It is cold in Southern California. I COULD SEE MY BREATH THIS MORNING. While some Angelinos may find this quaint, I do not. I am a Denver native, and it was only with sheer gusto and effort that I remained in Colorado for 26 years without ever skiing. I moved to California thinking of sunny days and warm nights, mornings without frost on my windshield, never needing a hat (for anything other an a fashion accessory anyhow). Holy shit- it was 45 degrees when I was driving to work this morning.
Now, for those of you in the bitter cold of my native land, SHUT UP and smack those rolling eyes straight. I have lost my winter legs (thing sea legs....). But, being the eternal optimist that I am (shut up be-atch-- you know who you are), I am seeing the silver lining. I leave for Mexico in less than a week. OMG-- free bar and Mexico for 10 days....I may just get lucky yet! Granted I am vacationing with my parents-- and for those of you who have met my mom- you know. And my brother and his girlfriend---- who would have thought that in the dynamic of my immediate family I would be the fifth wheel. But anyhow- the acholol will keep me obliviously unaware of the fact that at 31 years old the only people I can find to take a 10 day trip to Mexico with is my family......
Oh well-- bring me another shot of tequila and a pedicure!!!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Too many lasts
Today was the last day of the Cabi Experience. Wow- that was something. I was sad to go- I got rather used to the liquid lunches and the taco Tuesdays and the early off Fridays. Sure, there was work to be done, we did what we needed to do. I am sad to be leaving my boss, he was a great boss. Figures, find a guy who is nice and I can't work for him any longer--sheesh. Just my luck!
Finished school today as well- with all A's in the program. Pretty excited about that. But I start a new job tomorrow....no rest for the weary, I suppose. Wish me luck- I am kind of frail and shy and tend to not fit in well........
I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET! :)
9 more days to Mexico!!
Finished school today as well- with all A's in the program. Pretty excited about that. But I start a new job tomorrow....no rest for the weary, I suppose. Wish me luck- I am kind of frail and shy and tend to not fit in well........
I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET! :)
9 more days to Mexico!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
OMG- I WAS that kid....
I have come to a frightening realization. I was that kid.....
You know what I am talking about. The kid who talks like a grown up-- yup, that was me. I can remember when I was young that I wanted to have conversations with my friend's moms. Sheesh. I was a freak! I was that kid who wasn't shy....NEVER shy. This one time, when I was about 4 or so, I remember going to The Black Angus restaurant. Now, this was quite the event for a child to go to a fancy restaurant (by mid-western standards anyhow) in the early 80's. We were just at the tail end of the disco era and the restaurant had a bona-fide dance floor. This was straight out of Saturday Night Fever with the disco ball, the lighting up tiles on the floor and mirror walls. So, of course, needing to be the center of attention, I decided that I would dance. Not that I am particularly a good dancer--- I can't carry rhythm in a basket. But, I decided that I needed to dance. And to what song, you may ask? Ahhh....the coup de graw- Eye of the Tiger. That was a BRILLIANT SONG. Survivor ROCKS! Wow, someone really should have put me out of my misery.
I was the kid who didn't practice the best hygiene. When I was in grade school, we would eat dinner and then I would take my mom's little TV up to the bathroom and watch Life Goes On while I took a bath. Oh Corky, how I admire you so. I would eat a heaping bowl of ice cream while sitting in my own filth in the bathtub. And I didn't even wash my hair! I was a little too lazy for hair washing. I think that is why I had a cross between Dorthy Hammil and boy hair until I was 11! I would bounce on the couch. This is where I would sit on the couch and rock myself- forward then back, then forward then back. It was rhythmic to me, and I loved it. I did it all the time. Now, I just have restless leg syndrome (can you even believe they have a name for that?) You would think that because I was such a spaz, I would have been a really skinny kid. Not the case. I was that kid who was a little on the heavy side, very bossy, a know it all and not afraid to tell you about it, a liar (or exaggerator as people would say). I can't even believe that the laws of darwanism didn't kick in with me being beaten by my classmates because I WAS THAT KID!
So, I look back on these things and wonder-- why did I feel compelled to wear the same sweatshirt to school prolly 10 days in a row? And believe me, I did....I didn't see what the problem was. I was the kid who never truly brushed her hair. One time, I tried to brush my hair with a roller brush....YIKES. It got so stuck in my hair that my mom had to cut it out! What a disaster that was. Talk about no patience, having to be in charge, the center of attention. So insecure you could see it surrounding me like a blanket; hence the projection of me needing the most attention.
It's strange to look back at yourself as a kid. I was annoying, I was a spaz, a know it all, a busybody. But, I think that I wanted what we all want. I wanted friends, and to be wanted. I always was the center of a lot of jokes. Fat jokes a plenty ( I guess all those bowls of ice cream while learning life lessons from Corky backfired)! There was a time in middle school when one of the "popular" girls (aka bitch) called me and invited me to go to the fun park with her. I was THRILLED. I asked my mom and got directions over to her house.....and then my mom took me over. I knocked on the door and was a nervous wreck. No one answered. Then I saw the girl and her friends looking out at me from a window and laughing at me. I guess I was the center of attention that day- I was the butt of the joke.
But (no pun intended) I persevered. I may be single, but I am in control. I have sole control of the thermostat, the remote control and most importantly- the whiskey! Allison will appreciate this- I was hungry in the middle of the night last night- so I made bacon--- because I could! So, though I was that kid- I have grown up-- oh shit--- I am THAT adult now???? Crap- though there are worse things that being a spinster with the hopes of many, many cats!
You know what I am talking about. The kid who talks like a grown up-- yup, that was me. I can remember when I was young that I wanted to have conversations with my friend's moms. Sheesh. I was a freak! I was that kid who wasn't shy....NEVER shy. This one time, when I was about 4 or so, I remember going to The Black Angus restaurant. Now, this was quite the event for a child to go to a fancy restaurant (by mid-western standards anyhow) in the early 80's. We were just at the tail end of the disco era and the restaurant had a bona-fide dance floor. This was straight out of Saturday Night Fever with the disco ball, the lighting up tiles on the floor and mirror walls. So, of course, needing to be the center of attention, I decided that I would dance. Not that I am particularly a good dancer--- I can't carry rhythm in a basket. But, I decided that I needed to dance. And to what song, you may ask? Ahhh....the coup de graw- Eye of the Tiger. That was a BRILLIANT SONG. Survivor ROCKS! Wow, someone really should have put me out of my misery.
I was the kid who didn't practice the best hygiene. When I was in grade school, we would eat dinner and then I would take my mom's little TV up to the bathroom and watch Life Goes On while I took a bath. Oh Corky, how I admire you so. I would eat a heaping bowl of ice cream while sitting in my own filth in the bathtub. And I didn't even wash my hair! I was a little too lazy for hair washing. I think that is why I had a cross between Dorthy Hammil and boy hair until I was 11! I would bounce on the couch. This is where I would sit on the couch and rock myself- forward then back, then forward then back. It was rhythmic to me, and I loved it. I did it all the time. Now, I just have restless leg syndrome (can you even believe they have a name for that?) You would think that because I was such a spaz, I would have been a really skinny kid. Not the case. I was that kid who was a little on the heavy side, very bossy, a know it all and not afraid to tell you about it, a liar (or exaggerator as people would say). I can't even believe that the laws of darwanism didn't kick in with me being beaten by my classmates because I WAS THAT KID!
So, I look back on these things and wonder-- why did I feel compelled to wear the same sweatshirt to school prolly 10 days in a row? And believe me, I did....I didn't see what the problem was. I was the kid who never truly brushed her hair. One time, I tried to brush my hair with a roller brush....YIKES. It got so stuck in my hair that my mom had to cut it out! What a disaster that was. Talk about no patience, having to be in charge, the center of attention. So insecure you could see it surrounding me like a blanket; hence the projection of me needing the most attention.
