight because the shirt I want to wear tomorrow was dirty, and I didn't have to go fishing around for quarters. I could wash it because I have a washer and a dryer, right in my apartment! This may not sound like a life changing experience, but let me tell you why this is such an awesome thing for me. About 2 years ago I was living in Los Angeles- West Hollywood to be exact. I LOVED that apartment, and the neighborhood and Los Angeles in general, but there were a few things that rubbed me the wrong way. One of these things was that most apartments in the city don't have a washer/dryer in the unit (lots don't even have them on site and people have to go to a laundromat). That being said, quarters were highly coveted by all. Laundry became a very strategic event that needed a lot of planning. I had to make sure that I was getting all the bang for my buck in a load of laundry ($2.25 in quarters for a wash and a dry to be exact). One night I needed to do a load of laundry and had just enough quarters. I started the wash, no big deal. When it was time to walk out back to put the laundry in the dryer. I had exactly 4 quarters....and this was not a good day. I just wanted to put my laundry in the dryer and wait for it to dry and call it a day. But no.....I put the first three quarters in the dryer with no problem. Then the fourth, and it came tumbling out of the coin return. Then I put it in again, then it came out again, then I put it in again, and it came out again (this sounds a little pornographic)....but anyhow- you get the picture. I immediately understood crimes of passion at that moment. I went outside and threw the phantom quarter across the yard and into the neighbors yard, while saying some choice words and jumping up and down. Awesome....not only were my clothes wet, but I didn't even have the phantom quarter to try to swap with my neighbors. So I had to go up to my cool neighbors, explain what happened and beg a quarter off of them. NOT a shining moment. Washer and dryer in my house is life changing because I won't have to throw anymore quarters into my neighbors yard risking great bodily damage to them if the quarter hits them in the face.
The second thing that has changed my life is actually a tie between having my Ipod hook up to my car and Sirius Radio. First, you have to understand that I was 32 years old before I had a car with automatic ANYTHING. The car I had before the car I have now (and will probably have for the rest of my life), was a stick, had a TAPE player, manual windows and locks.....and if you drove faster than about 60 MPH in it the car shook and I had many fears that the hood would fly up while driving on the 405 Tommy Boy style. I had my current car for a good 6 months before I found out you can hook your Ipod up to it. OMG....there is no better place to rock out to some Billie Jean or Debbie Gibson than in your car. I will belt that shit out, and I sound awesome. Something about the acoustics of my car make me sound like a superstar. BUT, there is also this thing called Sirius Radio.....and they have an 80's music channel. Are you kidding me? All 80's all the time....this is fantastic! AND...the radio display tells me what song is playing and who sings it. If only I could figure out a way to instantly buy songs from Sirius radio and have them downloaded into my Ipod. AND, apparently I can hook my Ipod into my receiver.....WHAT? When did all of these inventions happen? These have been miracles of my life. I drove home from work today singing Jesse's Girl.....maybe one of the best songs of all time.
And finally, the third thing that I must add to this list of things that have changed my life is...CENTRAL AIR CONDITIONING. During this, the hottest and most dry summer in 60 years (I think about the Grapes of Wrath and how different all their lives would have been with central air), I think that anyone with Central Air Conditioning can appreciate why this has changed my life. I am a well "rounded" gal...things gotta be cool!!!