It's strange to look back at yourself as a kid. I was annoying, I was a spaz, a know it all, a busybody. But, I think that I wanted what we all want. I wanted friends, and to be wanted. I always was the center of a lot of jokes. Fat jokes a plenty ( I guess all those bowls of ice cream while learning life lessons from Corky backfired)! There was a time in middle school when one of the "popular" girls (aka bitch) called me and invited me to go to the fun park with her. I was THRILLED. I asked my mom and got directions over to her house.....and then my mom took me over. I knocked on the door and was a nervous wreck. No one answered. Then I saw the girl and her friends looking out at me from a window and laughing at me. I guess I was the center of attention that day- I was the butt of the joke.
But (no pun intended) I persevered. I may be single, but I am in control. I have sole control of the thermostat, the remote control and most importantly- the whiskey! Allison will appreciate this- I was hungry in the middle of the night last night- so I made bacon--- because I could! So, though I was that kid- I have grown up-- oh shit--- I am THAT adult now???? Crap- though there are worse things that being a spinster with the hopes of many, many cats!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
My Brilliance
So with my looming unemployment, I have decided that I will invent a couple of things to make a girl's life easier in order to make a zillion dollars and be able to live in my eating pants with no financial worries.
First, I am going to invent some kind of aparatus which will dry the toilet seat in the public restrooms. Ladies, I know that a lot of you feel my pain. Girls are at a HUGE disadvantage when in a bathroom because whether we like it or not, likely that we will have to touch the toilet. Some people may go the extra mile and put that toilet seat guard on the seat. Really, who are we kidding? That is a simple THIN piece of tracing paper that never stays on the seat anyhow, and when the seat is wet (which it almost always is) the wetness comes through the thin paper and latches on to your ass anyhow. The other alternative is the hovercraft move but that can be awkward with high heels and tight pants on and you risk falling partially into the toilet OR falling completely down all while peeing on yourself because balancing above the toiler but not sitting is bard work. As I see it women end up having to sit on a toilet seat that is wet. Either it's wet from other pee (EWWWEEE) or the turbo flush 8000 sprayed excess water onto the seat when it flushed from the previous user. Either way- COOTIES. So I think that some kind of method to dry off the toilet seat would be a huge step forward in the progress of womankind.
Next, I would like to invent a book light that is actually good. I have a book light now that clips onto the book and shines the light on the top part of the left page-- but the rest of the pages are a little difficult to read. How hard can this be?
Third, I think that I will invent a hair band that DOESN'T lose shape and get all stretched out after I use it the first two times (and one that my cat isn't going to play with).
Fourth- and I this would go for guys too- I am in desperate need of socks which I can wear with my loafers (SHUT UP, loafers are COOL) without them falling down and turning around so that the heel of my sock is on the top part of my foot after four steps. That is the most annoying thing in the world. I mean, seriously, we put a man on the moon, can't we get socks that stay in place?
the next critical thing missing from my life is a black material that I can have a suit or dress made out of, Machine washable, that doesn't attract every single piece of cat hair from my whole block. I have a tape roller in my house, in my car and at my desk, yet I still have a ton of cat hair on my clothes at all times. I have just given up trying to get it off!
These are only a few of my ideas. I think that I may have a lot of free time on my hands in the coming month, so I will come up with more-- but I feel if I invent these things that I will never have to work again!
First, I am going to invent some kind of aparatus which will dry the toilet seat in the public restrooms. Ladies, I know that a lot of you feel my pain. Girls are at a HUGE disadvantage when in a bathroom because whether we like it or not, likely that we will have to touch the toilet. Some people may go the extra mile and put that toilet seat guard on the seat. Really, who are we kidding? That is a simple THIN piece of tracing paper that never stays on the seat anyhow, and when the seat is wet (which it almost always is) the wetness comes through the thin paper and latches on to your ass anyhow. The other alternative is the hovercraft move but that can be awkward with high heels and tight pants on and you risk falling partially into the toilet OR falling completely down all while peeing on yourself because balancing above the toiler but not sitting is bard work. As I see it women end up having to sit on a toilet seat that is wet. Either it's wet from other pee (EWWWEEE) or the turbo flush 8000 sprayed excess water onto the seat when it flushed from the previous user. Either way- COOTIES. So I think that some kind of method to dry off the toilet seat would be a huge step forward in the progress of womankind.
Next, I would like to invent a book light that is actually good. I have a book light now that clips onto the book and shines the light on the top part of the left page-- but the rest of the pages are a little difficult to read. How hard can this be?
Third, I think that I will invent a hair band that DOESN'T lose shape and get all stretched out after I use it the first two times (and one that my cat isn't going to play with).
Fourth- and I this would go for guys too- I am in desperate need of socks which I can wear with my loafers (SHUT UP, loafers are COOL) without them falling down and turning around so that the heel of my sock is on the top part of my foot after four steps. That is the most annoying thing in the world. I mean, seriously, we put a man on the moon, can't we get socks that stay in place?
the next critical thing missing from my life is a black material that I can have a suit or dress made out of, Machine washable, that doesn't attract every single piece of cat hair from my whole block. I have a tape roller in my house, in my car and at my desk, yet I still have a ton of cat hair on my clothes at all times. I have just given up trying to get it off!
These are only a few of my ideas. I think that I may have a lot of free time on my hands in the coming month, so I will come up with more-- but I feel if I invent these things that I will never have to work again!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
It's just rain, people!
Tuesday is biggest loser day, and I am forever a fan of the biggest loser. I can't believe Vicky is still on that show. What a waste...
Anyhow-- so it started to rain during the show. I am a midwestern gal, so rain is not a big deal. Granted it doesn't rain all that often here, but still, in the end, it's just rain. I am used to the snow, and the tornadoes and hail and all other kinds of nature's fury. I have come to discover that most Angelino's like the rain, as do I. I like the cooler weather and the nice sound of the rain, especially since I don't need to leave the house today. Then, during the critical moments of the show I hear a loud boom outside my window. I think it was a car backfire.
But then I hear some additional commotion. Some guys yelling and then another loud boom. It sounds like someone is dropping a piece of wood off of a balcony so it lands in the street with a loud smack. Now I am a little suspicious. Again, I can hear a guy yelling something but since the TV is on, I can't decipher what he is saying. For those of you not used to urban living, let me digress a minute to explain why I am not immediately concerned because often strange pieces of furniture end up in the street. There have been exploded pumpkins, mattresses, and a plethora of other treasures in the street and littering the sidewalk. I live close to the boulevard and at times there are drunk people walking back to their cars and involved in other shenanigans. Suffice it to say, it can get noisy. Since I am at the critical point of The Biggest Loser, I am just pissed off that this noise is interrupting my night (yes, I know that I am pathetic for getting this agitated over a little noise because the Biggest Loser is on). Then I hear more yelling and I mute the TV trying to figure out what the hell is going on. There is a lot of hollering and I think there must be people fighting.
As any good American would, I go to the window, and then another really loud bang, but since my window doesn't face the street I can't see anything. Then I hear "put the gun down" and "put your hands up" and "don't go in there" and "walk this way". Then another loud pop. Shit, this is not good. I am about to call 911 when I hear the helicopter and know that the police are on top of whatever is happening. But, I am understandably frightened as I begin to realize that there is seriously an "event" occurring about 50 feet from my front door. By this time I have CLEARLY missed the ending of The Biggest Loser and I am understandably shaken by the helicopter that is circling right above my apartment with a spotlight following someone or something.