For the first time since I lived at home with my parents, I have a washer and dryer in my apartment. This is life changing. I did laundry tonight because the shirt I want to wear tomorrow was dirty, and I didn't have to go fishing around for quarters. I could wash it because I have a washer and a dryer, right in my apartment! This may not sound like a life changing experience, but let me tell you why this is such an awesome thing for me. About 2 years ago I was living in Los Angeles- West Hollywood to be exact. I LOVED that apartment, and the neighborhood and Los Angeles in general, but there were a few things that rubbed me the wrong way. One of these things was that most apartments in the city don't have a washer/dryer in the unit (lots don't even have them on site and people have to go to a laundromat). That being said, quarters were highly coveted by all. Laundry became a very strategic event that needed a lot of planning. I had to make sure that I was getting all the bang for my buck in a load of laundry ($2.25 in quarters for a wash and a dry to be exact). One night I needed to do a load of laundry and had just enough quarters. I started the wash, no big deal. When it was time to walk out back to put the laundry in the dryer. I had exactly 4 quarters....and this was not a good day. I just wanted to put my laundry in the dryer and wait for it to dry and call it a day. But no.....I put the first three quarters in the dryer with no problem. Then the fourth, and it came tumbling out of the coin return. Then I put it in again, then it came out again, then I put it in again, and it came out again (this sounds a little pornographic)....but anyhow- you get the picture. I immediately understood crimes of passion at that moment. I went outside and threw the phantom quarter across the yard and into the neighbors yard, while saying some choice words and jumping up and down. Awesome....not only were my clothes wet, but I didn't even have the phantom quarter to try to swap with my neighbors. So I had to go up to my cool neighbors, explain what happened and beg a quarter off of them. NOT a shining moment. Washer and dryer in my house is life changing because I won't have to throw anymore quarters into my neighbors yard risking great bodily damage to them if the quarter hits them in the face.
The second thing that has changed my life is actually a tie between having my Ipod hook up to my car and Sirius Radio. First, you have to understand that I was 32 years old before I had a car with automatic ANYTHING. The car I had before the car I have now (and will probably have for the rest of my life), was a stick, had a TAPE player, manual windows and locks.....and if you drove faster than about 60 MPH in it the car shook and I had many fears that the hood would fly up while driving on the 405 Tommy Boy style. I had my current car for a good 6 months before I found out you can hook your Ipod up to it. OMG....there is no better place to rock out to some Billie Jean or Debbie Gibson than in your car. I will belt that shit out, and I sound awesome. Something about the acoustics of my car make me sound like a superstar. BUT, there is also this thing called Sirius Radio.....and they have an 80's music channel. Are you kidding me? All 80's all the time....this is fantastic! AND...the radio display tells me what song is playing and who sings it. If only I could figure out a way to instantly buy songs from Sirius radio and have them downloaded into my Ipod. AND, apparently I can hook my Ipod into my receiver.....WHAT? When did all of these inventions happen? These have been miracles of my life. I drove home from work today singing Jesse's Girl.....maybe one of the best songs of all time.
And finally, the third thing that I must add to this list of things that have changed my life is...CENTRAL AIR CONDITIONING. During this, the hottest and most dry summer in 60 years (I think about the Grapes of Wrath and how different all their lives would have been with central air), I think that anyone with Central Air Conditioning can appreciate why this has changed my life. I am a well "rounded" gal...things gotta be cool!!!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Ode to the Original
When I was growing up the annual summer launch event was the first trio of the season to Eliches. A little history for those of you not native to Denver. Eliches is the local amusement park. Other Denverites are probably rolling their eyes right now because I am not mentioning Lakeside....the omission of Lakeside in the list of amusement parks in Denver is not a mistake. Eliches used to be located on Tennyson, not particularly near any landmark that would draw tourists to visit. It was very small, but it was original. I believe it opened at the end of the 19th century, somewhere around 1890 or so, and when we used to take our annual summer pilgrimage to Eliches nostalgia would cover you like a cloak. As soon as you walked through the gate you were surrounded by the familiar sounds of the park, the bells and alarms of people winning their favorite carnival games, the smell of cotton candy and felafels. If you turned to your right, you could stand in line for your first ride on Mister Twister, the larger of the two wooden roller coasters in the park. It was a deceptively long line as it twisted and turned underneath part of the very coaster you were eagerly and patiently waiting to ride.