Now, I am thinking that this is breaking news, right? I mean, there is something with shots being fired (and there were several) and police are everywhere and there is a police helicopter and further away there are several other helicopters in the air, presumably news choppers. So, right away I turn on the news figuring that this actively happening event will be on the news. I am worried that there is some criminal on the loose near my house and I live alone so I want to make sure that everything is safe. Whatever was going on was still happening because that damn helicopter was just circling what seemed like inches above the roof. You would think that this would at least be on the news.....
Uh....no. Apparently the rain is more important. I watched all 30 minutes of the local news, and 28 of them were from the weather girl reporting on RAIN. Not like it's particularly bad rain, or devastating. I get that there are potential mud slides in the burn areas, and granted the rarity of rain merits news coverage. But the entire news was all Super-Mega- spastic Doppler 17 gillion and watching this "serious storm cell as mother nature unleashes her fury across the southland".
IT'S JUST RAIN.
I later found out that there was a man running around my apartment building with a shotgun while police pursued him on foot and eventually arrested him 2 houses over.
But I hear nothing but about the RAIN.
Anyhow-- so it started to rain during the show. I am a midwestern gal, so rain is not a big deal. Granted it doesn't rain all that often here, but still, in the end, it's just rain. I am used to the snow, and the tornadoes and hail and all other kinds of nature's fury. I have come to discover that most Angelino's like the rain, as do I. I like the cooler weather and the nice sound of the rain, especially since I don't need to leave the house today. Then, during the critical moments of the show I hear a loud boom outside my window. I think it was a car backfire.
But then I hear some additional commotion. Some guys yelling and then another loud boom. It sounds like someone is dropping a piece of wood off of a balcony so it lands in the street with a loud smack. Now I am a little suspicious. Again, I can hear a guy yelling something but since the TV is on, I can't decipher what he is saying. For those of you not used to urban living, let me digress a minute to explain why I am not immediately concerned because often strange pieces of furniture end up in the street. There have been exploded pumpkins, mattresses, and a plethora of other treasures in the street and littering the sidewalk. I live close to the boulevard and at times there are drunk people walking back to their cars and involved in other shenanigans. Suffice it to say, it can get noisy. Since I am at the critical point of The Biggest Loser, I am just pissed off that this noise is interrupting my night (yes, I know that I am pathetic for getting this agitated over a little noise because the Biggest Loser is on). Then I hear more yelling and I mute the TV trying to figure out what the hell is going on. There is a lot of hollering and I think there must be people fighting.
As any good American would, I go to the window, and then another really loud bang, but since my window doesn't face the street I can't see anything. Then I hear "put the gun down" and "put your hands up" and "don't go in there" and "walk this way". Then another loud pop. Shit, this is not good. I am about to call 911 when I hear the helicopter and know that the police are on top of whatever is happening. But, I am understandably frightened as I begin to realize that there is seriously an "event" occurring about 50 feet from my front door. By this time I have CLEARLY missed the ending of The Biggest Loser and I am understandably shaken by the helicopter that is circling right above my apartment with a spotlight following someone or something.
Now, I am thinking that this is breaking news, right? I mean, there is something with shots being fired (and there were several) and police are everywhere and there is a police helicopter and further away there are several other helicopters in the air, presumably news choppers. So, right away I turn on the news figuring that this actively happening event will be on the news. I am worried that there is some criminal on the loose near my house and I live alone so I want to make sure that everything is safe. Whatever was going on was still happening because that damn helicopter was just circling what seemed like inches above the roof. You would think that this would at least be on the news.....
Uh....no. Apparently the rain is more important. I watched all 30 minutes of the local news, and 28 of them were from the weather girl reporting on RAIN. Not like it's particularly bad rain, or devastating. I get that there are potential mud slides in the burn areas, and granted the rarity of rain merits news coverage. But the entire news was all Super-Mega- spastic Doppler 17 gillion and watching this "serious storm cell as mother nature unleashes her fury across the southland".
IT'S JUST RAIN.
I later found out that there was a man running around my apartment building with a shotgun while police pursued him on foot and eventually arrested him 2 houses over.
But I hear nothing but about the RAIN.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The Pick Up Car
I know that being the hot sexy gal that I am that I will be hit on (YEAH RIGHT), but there is something strange in the air in Los Angeles. When I was back in the old country (back on planet earth, a little place called Denver) men did things right. They would approach only the attractive petite girls who wear TIGHT jeans which enable you to determine the color of her thong. The men get drunk, buy the girls fruity little drinks with umbrellas in them, and for the most part I am left alone. I have gotten used to this. I have never been picked up or even hit on in a bar, or restaurant, or anywhere....
Anyhow- I digress; the point is that there are times and places when you expect to be hit on, right? Yet out here, the car pick up seems to be gaining in momentum. I am in my little sanctuary, driving west on Pico this morning rockin' out to a little Journey and the 40-ish year old mexican guy with a little mustache that made him look kinda like a child molester pulls up next to me. I'm a little startled because he was staring right at me. And I'm thinking that it's just because I am rockin out to Journey-- you know I had the head bob going, the belting out of the most excellent 80's lyrics EVER (and believe me, this is all very cool in my Chevy Cavalier!). So when I got that strange feeling that someone was watching me--you know that feeling right? Sometimes you just feel like you are being watched? So I laughed because I knew that I was just geekin out and looked like a giant spaz. And then, the best thing ever happened. He smiles back at me. It was either the gold tooth OR the 20 oz Beer in the cup holder of his paint splattered 1988 Nissan Pick up truck with a bobble head Jesus on the dash that killed the moment. Oh yeah, and the Jerry Curl he must have dipped his head in....EWWWEE. Anyhow- so I wonder why can I get picked up by that douchebag but not by a nice respectable person with all his teeth matching eachother in one shade of off white or another.
Does this happen to anyone else??
Anyhow- I digress; the point is that there are times and places when you expect to be hit on, right? Yet out here, the car pick up seems to be gaining in momentum. I am in my little sanctuary, driving west on Pico this morning rockin' out to a little Journey and the 40-ish year old mexican guy with a little mustache that made him look kinda like a child molester pulls up next to me. I'm a little startled because he was staring right at me. And I'm thinking that it's just because I am rockin out to Journey-- you know I had the head bob going, the belting out of the most excellent 80's lyrics EVER (and believe me, this is all very cool in my Chevy Cavalier!). So when I got that strange feeling that someone was watching me--you know that feeling right? Sometimes you just feel like you are being watched? So I laughed because I knew that I was just geekin out and looked like a giant spaz. And then, the best thing ever happened. He smiles back at me. It was either the gold tooth OR the 20 oz Beer in the cup holder of his paint splattered 1988 Nissan Pick up truck with a bobble head Jesus on the dash that killed the moment. Oh yeah, and the Jerry Curl he must have dipped his head in....EWWWEE. Anyhow- so I wonder why can I get picked up by that douchebag but not by a nice respectable person with all his teeth matching eachother in one shade of off white or another.
Does this happen to anyone else??
Sunday, November 23, 2008
3 in 12
About to be unemployed.....again....sort of.....maybe.....
What are the chances? Let's review, shall we? I started the year at Maguire Properties working for one of the worst bosses I have ever had, in one of the worst environments I have ever experienced. But, it paid the bills. Truth be told, when my boss stepped down and eliminated my position, I was happy. I was miserable at that job and acted in ways that I am not proud of things I did while there. So, I was relived when unemployment found me. I had done everything right- had money saved, and knew that I would land on my feet.
Two months later, I landed the best job ever. I have spent the past few months with this current company, and for the best boss I have ever had. I love the people who are there, I have a great boss who actually realizes that I have a brain in my head. I feel like I am important, like I matter, like I can do good things there. But, the company is unable to come to terms on some loan, so I am back to being unemployed (I think). The big boss people are coming out tomorrow to have a meeting with us...this will be very interesting. They will stand in front of us all and let us know that we are all about to be unemployed in the worst time of year in the worst economy that this country has seen since the 1930's. YAY!