If roller coasters weren't something you liked to ride, everyone liked to ride Denver's answer to Pirates of the Caribbean. The original log ride. The inevitable long ride was worth it, as it was, at one time at least, the only "water" ride. You knew once you passed the gum tree that you were almost ready to get on the ride. The gum tree was a park favorite and certainly something that everyone knew about it. It was about a million year old pine tree of some sort that everyone stuck their chewed gum into. The gum tree was the landmark of the park. Once you boarded your log, where you would sit one in front of the other, four to a log (kind of like the Matterhorn). You would float through this old miners scene where animatronics brought alive the men and women of the gold rush era, those who founded Colorado. You heard their miners songs and watched as they worked, and at the end of the ride your log was put on a rubber assembly line and pulled up a steep hill. Once at the top you would gently round a curve and then go careening down a hill at what seemed like a million miles an hour. Even though my skin would burn whenever the log ride water would splash on me it was, by far, my favorite ride.
Not far from the log ride was the second wooden roller coaster, the Wildcat. This was a shorter ride than the other coaster, but much more rickety and brain damage inducing. After exiting that ride I felt giddy and excited, but not unlike what I imagine a shaken baby must feel like. From the exit of the Wildcat, you could walk a few more steps to the back of the park and enter kiddie land. When I was very young, there were two rides that we ALWAYS had to ride. I am using the word "ride" very loosely here. First were the boats. This was the ride that you could only go on as a small child and you would get in a little boat and drive around a little tank. The boats were on arms, so the kids never were controlling them, but when you are 5 there is something liberating about getting on a ride that your mom can't get on with you and that you get to have a steering wheel. Of course, fights would always ensue as there was only one steering wheel and of course every kid wanted to sit in the seat with the steering wheel. The other ride in kiddie land was the car ride. Basically this was the same premise as the boat ride, where you get to "drive" a car around a little town. Very similar to Autopolis at Disneyland. The cars are on a track and would travel at the astonishing rate of 1-2 miles per hour, but it was a car and little kids could drive.
Ahh, what a nice trip down memory lane. I got to thinking about this- the Original Eliche Gardens- a couple of weeks ago when talking to a kid at work. This kid is probably in his early 20's (remember when we were in OUR early 20's?) and I asked him what he had done over the weekend. He mentioned that he had a season pass to Eliches so he went there with some friends. When he said that I asked him if he liked Eliches downtown better than the "old" Eliches. His response was "I really didn't notice much of a difference when it was Six Flags." I chuckled and told him that I meant that I like the original Eliches, the one with the gum tree. He looked at me like I had a third eye or a tail. I went on to tell him about the original location of Eliches and watched his face as he must have been internally dismissing the bat shit crazy old lady (who he constantly ma'ams) sitting in front of him. I had to google it- I had to show him that Eliches as he knows it isn't the original, and in my opinion, isn't even on the same coolness scale as the original.
I wonder what happened to the gum tree? They should have put the gum tree at DIA instead of that stupid small headed blue horse. What better a landmark than the gum tree?
If roller coasters weren't something you liked to ride, everyone liked to ride Denver's answer to Pirates of the Caribbean. The original log ride. The inevitable long ride was worth it, as it was, at one time at least, the only "water" ride. You knew once you passed the gum tree that you were almost ready to get on the ride. The gum tree was a park favorite and certainly something that everyone knew about it. It was about a million year old pine tree of some sort that everyone stuck their chewed gum into. The gum tree was the landmark of the park. Once you boarded your log, where you would sit one in front of the other, four to a log (kind of like the Matterhorn). You would float through this old miners scene where animatronics brought alive the men and women of the gold rush era, those who founded Colorado. You heard their miners songs and watched as they worked, and at the end of the ride your log was put on a rubber assembly line and pulled up a steep hill. Once at the top you would gently round a curve and then go careening down a hill at what seemed like a million miles an hour. Even though my skin would burn whenever the log ride water would splash on me it was, by far, my favorite ride.
Not far from the log ride was the second wooden roller coaster, the Wildcat. This was a shorter ride than the other coaster, but much more rickety and brain damage inducing. After exiting that ride I felt giddy and excited, but not unlike what I imagine a shaken baby must feel like. From the exit of the Wildcat, you could walk a few more steps to the back of the park and enter kiddie land. When I was very young, there were two rides that we ALWAYS had to ride. I am using the word "ride" very loosely here. First were the boats. This was the ride that you could only go on as a small child and you would get in a little boat and drive around a little tank. The boats were on arms, so the kids never were controlling them, but when you are 5 there is something liberating about getting on a ride that your mom can't get on with you and that you get to have a steering wheel. Of course, fights would always ensue as there was only one steering wheel and of course every kid wanted to sit in the seat with the steering wheel. The other ride in kiddie land was the car ride. Basically this was the same premise as the boat ride, where you get to "drive" a car around a little town. Very similar to Autopolis at Disneyland. The cars are on a track and would travel at the astonishing rate of 1-2 miles per hour, but it was a car and little kids could drive.
Ahh, what a nice trip down memory lane. I got to thinking about this- the Original Eliche Gardens- a couple of weeks ago when talking to a kid at work. This kid is probably in his early 20's (remember when we were in OUR early 20's?) and I asked him what he had done over the weekend. He mentioned that he had a season pass to Eliches so he went there with some friends. When he said that I asked him if he liked Eliches downtown better than the "old" Eliches. His response was "I really didn't notice much of a difference when it was Six Flags." I chuckled and told him that I meant that I like the original Eliches, the one with the gum tree. He looked at me like I had a third eye or a tail. I went on to tell him about the original location of Eliches and watched his face as he must have been internally dismissing the bat shit crazy old lady (who he constantly ma'ams) sitting in front of him. I had to google it- I had to show him that Eliches as he knows it isn't the original, and in my opinion, isn't even on the same coolness scale as the original.
I wonder what happened to the gum tree? They should have put the gum tree at DIA instead of that stupid small headed blue horse. What better a landmark than the gum tree?
Monday, July 9, 2012
I'm baaaaaaack.......
Wow- it's been a long while since I found myself in the spirits to blog again. After about 2 months back home, I am finally inspired to share my pearls of wisdom with my readers....all 1 of you. For any others who are reading....tell your friends....tell your enemies....tell everyone to read everything I write so I can finally retire and live the lifestyle I SHOULD already be accustom to.
I decided to leave my carefree Los Angeles days behind and move back to my hometown and for my long awaited return, I would like to share my initial observations of the differences between LA and Denver. Of course there are the obvious differences....there is no beach (and as such no Paradise Cove) in Denver; rarely is there a $500,000 in my rearview mirror out here; the only disasters I was truly concerned about in Los Angeles were riots from thousands of stranded drivers halted on their way home because the Brittney Spears decided to grab a coffee on Melrose or Michael Jackson's body was being transported to UCLA, (oh, and the president's visiting too was a drag); since I have been back in Denver there have been no fewer than 5 tornado warnings with blaring sirens and all, horrific wild fires and flash flood warnings. And thus I am brought to my first comment about Colorado and things that happen only here: EAS warnings.
Emergency Alert Systems occur when there is an imminent threat (usually weather related). Not once when I lived in LA were my beloved television programs interrupted (every 10 minutes or so) with alarms and an actual warning. It's not like ticker tape at the bottom of the screen (like it used to be) telling you that there is a weather warning of some sort, but they actually black out the screen and have a loud siren sound while some dude (that sounds like he is in a newsroom) tells us why there is a weather warning. First, Angelinos may be shocked to hear that there are many different types of weather alerts out here. There are severe thunderstorm watches, severe thunderstorm warnings, tornado watches, tornado warnings, flash flood watches, flash flood warnings-- (here I will digress for a moment....these are only the summer weather warnings. There is a whole different set for the winter....and my GOD there are more weather people and instruments like the super duper doppler 7000 zx now offered in ultra high res HD to tell you all about these various types of weather...another blog for another time). Anyhow- back to the point: recently there were flash flood warnings. The dingus announcing the flash flood warnings actually says: "do not drown". I am so grateful that I now live in a place where the television tells me not to drown. The fact that they have to say it is one thing, but as I listened to the guy telling me not to drown, my first thought was that if I was physically close enough to the TV me to hear it tell me not to drown-- mind you the TV didn't tell me HOW to not drown, just told me not to do it-- I think I should be more worried about being electrocuted by that very same TV because I would have to be standing IN shit creek holding my TV in my hands for that warning to help. Ironic how something can save you and kill you all in one afternoon. But, as they say, if you don't like the weather out here, wait 5 minutes- it will change.