Luckily, my boss has put me in touch with someone else who says he wants to hire me. This will be good- the 3rd job in 12 months. Wow. So, naturally I was a little bit of a mess last week. WTF- another job. I have done all the right things, gone to school, work hard (most of the time); am reasonably smart, loyal (I worked at Home Depot for almost 8 years for God's sake); and here I am about to find myself in the pink slip line again.
I took inventory- I am 30 pounds overweight, seemingly only able to attract men who are significantly older than me who have unnatural closeness with their sisters and who are unable to make more than $28k a year, have few friends even though I am really funny, lost several people very close to me in the last few years, parents on the verge of bankruptcy and divorce....so I got all that going for me. But alas, I have a brand new Truffle Shuffle shirt which gets me through all these cold, lonely nights. I am not being held captive on an oil tanker hijacked by Somali Pirates (this shit just happened) and to the best of my knowledge am healthy. I say that because I don't have health insurance (I am 9 days away from benefits at the job that I will be losing on Monday; can you believe that???). But I look for the positive in my life-- there is no tumor- that I am aware of and I truly believe that ignorance is bliss. I also think that there may be a man out there who can appreciate my ability to beltch the alphabet and who will enjoy that extra 30 pounds of Blubber- more to hold on to, right???
I am keeping my chin up, if only to avoid showing people my double chin. I am going into the office tomorrow to be laid off with pride. I wish I had a shirt with Dwight on it... that would be cool. I guess my Sloth shirt will have to do. I shouldn't' be required to dress up for a lay off, right?
What are the chances? Let's review, shall we? I started the year at Maguire Properties working for one of the worst bosses I have ever had, in one of the worst environments I have ever experienced. But, it paid the bills. Truth be told, when my boss stepped down and eliminated my position, I was happy. I was miserable at that job and acted in ways that I am not proud of things I did while there. So, I was relived when unemployment found me. I had done everything right- had money saved, and knew that I would land on my feet.
Two months later, I landed the best job ever. I have spent the past few months with this current company, and for the best boss I have ever had. I love the people who are there, I have a great boss who actually realizes that I have a brain in my head. I feel like I am important, like I matter, like I can do good things there. But, the company is unable to come to terms on some loan, so I am back to being unemployed (I think). The big boss people are coming out tomorrow to have a meeting with us...this will be very interesting. They will stand in front of us all and let us know that we are all about to be unemployed in the worst time of year in the worst economy that this country has seen since the 1930's. YAY!
Luckily, my boss has put me in touch with someone else who says he wants to hire me. This will be good- the 3rd job in 12 months. Wow. So, naturally I was a little bit of a mess last week. WTF- another job. I have done all the right things, gone to school, work hard (most of the time); am reasonably smart, loyal (I worked at Home Depot for almost 8 years for God's sake); and here I am about to find myself in the pink slip line again.
I took inventory- I am 30 pounds overweight, seemingly only able to attract men who are significantly older than me who have unnatural closeness with their sisters and who are unable to make more than $28k a year, have few friends even though I am really funny, lost several people very close to me in the last few years, parents on the verge of bankruptcy and divorce....so I got all that going for me. But alas, I have a brand new Truffle Shuffle shirt which gets me through all these cold, lonely nights. I am not being held captive on an oil tanker hijacked by Somali Pirates (this shit just happened) and to the best of my knowledge am healthy. I say that because I don't have health insurance (I am 9 days away from benefits at the job that I will be losing on Monday; can you believe that???). But I look for the positive in my life-- there is no tumor- that I am aware of and I truly believe that ignorance is bliss. I also think that there may be a man out there who can appreciate my ability to beltch the alphabet and who will enjoy that extra 30 pounds of Blubber- more to hold on to, right???
I am keeping my chin up, if only to avoid showing people my double chin. I am going into the office tomorrow to be laid off with pride. I wish I had a shirt with Dwight on it... that would be cool. I guess my Sloth shirt will have to do. I shouldn't' be required to dress up for a lay off, right?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Happy and Sad
I usually don't write about serious stuff. It just seems like there is too much stuff out there to bring you down, so I try to focus on the ridiculous so to brighten everyone's day. That being said, I typically stay away from the political side of things, but today I am deviating from my usual sunny disposition (shut up Allison...I can be sunny, DAMMIT).
Prop 8. Seriously, fellow Californian's, we passed prop 8? Holy schnikeys. For those of you not aware- in a nut shell Proposition 8 bans same sex marriage. And it passed.....seems a little strange that the most liberal state in the union, often referred to as The People's Republic of California, won't allow for same sex marriage. Seriously, who gives a hoot who marries who, right? The first problem is this whole religious right. I thought there would be more of them in Colorado-- I guess I was wrong. It turns out there are a lot of people against same sex marriage. I say if people want to get married we should let them- that simple. For me, it really is more than just the idea of marriage. I think of it in legal terms. For example, there could be some horrific circumstances where one person of a gay couple is injured or killed in an accident. As a legally recognized next of kin, like a husband, the next of kin would make the decisions. Yet, we, as Californians, have decided that we don't want that status to be granted to gay couples. What a bunch of horse shit! I am thoroughly disappointed in my fellow Angelinos for letting this thing pass. I mean, if two men or two women have dedicated themselves to their relationship and they want to reach that legal status, who the hell am I to tell them no. I mean, I have enough troubles in my own life that I can't possibly spend the energy worrying about what other people are doing. If people want to be married- GREAT! Higher tax brackets- so it actually would benefit because married couples usually will pay a little more in taxes. But seriously, who gives a flying.....spoon...who marries who. The fundamental religious....where do I begin? They are at the bottom of this prop. They feel that it is against God for a man to marry a man, or woman to marry a woman. Okay, so by their estimation polygamy is okay, so long as the man has several WIVES, not a husband? Oh, and according to some of the religious right little girls are to sign oaths that they will remain a virgin of ALL PHYSICAL CONTACT until they are married to a man. WHAT? So when these little girls finally meet a man, they aren't allowed ANY contact (no hand holding, no kissing, no hugging, no nothing) until they are on the alter. So, sex is bad and frowned upon....UNTIL you get married. Then it is okay. And so long as it is with a person of the opposite sex. Don't we as a culture have bigger fish to fry that who someone wants to marry? If both parties are consenting, law abiding adults, who cares....go for it! We should be focusing on the economic crisis, how kids are supposed to pay for college, the fact that we have been fighting a drug war for 30 years and HAVE MADE NO HEADWAY. Don't you think that things like quality of education and prison overcrowding is a bit more pertinent to the masses than gay marriage? If we could get as many people out in the streets about economic reform, education reform, or other pertinent issues then perhaps we could fix things that are REALLY wrong with our nation, not something that doesn't effect everyone, like gay marriage. And then...the whole school thing. What a crock. Does anyone EVER remember being taught about marriage in school? I sure don't. I am a product of public schools and I don't recall ever having a lesson that marriage is between a man and a woman. So, why would they teach marriage can now be between a man and a man? And if they did, who cares! Homosexuals are not created, they don't make a choice, they are born that way. People who say that one can choose not to be gay is stupid. That's like saying that people during the slave trade were choosing to be slaves. Why would anyone chose to be gay when there is so much ACCEPTED hatred of gays? Saying that being gay is a choice is one of the most stupid things I have ever heard. So, apparently people feel that gays chose to be that way, and they should work hard to not be that way. WHAT? People are who they are, and they should be accepted and allowed the same rights that everyone else has. I swear, the ban on gay marriage is so short sided. In 100 years people will look back to this time the same way that we look back to the times when the government counted black people as only 2/3 of a person. Our grandchildren will think us ignorant and mean, the same way we view the segregationists of the 40's and 50's as short sided and close minded. It's embarrassing.