My next observation is the traffic. I didn't like traffic in LA. I lived 18 miles from my job and if OFTEN took me over an hour to get there...or back. In LA it isn't that there aren't enough roads- there are 17 ways to get from Hollywood to anywhere in Southern California- or that there are too many cars (there are plenty of roads, plenty of room). My issues with Angelinos behind the wheel are these: a more expensive car does NOT mean that the rules don't apply to you; indicator signals are used for the express purpose of indicating where you would like to go...if you want to change lanes, use your blinker...and when you have changed lanes and are in your lane of choice turn your signal off. The signal is not, nor will it ever be, an entitlement to be used concurrent with changing lanes. Even though every parking spot in LA is labeled for compact car, a Range Rover is not compact. If you live in LA and want to park your car, don't drive a douche bag car- simple! Here, things are so much different. First, there are basically three main freeways- the 70; the 25 and the 225. So there are not ebough roads, and not nearly enough escape routes. Since every single road in Colorado has road construction delays but without ever having actual construction done, I often find myself at the mercy of the mack trucks and solid lines that one cannot cross because "fines double in construction zone" (what a racket....road construction zone....really?). I love the fact that I can go to Target, not pay to park there, and have the chance to park far enough away from other cars that no one will open their door into my car or vice versa. However, no matter where I park when I come out of the store there is ALWAYS a minivan parked right next to me. And people who drive mini vans are NOT good at parking...again- more for another time. And what is the deal with round-abouts? This is the dumbest traffic invention of all time....people don't stop for stop signs and they sure as hell don't want to stop for another car. Wow-- the land of roundabouts. The first time I had to use one when I got here I was sad that no one was in the car when I said "hey kids, there's Big Ben, Parliment". WAY too many good jokes are wasted in an empty car.....
So, though there are several more observations I can make, and trust me- I will make them. I am known for a lot of things- but silence, tact and grace are not amongst them. My final commentary for tonight is that as I build another life back here in Denver, I can only hope that there are other faithful and unashamed reality television watchers with whom I can laugh away my lonliness. I hope to find another crowd of people who love a night at a live show- be it in a bar or an outdoor concert. I hope to find new friends who can share my insatiable love of books and literature. I know that I will never replace my good friends in Los Angeles...and I hope there are a lot of them reading this. Maria-- you always give me such confidence in writing; Tanisha- I miss you taking me to new places and our long talks; Joey- I miss your laugh; Kristina- I miss being bad with you; Jena- I miss how you always get my awesome references. But as I get older I know that no matter where my friends are- Jill- I will get to Boston and visit- and then we will go to New Orleans; Krista- I will visit when you are in Washington...I don't like Texas that much!--I know that home is where your friends are and where you are most loved. I am happy to be close to some childhood friends again- Erin, Valerie and many others. I am moved to action to FORCE Allison to read a good book and thrilled that she has introduced me to some really cool people who love to read too!! And then there's my actual family... my crazy dramatic animal freezing mother, my hilarious tiny footed father and my giant brother and sister in law (I am still shocked that my brother is married, and a dad). Finally, I get to see Charlie grow up and though I don't know where my path will lead me- I may live here for the rest of my life or only for a short time- but my hope to be as big a part of Charlie as my beloved Aunt Julie was (is) of me...then it won't matter where I live! So long as I am fantastically needy and hilarious, then I will always be loved! :)
I decided to leave my carefree Los Angeles days behind and move back to my hometown and for my long awaited return, I would like to share my initial observations of the differences between LA and Denver. Of course there are the obvious differences....there is no beach (and as such no Paradise Cove) in Denver; rarely is there a $500,000 in my rearview mirror out here; the only disasters I was truly concerned about in Los Angeles were riots from thousands of stranded drivers halted on their way home because the Brittney Spears decided to grab a coffee on Melrose or Michael Jackson's body was being transported to UCLA, (oh, and the president's visiting too was a drag); since I have been back in Denver there have been no fewer than 5 tornado warnings with blaring sirens and all, horrific wild fires and flash flood warnings. And thus I am brought to my first comment about Colorado and things that happen only here: EAS warnings.