Prop 8. Seriously, fellow Californian's, we passed prop 8? Holy schnikeys. For those of you not aware- in a nut shell Proposition 8 bans same sex marriage. And it passed.....seems a little strange that the most liberal state in the union, often referred to as The People's Republic of California, won't allow for same sex marriage. Seriously, who gives a hoot who marries who, right? The first problem is this whole religious right. I thought there would be more of them in Colorado-- I guess I was wrong. It turns out there are a lot of people against same sex marriage. I say if people want to get married we should let them- that simple. For me, it really is more than just the idea of marriage. I think of it in legal terms. For example, there could be some horrific circumstances where one person of a gay couple is injured or killed in an accident. As a legally recognized next of kin, like a husband, the next of kin would make the decisions. Yet, we, as Californians, have decided that we don't want that status to be granted to gay couples. What a bunch of horse shit! I am thoroughly disappointed in my fellow Angelinos for letting this thing pass. I mean, if two men or two women have dedicated themselves to their relationship and they want to reach that legal status, who the hell am I to tell them no. I mean, I have enough troubles in my own life that I can't possibly spend the energy worrying about what other people are doing. If people want to be married- GREAT! Higher tax brackets- so it actually would benefit because married couples usually will pay a little more in taxes. But seriously, who gives a flying.....spoon...who marries who. The fundamental religious....where do I begin? They are at the bottom of this prop. They feel that it is against God for a man to marry a man, or woman to marry a woman. Okay, so by their estimation polygamy is okay, so long as the man has several WIVES, not a husband? Oh, and according to some of the religious right little girls are to sign oaths that they will remain a virgin of ALL PHYSICAL CONTACT until they are married to a man. WHAT? So when these little girls finally meet a man, they aren't allowed ANY contact (no hand holding, no kissing, no hugging, no nothing) until they are on the alter. So, sex is bad and frowned upon....UNTIL you get married. Then it is okay. And so long as it is with a person of the opposite sex. Don't we as a culture have bigger fish to fry that who someone wants to marry? If both parties are consenting, law abiding adults, who cares....go for it! We should be focusing on the economic crisis, how kids are supposed to pay for college, the fact that we have been fighting a drug war for 30 years and HAVE MADE NO HEADWAY. Don't you think that things like quality of education and prison overcrowding is a bit more pertinent to the masses than gay marriage? If we could get as many people out in the streets about economic reform, education reform, or other pertinent issues then perhaps we could fix things that are REALLY wrong with our nation, not something that doesn't effect everyone, like gay marriage. And then...the whole school thing. What a crock. Does anyone EVER remember being taught about marriage in school? I sure don't. I am a product of public schools and I don't recall ever having a lesson that marriage is between a man and a woman. So, why would they teach marriage can now be between a man and a man? And if they did, who cares! Homosexuals are not created, they don't make a choice, they are born that way. People who say that one can choose not to be gay is stupid. That's like saying that people during the slave trade were choosing to be slaves. Why would anyone chose to be gay when there is so much ACCEPTED hatred of gays? Saying that being gay is a choice is one of the most stupid things I have ever heard. So, apparently people feel that gays chose to be that way, and they should work hard to not be that way. WHAT? People are who they are, and they should be accepted and allowed the same rights that everyone else has. I swear, the ban on gay marriage is so short sided. In 100 years people will look back to this time the same way that we look back to the times when the government counted black people as only 2/3 of a person. Our grandchildren will think us ignorant and mean, the same way we view the segregationists of the 40's and 50's as short sided and close minded. It's embarrassing.
Monday, October 20, 2008
The magical fruit..
Only to me, could this happen.
I decided to get a massage. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So I found a reasonably priced place in Beverly Hills and in I went. First, I must say that I was nervous about the staff. I don't get my nails done anymore, not because of the price, but because I can't understand the women who do nails. I just cannot understand a very thick Asian accent behind a paper mask. Jeez- and then I feel embarrased when the 95 pound woman is asking me what color nail polish I want and I have to make her repeat the question 27 times and eventually I only get what she is saying when she leads me to the rack o'polish and points.
At any rate, I decided that I didn't want to be dealing with a communication issue while being naked in front of a stranger (call me crazy!). So, I went to a place where they had people with no accent doing the massage. GREAT. So, I get all in the buff, under the blanket and Jerry begins the rub down. All is going according to plan. But then, as I begin to relax a little more, I realize. This is not going to be good. I need to fart.
Now, normally, I would just squeeze the cheeks and perhaps do a little crop dusting with the relative comfort of knowing that it won't be heard and if it is orifactally dectable, no one can trace it to me (hence the brillance of the crop dust). But here I am, lying ass up being rubbed down by a complete stranger. Here are my choices:
1. Let her rip and apologize later.
2. Interrupt the massage to tell Jerry I must go potty
3. Hold it in, risking great personal internal injury
Christ- why do these ridiculous things always happen to me? So I decided that I was WAY too vulnerable in all of my nakedness to tell him that I needed to potty, and there was no way that I could let it rip for fear of it being loud enough that the guy in the next room would hear it. And besides, once you have committed to the fart, you can try to leak it out in the hopes of a silent one, but I have noticed that when you don't have a cushioned office chair beneath you, the air biscuits that you try to hold in tend to come out as squeakers. Now, if you think it is hard not to laugh at a normal fart, try not to laugh when it squekes out. And then, of course, because i am all in the buff, I did, for a split second, worry about the possibilities of a fart plus.
so, in the end, I was able to hold it. I wasn't ready to cross that line with Jerry. Apparently some people think that farts are gross, not funny. I, myself, will ALWAYS laugh at a fart, but I guess some people just don't phave a sense of humor. So, I spent 45 minutes of my 60 minute massage trying DESPERATELY not to fart. And thank god I didn't, because when I got into my car and let it rip, it was a window rattler, let me tell you! Ahhhhh, nothing feels quite as good as the release of gas after prolonged imprisionment.
I decided to get a massage. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So I found a reasonably priced place in Beverly Hills and in I went. First, I must say that I was nervous about the staff. I don't get my nails done anymore, not because of the price, but because I can't understand the women who do nails. I just cannot understand a very thick Asian accent behind a paper mask. Jeez- and then I feel embarrased when the 95 pound woman is asking me what color nail polish I want and I have to make her repeat the question 27 times and eventually I only get what she is saying when she leads me to the rack o'polish and points.
At any rate, I decided that I didn't want to be dealing with a communication issue while being naked in front of a stranger (call me crazy!). So, I went to a place where they had people with no accent doing the massage. GREAT. So, I get all in the buff, under the blanket and Jerry begins the rub down. All is going according to plan. But then, as I begin to relax a little more, I realize. This is not going to be good. I need to fart.
Now, normally, I would just squeeze the cheeks and perhaps do a little crop dusting with the relative comfort of knowing that it won't be heard and if it is orifactally dectable, no one can trace it to me (hence the brillance of the crop dust). But here I am, lying ass up being rubbed down by a complete stranger. Here are my choices:
1. Let her rip and apologize later.
2. Interrupt the massage to tell Jerry I must go potty
3. Hold it in, risking great personal internal injury
Christ- why do these ridiculous things always happen to me? So I decided that I was WAY too vulnerable in all of my nakedness to tell him that I needed to potty, and there was no way that I could let it rip for fear of it being loud enough that the guy in the next room would hear it. And besides, once you have committed to the fart, you can try to leak it out in the hopes of a silent one, but I have noticed that when you don't have a cushioned office chair beneath you, the air biscuits that you try to hold in tend to come out as squeakers. Now, if you think it is hard not to laugh at a normal fart, try not to laugh when it squekes out. And then, of course, because i am all in the buff, I did, for a split second, worry about the possibilities of a fart plus.
so, in the end, I was able to hold it. I wasn't ready to cross that line with Jerry. Apparently some people think that farts are gross, not funny. I, myself, will ALWAYS laugh at a fart, but I guess some people just don't phave a sense of humor. So, I spent 45 minutes of my 60 minute massage trying DESPERATELY not to fart. And thank god I didn't, because when I got into my car and let it rip, it was a window rattler, let me tell you! Ahhhhh, nothing feels quite as good as the release of gas after prolonged imprisionment.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Thstupid.......(Butthead voice)
I swear to God people should have to get a permit before they reproduce.
I think that I should run for president, what about you guys? I would make a frickin' sweet president. So- this is what I would do to make the world a better place.
People with no common sense will be killed- their bodies used for either experimentation by scientists or for medical practice. What do I mean by common sense? There are a plethora of examples that I can use.....I will get back to that later.
So, how could I make this a better place to live? First, I would change the work week to four days. Then, I would make it so that you have to get a license before you can have kids. Something like you are sterilized at birth and then it is reversed IF you qualify. Of course, the immediate next question is how does one qualify? You cannot use "ain't" in your every day vernacular. If you can't tell me the difference between there, their and they're- immediate disqualification. If you think a lot is one word--- you will not be a parent.
If you have a "breath taking" (Seinfeld reference, for those who get it) baby and don't acknowledge that it should NOT be in a beauty pagent.....uh....no! Please people, understand that your baby's gigantic head is funny, always will be, but does not equate to cute (Weston is not included in this, though his head is GI-HUGIC). You must enjoy Tommy Boy,but not Black Sheep. You must be able to quote the original Vacation (ALL OF IT, BOY). And last but not least, IF you have kids, they must know of Jimmy the cab driver, and the lounge singer (just as they know if Santa).
And yes...I am still fat...diets, as many boys, are THSTUPID
I think that I should run for president, what about you guys? I would make a frickin' sweet president. So- this is what I would do to make the world a better place.
People with no common sense will be killed- their bodies used for either experimentation by scientists or for medical practice. What do I mean by common sense? There are a plethora of examples that I can use.....I will get back to that later.
So, how could I make this a better place to live? First, I would change the work week to four days. Then, I would make it so that you have to get a license before you can have kids. Something like you are sterilized at birth and then it is reversed IF you qualify. Of course, the immediate next question is how does one qualify? You cannot use "ain't" in your every day vernacular. If you can't tell me the difference between there, their and they're- immediate disqualification. If you think a lot is one word--- you will not be a parent.
If you have a "breath taking" (Seinfeld reference, for those who get it) baby and don't acknowledge that it should NOT be in a beauty pagent.....uh....no! Please people, understand that your baby's gigantic head is funny, always will be, but does not equate to cute (Weston is not included in this, though his head is GI-HUGIC). You must enjoy Tommy Boy,but not Black Sheep. You must be able to quote the original Vacation (ALL OF IT, BOY). And last but not least, IF you have kids, they must know of Jimmy the cab driver, and the lounge singer (just as they know if Santa).
And yes...I am still fat...diets, as many boys, are THSTUPID
Monday, October 6, 2008
Really......seriously,,,,
So, only in LA could this happen? Someone sleeps in my carport...in the storage space!
OMG I heard him/her snoring this morning. CRAZINESS....
Okay, had to get that one out! Let's see, I have been up to....no good! I can't believe that I actually called my ex.....this was STUPID. I REALLY need to start dating, someone good this time! I can't even believe all this dating stupidness. I kind of think that the single life is pretty good. But then again, there is a little bit of loneliness. But, that is why I have the cat. Tallulah, she is the best cat EVER. She fetches, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I have taught her to sit on command. THAT'S RIGHT. To all the non-belivers out there, I will get it on tape and then when my techno retardation goes away I will put it on U-Tube and then......all those cat haters out there will owe me an apology!
okay- this will be a short posting, I have been too busy, but promises again of weight loss and blogging! :)
OMG I heard him/her snoring this morning. CRAZINESS....
Okay, had to get that one out! Let's see, I have been up to....no good! I can't believe that I actually called my ex.....this was STUPID. I REALLY need to start dating, someone good this time! I can't even believe all this dating stupidness. I kind of think that the single life is pretty good. But then again, there is a little bit of loneliness. But, that is why I have the cat. Tallulah, she is the best cat EVER. She fetches, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I have taught her to sit on command. THAT'S RIGHT. To all the non-belivers out there, I will get it on tape and then when my techno retardation goes away I will put it on U-Tube and then......all those cat haters out there will owe me an apology!
okay- this will be a short posting, I have been too busy, but promises again of weight loss and blogging! :)
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Still Single....still fat.....
Okay, so I didn't keep my promise of weight loss OR blogging more regularly. Sorry. still trying to get back into a routine.....yeah, that's it routine.
So, still needing to lose the weight. Wondering why is it important to be thin? Do guys really like thinner women? Wait, don't answer that, I know the answer to that. Let's talk dating....shall we. I have come to the conclusion that Henry David Thoreau (?I know that I spelled it wrong) may have been on to something when he became a hermit in the woods! Dating is for suckers, of this I am sure! See, I consider myself a decent catch. Okay, so I am about 40 pounds overweight, but other than that I am pretty cool. I have a great sense of humor, (and no, it's not a defense mechanism, well at least not all of the time), I am reasonably smart (at least I don't have to count on my fingers, most of the time); I am generous, honest, blah blah blah....
Yet, I am still single. Oh sure, I can get a date-- but only with really weird people. I seem to have a beacon on my forehead that attracts the unemployed, the mean people, the losers....sheesh. What the hell am I doing wrong? Do you think that there is a pheromone that I put out? Maybe I should change soaps? I mean, I joined Eharmony with the hopes that I would meet SOMEONE.....ANYONE! Well, let's talk about that history- eh?
The last guy I dated actually had me pay for the second date. Now, I don't mind paying every once in a while, I'm progressive. But really, the second date? Christ, did all chivalry die because I am over 30 and overweight? I guess that means that I am doomed to be killed by terrorists (that is a reference to When Harry met Sally)....where is my Harry? Oh well....I guess it will just be me and the cat!
Don't get me wrong, I am not all that upset about the prospects of living alone. I have sole possession of the remote control, the temperature of the house is at my discretion, I can clean or not clean at any time I wish. And let me tell you, in the RARE chance that I should meet someone and get married (I know, I know, but I did stress the word RARE) I am pretty sure that I will keep my own bed, perhaps even my own bedroom. Would that be wrong?
So, still needing to lose the weight. Wondering why is it important to be thin? Do guys really like thinner women? Wait, don't answer that, I know the answer to that. Let's talk dating....shall we. I have come to the conclusion that Henry David Thoreau (?I know that I spelled it wrong) may have been on to something when he became a hermit in the woods! Dating is for suckers, of this I am sure! See, I consider myself a decent catch. Okay, so I am about 40 pounds overweight, but other than that I am pretty cool. I have a great sense of humor, (and no, it's not a defense mechanism, well at least not all of the time), I am reasonably smart (at least I don't have to count on my fingers, most of the time); I am generous, honest, blah blah blah....
Yet, I am still single. Oh sure, I can get a date-- but only with really weird people. I seem to have a beacon on my forehead that attracts the unemployed, the mean people, the losers....sheesh. What the hell am I doing wrong? Do you think that there is a pheromone that I put out? Maybe I should change soaps? I mean, I joined Eharmony with the hopes that I would meet SOMEONE.....ANYONE! Well, let's talk about that history- eh?