Emergency Alert Systems occur when there is an imminent threat (usually weather related). Not once when I lived in LA were my beloved television programs interrupted (every 10 minutes or so) with alarms and an actual warning. It's not like ticker tape at the bottom of the screen (like it used to be) telling you that there is a weather warning of some sort, but they actually black out the screen and have a loud siren sound while some dude (that sounds like he is in a newsroom) tells us why there is a weather warning. First, Angelinos may be shocked to hear that there are many different types of weather alerts out here. There are severe thunderstorm watches, severe thunderstorm warnings, tornado watches, tornado warnings, flash flood watches, flash flood warnings-- (here I will digress for a moment....these are only the summer weather warnings. There is a whole different set for the winter....and my GOD there are more weather people and instruments like the super duper doppler 7000 zx now offered in ultra high res HD to tell you all about these various types of weather...another blog for another time). Anyhow- back to the point: recently there were flash flood warnings. The dingus announcing the flash flood warnings actually says: "do not drown". I am so grateful that I now live in a place where the television tells me not to drown. The fact that they have to say it is one thing, but as I listened to the guy telling me not to drown, my first thought was that if I was physically close enough to the TV me to hear it tell me not to drown-- mind you the TV didn't tell me HOW to not drown, just told me not to do it-- I think I should be more worried about being electrocuted by that very same TV because I would have to be standing IN shit creek holding my TV in my hands for that warning to help. Ironic how something can save you and kill you all in one afternoon. But, as they say, if you don't like the weather out here, wait 5 minutes- it will change.
My next observation is the traffic. I didn't like traffic in LA. I lived 18 miles from my job and if OFTEN took me over an hour to get there...or back. In LA it isn't that there aren't enough roads- there are 17 ways to get from Hollywood to anywhere in Southern California- or that there are too many cars (there are plenty of roads, plenty of room). My issues with Angelinos behind the wheel are these: a more expensive car does NOT mean that the rules don't apply to you; indicator signals are used for the express purpose of indicating where you would like to go...if you want to change lanes, use your blinker...and when you have changed lanes and are in your lane of choice turn your signal off. The signal is not, nor will it ever be, an entitlement to be used concurrent with changing lanes. Even though every parking spot in LA is labeled for compact car, a Range Rover is not compact. If you live in LA and want to park your car, don't drive a douche bag car- simple! Here, things are so much different. First, there are basically three main freeways- the 70; the 25 and the 225. So there are not ebough roads, and not nearly enough escape routes. Since every single road in Colorado has road construction delays but without ever having actual construction done, I often find myself at the mercy of the mack trucks and solid lines that one cannot cross because "fines double in construction zone" (what a racket....road construction zone....really?). I love the fact that I can go to Target, not pay to park there, and have the chance to park far enough away from other cars that no one will open their door into my car or vice versa. However, no matter where I park when I come out of the store there is ALWAYS a minivan parked right next to me. And people who drive mini vans are NOT good at parking...again- more for another time. And what is the deal with round-abouts? This is the dumbest traffic invention of all time....people don't stop for stop signs and they sure as hell don't want to stop for another car. Wow-- the land of roundabouts. The first time I had to use one when I got here I was sad that no one was in the car when I said "hey kids, there's Big Ben, Parliment". WAY too many good jokes are wasted in an empty car.....