The last guy I dated actually had me pay for the second date. Now, I don't mind paying every once in a while, I'm progressive. But really, the second date? Christ, did all chivalry die because I am over 30 and overweight? I guess that means that I am doomed to be killed by terrorists (that is a reference to When Harry met Sally)....where is my Harry? Oh well....I guess it will just be me and the cat!
Don't get me wrong, I am not all that upset about the prospects of living alone. I have sole possession of the remote control, the temperature of the house is at my discretion, I can clean or not clean at any time I wish. And let me tell you, in the RARE chance that I should meet someone and get married (I know, I know, but I did stress the word RARE) I am pretty sure that I will keep my own bed, perhaps even my own bedroom. Would that be wrong?
Monday, September 15, 2008
Seriously, no excuses
Well-- what can I say? I've been busy! I went from doing nothing for two whole months to working full time, school, traveling back home for a memorial service....Sheesh....
I apologize to my loyal fans out there---- though the two of you probably haven't noticed that I haven't written much lately.....uhhhhh...yeah...let's just say that Allison sent me a link to an on-line store with 80's tee shirts---
All I can say is come Christmas, I am buying myself the shirt that says:
Good Morning TurdBrain!
I apologize to my loyal fans out there---- though the two of you probably haven't noticed that I haven't written much lately.....uhhhhh...yeah...let's just say that Allison sent me a link to an on-line store with 80's tee shirts---
All I can say is come Christmas, I am buying myself the shirt that says:
Good Morning TurdBrain!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Whoo-Hoo
Well, I have FINALLY landed a new job- which I begin in a week. This will be interesting......a new job. I guess I will be staying in LA after all (and yes, there was a question about that for a while!) I have one week left before going to work, so I am going to strive to enjoy this last week. Now that I know I will have an income, I will feel freer to enjoy California while I wait to return to the salt mines.
What should I do? I am thinking of a drive up the coast- with no particular destination- just drive until....??? That could be cool.....maybe some time at the beach. But don't worry, I won't be like laying in the sun or swimming or anything like that--- the unemployment has not done any favors for my figure. I look like I am 6 months pregnant! Oh well- time to lose the belly. I guess I could tell everyone that it is baby weight---- except that I don't have a baby. Hmmmm.....the thing I hate most about gaining weight, and believe me, I have a lot of experience, is having to buy new fat clothes. They tell you to get rid of the fat clothes once you lose the weight, so I always do, and then I inevitably gain the weight back.
Well, for now I suppose that I will now be employed, but as a result of the above mentioned weight gain I will be single for a while longer! :)
What should I do? I am thinking of a drive up the coast- with no particular destination- just drive until....??? That could be cool.....maybe some time at the beach. But don't worry, I won't be like laying in the sun or swimming or anything like that--- the unemployment has not done any favors for my figure. I look like I am 6 months pregnant! Oh well- time to lose the belly. I guess I could tell everyone that it is baby weight---- except that I don't have a baby. Hmmmm.....the thing I hate most about gaining weight, and believe me, I have a lot of experience, is having to buy new fat clothes. They tell you to get rid of the fat clothes once you lose the weight, so I always do, and then I inevitably gain the weight back.
Well, for now I suppose that I will now be employed, but as a result of the above mentioned weight gain I will be single for a while longer! :)
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Worst interviews ever.,,,,
As I venture into the world of needing to find a job, I have put a lot of time into thinking about the interview process. I would like to share these thoughts with you.
Usually you are asked something along the lines of "what brings you here"...... This is one of the stupidest questions ever. I need a job, dillhole. I have often wanted to say something like "for fun" or "on a dare".
Then comes the most ambiguous question-- demand really--the "tell me about yourself." How personal is appropriate on this one. I mean, there is a lot that someone might want to know about me, especially if sharing a small office space with me. For instance, I am slightly lactose intolerant. If I have a milk shake or a bowl of cereal, I pity the person who shares my cubicle. I probably should say those things, but it's a good piece of information. I would like to know if the person who will share my workspace is occasionally flatulent. What else can I tell someone about myself--- something like I have a really long tongue (I can touch my nose); or that I have the smallest fingernails EVER. Maybe that I am illogically scared of bees and other insects that can bite or sting me. Also, I don't like birds....they freak me out. Snakes....no good. On the other hand, I am an animal lover. Go figure, eh?
Should I tell the interviewers that when I was 12 Bon Jovi ruled the universe and EVERY available space on the wall had a Bon Jovi picture on it? (I'll bet that was a bitch for my parents to fill in all those holes when they painted my room when we moved....oh, yeah....sorry about that). I am thinking that I probably shouldn't tell the interviewers that one of the best gifts I have ever received was a home made Beavis doll. That was AWESOME. Should I tell them that I can guess EVERY surprise? Black licorice makes me gag (except in Jaeger form...then I can drink all night!!). Should I mention that my second toe is like 1/2 inch longer than my big toe? I probably should mention to them that I have occasional outbreaks of adult acne (DAMMIT).
I think you tubes videos where people get hurt are funny. I think vidoes where birds poop in people's mouths is even better. I can tell the most inappropriate jokes ever......I just have a brain that works that way sometimes. Sometimes I pretend I can't hear you, when really I am just ignoring you. That is something that I should likely leave out of the interview process, eh?
And what's up with the "what is your dream job" or "what would you be doing if you could be doing anything in the world?" What is this fart knocker trying to learn about me from that dumbass question. I mean, really..... I know that the answer is "Oh, I'd like a secure job working for you where I can contribute and the company can take advantage of the plethora of innovative ideas that I have to offer....." (I want to punch myself when I say this). The true answer-- much better. What is my dream job??? Kicking your ass for a living, and getting paid...six figures ,douche bag!
I wonder why I am still unemployed?????
Usually you are asked something along the lines of "what brings you here"...... This is one of the stupidest questions ever. I need a job, dillhole. I have often wanted to say something like "for fun" or "on a dare".
Then comes the most ambiguous question-- demand really--the "tell me about yourself." How personal is appropriate on this one. I mean, there is a lot that someone might want to know about me, especially if sharing a small office space with me. For instance, I am slightly lactose intolerant. If I have a milk shake or a bowl of cereal, I pity the person who shares my cubicle. I probably should say those things, but it's a good piece of information. I would like to know if the person who will share my workspace is occasionally flatulent. What else can I tell someone about myself--- something like I have a really long tongue (I can touch my nose); or that I have the smallest fingernails EVER. Maybe that I am illogically scared of bees and other insects that can bite or sting me. Also, I don't like birds....they freak me out. Snakes....no good. On the other hand, I am an animal lover. Go figure, eh?
Should I tell the interviewers that when I was 12 Bon Jovi ruled the universe and EVERY available space on the wall had a Bon Jovi picture on it? (I'll bet that was a bitch for my parents to fill in all those holes when they painted my room when we moved....oh, yeah....sorry about that). I am thinking that I probably shouldn't tell the interviewers that one of the best gifts I have ever received was a home made Beavis doll. That was AWESOME. Should I tell them that I can guess EVERY surprise? Black licorice makes me gag (except in Jaeger form...then I can drink all night!!). Should I mention that my second toe is like 1/2 inch longer than my big toe? I probably should mention to them that I have occasional outbreaks of adult acne (DAMMIT).
I think you tubes videos where people get hurt are funny. I think vidoes where birds poop in people's mouths is even better. I can tell the most inappropriate jokes ever......I just have a brain that works that way sometimes. Sometimes I pretend I can't hear you, when really I am just ignoring you. That is something that I should likely leave out of the interview process, eh?