So, though there are several more observations I can make, and trust me- I will make them. I am known for a lot of things- but silence, tact and grace are not amongst them. My final commentary for tonight is that as I build another life back here in Denver, I can only hope that there are other faithful and unashamed reality television watchers with whom I can laugh away my lonliness. I hope to find another crowd of people who love a night at a live show- be it in a bar or an outdoor concert. I hope to find new friends who can share my insatiable love of books and literature. I know that I will never replace my good friends in Los Angeles...and I hope there are a lot of them reading this. Maria-- you always give me such confidence in writing; Tanisha- I miss you taking me to new places and our long talks; Joey- I miss your laugh; Kristina- I miss being bad with you; Jena- I miss how you always get my awesome references. But as I get older I know that no matter where my friends are- Jill- I will get to Boston and visit- and then we will go to New Orleans; Krista- I will visit when you are in Washington...I don't like Texas that much!--I know that home is where your friends are and where you are most loved. I am happy to be close to some childhood friends again- Erin, Valerie and many others. I am moved to action to FORCE Allison to read a good book and thrilled that she has introduced me to some really cool people who love to read too!! And then there's my actual family... my crazy dramatic animal freezing mother, my hilarious tiny footed father and my giant brother and sister in law (I am still shocked that my brother is married, and a dad). Finally, I get to see Charlie grow up and though I don't know where my path will lead me- I may live here for the rest of my life or only for a short time- but my hope to be as big a part of Charlie as my beloved Aunt Julie was (is) of me...then it won't matter where I live! So long as I am fantastically needy and hilarious, then I will always be loved! :)
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Dr Drew- the man, the brand, the sell out
About 20 years ago, I was highly impressed with a new show that aired on MTV (I think) late at night approproately called LoveLine. What a great idea!! The premise (for those of you who missed it) was for a ne'er do well comic (reminds me a lot of Norm Macdonald) to be paired with a highly intelligent, well spoken and very well educated doctor who would answer live call-in questions. These were generally very specific questions that most of us have asked at one time or another but are too embarrased to ask. For example, a guy might call in asking if it is normal that his girlfriend pees while she is having an orgasm. Corolla would generally answer such an inquiry with a clever joke while Dr. Drew would answer the question from a medical standpoint. Entertaining and educational, what reality TV should be (that is another log for a later blog)
I digress...
While LoveLine had a cult like following, the show wasn't on for very long. And I was sad- for I really liked Dr. Drew. Here was a handsome man answering some very direct questions, and he did it with a grace, a respect and with honesty. It was brilliant. After the show ended, the era of reality TV was born. Dr. Drew, having some television experience, decided to cash in.
He moved to LA and soon was hard at work at the PRC (Pasadena Recovery Center). Soon enough, MTV came calling again and Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered. Again, this was a new topic, and proved to be very interesting...in the beginning. Cameras in rehab....what a brilliant idea. Again, it was done respectfully, and Dr. Drew took his time to be sure to address the myriad of afflictions one deals with in rehab along with the plethora of reasons one ended up in rehab.
And here, my friends, is what I call the beginning of the end. We became bored with watching normal, everyday people in rehab. This brand of reality television could no longer quench our thirst. We needed a bigger train wreck to keep our attention...and Dr. Drew answered with "Celebrity" rehab (yes, I used the often ill placed and over-used quotes around celebrity.....but again- that's a log for a later blog). Now we could watch people like Jaime Foxxworth (Family Matters); Rico Suave (the wrestler, not the singer, in case you were confused), a Baldwin Brother, Brigette Nielsen, and Chyna- to name a few- battle with their addictions.
Up until then, we were okay. I was still on the up and up with Dr. Drew- I felt like he was looking out for the best and trying to educate as many people as he could on the dangers of drugs and alcohol; and he understood that people are more likely to watch about the disasters of "celebrities" than of normal, everyday people. And then comes Sober House. And then comes Season 2, and it goes on and on. Dr. Drew continued to offer his celebrity to MTV and MTV continues to film the celebrities at PRC. And then some of them relapsed, and we all heard about that on TMZ and laughed when they were admitted back into rehab in an effort to avoid jail or criminal charges (a benefit that your average junkie does not have).
And then people died. The shows continued, and the Dr. Drew celebrity grew more and more ferocious, and Dr. Drew began commentating on current events. First he was the guest on several shows, and then he decided to have his own show. This was supposed to be a show where he and other professionals examined the news stories that everyone was following. He led the campaign (along with Nancy Grace) to discuss, at nausium, Casey Anthony and Nadia Suleman (Octo-mom). The slow decline started here.
From Teen Mom (stop giving kudos to teen mothers...another log for another blog) to LifeChangers (Judge Drewdy); I implore you Dr. Drew-- STOP THE MADNESS. 5 years ago I would listen to Dr. Drew and respect his opinion, but now.....not so much. He went from the Man, to the brand... to the recently sold out.
Where is Judge Drewdy for that one? Be a doctor, or be a television personality- but you must chose a side. You, my friend, have drawn the indellible line in the sand.....
Now I see that Dr. Drew has another show called Life changers--- and one of the episodes is called "Judge Drewsky". NO. I am here to tell you, Dr. Drew-- you have gone too far.
I digress...
While LoveLine had a cult like following, the show wasn't on for very long. And I was sad- for I really liked Dr. Drew. Here was a handsome man answering some very direct questions, and he did it with a grace, a respect and with honesty. It was brilliant. After the show ended, the era of reality TV was born. Dr. Drew, having some television experience, decided to cash in.
He moved to LA and soon was hard at work at the PRC (Pasadena Recovery Center). Soon enough, MTV came calling again and Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered. Again, this was a new topic, and proved to be very interesting...in the beginning. Cameras in rehab....what a brilliant idea. Again, it was done respectfully, and Dr. Drew took his time to be sure to address the myriad of afflictions one deals with in rehab along with the plethora of reasons one ended up in rehab.
And here, my friends, is what I call the beginning of the end. We became bored with watching normal, everyday people in rehab. This brand of reality television could no longer quench our thirst. We needed a bigger train wreck to keep our attention...and Dr. Drew answered with "Celebrity" rehab (yes, I used the often ill placed and over-used quotes around celebrity.....but again- that's a log for a later blog). Now we could watch people like Jaime Foxxworth (Family Matters); Rico Suave (the wrestler, not the singer, in case you were confused), a Baldwin Brother, Brigette Nielsen, and Chyna- to name a few- battle with their addictions.
Up until then, we were okay. I was still on the up and up with Dr. Drew- I felt like he was looking out for the best and trying to educate as many people as he could on the dangers of drugs and alcohol; and he understood that people are more likely to watch about the disasters of "celebrities" than of normal, everyday people. And then comes Sober House. And then comes Season 2, and it goes on and on. Dr. Drew continued to offer his celebrity to MTV and MTV continues to film the celebrities at PRC. And then some of them relapsed, and we all heard about that on TMZ and laughed when they were admitted back into rehab in an effort to avoid jail or criminal charges (a benefit that your average junkie does not have).
And then people died. The shows continued, and the Dr. Drew celebrity grew more and more ferocious, and Dr. Drew began commentating on current events. First he was the guest on several shows, and then he decided to have his own show. This was supposed to be a show where he and other professionals examined the news stories that everyone was following. He led the campaign (along with Nancy Grace) to discuss, at nausium, Casey Anthony and Nadia Suleman (Octo-mom). The slow decline started here.
From Teen Mom (stop giving kudos to teen mothers...another log for another blog) to LifeChangers (Judge Drewdy); I implore you Dr. Drew-- STOP THE MADNESS. 5 years ago I would listen to Dr. Drew and respect his opinion, but now.....not so much. He went from the Man, to the brand... to the recently sold out.
Where is Judge Drewdy for that one? Be a doctor, or be a television personality- but you must chose a side. You, my friend, have drawn the indellible line in the sand.....
Now I see that Dr. Drew has another show called Life changers--- and one of the episodes is called "Judge Drewsky". NO. I am here to tell you, Dr. Drew-- you have gone too far.
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