And what's up with the "what is your dream job" or "what would you be doing if you could be doing anything in the world?" What is this fart knocker trying to learn about me from that dumbass question. I mean, really..... I know that the answer is "Oh, I'd like a secure job working for you where I can contribute and the company can take advantage of the plethora of innovative ideas that I have to offer....." (I want to punch myself when I say this). The true answer-- much better. What is my dream job??? Kicking your ass for a living, and getting paid...six figures ,douche bag!
I wonder why I am still unemployed?????
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
For whom the rules don't apply....
Has anyone ever noticed that there is an ever increasing population of people for whom the rules don't apply?
Let me give you an example. When I went to traffic school I learned that a solid double yellow line meant that you can't cross it. Apparently, this is not the case, for some people. They cross those lines like they are going out of business!!!! And without even the common courtesy of a blinker.....
And then there are the people who create their own lanes. Last I checked the bike lane was meant for BIKES-- not for cars to squeeze into when they need to gain that precious 5 seconds when turning right. Then again, there are the ass clowns (why should I change my name? He's the one that sucks) that decide they would like to turn left FROM THE CENTER LANE. These people should be killed- INSTANTLY!
Do people who don't pay their registration irritate anyone as much as me? (Sorry, Allison, it has to be said!) I hate pulling up behind someone and seeing 2007 on their tags.... UGH!
Yesterday there was a woman at the grocery store who couldn't count. She was in the ten items or less lane-- clearly with about 500 items. The line is a cash only line- with the theory being that the line will be fast for those of us who were buying a jug of milk. So after the cowardly checker rings her up (I would have told her that she didn't qualify to be in that line) the woman begins to haggle with her over a dented can of peached. Are you shitting me? Not only are you going to break the rules but you want a discount because your dumb ass picked out a dented can? REALLY? So then the manager has to come over and tell her that he will not give her a quarter off the can of peaches ( I, on the other hand, as a manager, would have thrown the can of peaches at her head) and then has to turn the key to have the can of peaches removed from her bill (why you need a manager to take of a can of peaches, I am still not sure). Then that stupid woman pulls out a credit card.....never before have I imagined slicing someone's throat with that effing credit card....
Why do some people just not understand the social contract? I mean, lanes on a road are made for a reason, all cars that I know of are equipped with a turn signal (TO BE USED), and people should have to pay for the grapes they eat in the grocery store, right?
Is it just me?
Let me give you an example. When I went to traffic school I learned that a solid double yellow line meant that you can't cross it. Apparently, this is not the case, for some people. They cross those lines like they are going out of business!!!! And without even the common courtesy of a blinker.....
And then there are the people who create their own lanes. Last I checked the bike lane was meant for BIKES-- not for cars to squeeze into when they need to gain that precious 5 seconds when turning right. Then again, there are the ass clowns (why should I change my name? He's the one that sucks) that decide they would like to turn left FROM THE CENTER LANE. These people should be killed- INSTANTLY!
Do people who don't pay their registration irritate anyone as much as me? (Sorry, Allison, it has to be said!) I hate pulling up behind someone and seeing 2007 on their tags.... UGH!
Yesterday there was a woman at the grocery store who couldn't count. She was in the ten items or less lane-- clearly with about 500 items. The line is a cash only line- with the theory being that the line will be fast for those of us who were buying a jug of milk. So after the cowardly checker rings her up (I would have told her that she didn't qualify to be in that line) the woman begins to haggle with her over a dented can of peached. Are you shitting me? Not only are you going to break the rules but you want a discount because your dumb ass picked out a dented can? REALLY? So then the manager has to come over and tell her that he will not give her a quarter off the can of peaches ( I, on the other hand, as a manager, would have thrown the can of peaches at her head) and then has to turn the key to have the can of peaches removed from her bill (why you need a manager to take of a can of peaches, I am still not sure). Then that stupid woman pulls out a credit card.....never before have I imagined slicing someone's throat with that effing credit card....
Why do some people just not understand the social contract? I mean, lanes on a road are made for a reason, all cars that I know of are equipped with a turn signal (TO BE USED), and people should have to pay for the grapes they eat in the grocery store, right?
Is it just me?
Monday, August 11, 2008
This will be the best movie ever made
OMG-- Goonies 2????? WTF???? This is going to be great!!! I can hardly wait! My BFF told me about this little gem.....WOW! They are getting the original cast together (this is not a joke--- can you imagine the original Data?)......
This got me to thinking, what other movies should there be sequels to?
Let's think for a moment.....
I am seeing a Weird Science 2....Gary and Wyatt are back....as geeky old men who create a woman and have to shower with her!
I am having visions of Seventeen Candles.....RIGHT? That would be great-- I wonder what Jake is up to these days?
Maybe a Lunch Club......that could be cool- with Claire and Bender meeting up again at the class reunion? OMG that would be great.....
They make SO many stupid movies these days.....they should just get back to the great classics!
This got me to thinking, what other movies should there be sequels to?
Let's think for a moment.....
I am seeing a Weird Science 2....Gary and Wyatt are back....as geeky old men who create a woman and have to shower with her!
I am having visions of Seventeen Candles.....RIGHT? That would be great-- I wonder what Jake is up to these days?
Maybe a Lunch Club......that could be cool- with Claire and Bender meeting up again at the class reunion? OMG that would be great.....
They make SO many stupid movies these days.....they should just get back to the great classics!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Low riders? REALLY?
I had the rare opportunity to drive on our fine Los Angeles freeways today. And I would like to take this chance to share some observations with you.
Why is there always one shoe on the freeway? How do you lose a shoe? I am not sure how this happens. Do people stick their feet out of the window and lose a shoe? Or are there a lot of one-legged people running around out there with no need for the other shoe so they throw them out of the car window????
Also, I noticed lots of rolls of carpet and other flooring material on the freeway. There was carpet pad, a box of tile, old carpet.....what is that all about? I mean, how can you LOSE A ROLL OF CARPET? They're kind of big? I mean, what would happen if you were driving down the road and a roll of carpet was barreling down the road towards you? HOLY SHIT that would be not good!
Mini vans....no matter what....are not cool. I see these mini vans (specifically Chevy Astrovans and GMC Safaris) with lowered wheels that stick out and like $1000 rims that continue to move when the car is stopped. Uhhhhh......maybe someone should tell these people that expensive pimped out rims aren't going to divert the eyes from the different colored door and the missing head light. No matter how many gold accents are put on the car, I still know that it is a piece of shit....the huge crack in the windshield tells me that. Is there anywhere that car is cool? Seriously....when you turn your car on and there is a blue puff of smoke that comes out of the tailpipe (which is holding on with a wire hanger, BTW) perhaps investing a little money in the running of your car instead of a gold plated marijuana leaf or electric blue undercarriage lighting, eh?
And, here's a question for the brainiacs......so Los Angeles just passed a law that you can only talk on your cell phone in the car if you have a hands free kit. Fair enough, we want you to pay attention to the road and not be fumbling with the phone. So, how do the signs that read "Dial 911 to report accidents" and "remove accidents from road (DUH)" supposed to work out for us? And the personalized license plates and dumb ass bumper stickers??? While I am busy trying to figure out how to work the damn head set and decipher the license plate in front of me, I may crash all the same.....RIGHT? I say, you can't do anything in the car but drive, and maybe the occasional fast food frenzy would be okay.......
Why is there always one shoe on the freeway? How do you lose a shoe? I am not sure how this happens. Do people stick their feet out of the window and lose a shoe? Or are there a lot of one-legged people running around out there with no need for the other shoe so they throw them out of the car window????
Also, I noticed lots of rolls of carpet and other flooring material on the freeway. There was carpet pad, a box of tile, old carpet.....what is that all about? I mean, how can you LOSE A ROLL OF CARPET? They're kind of big? I mean, what would happen if you were driving down the road and a roll of carpet was barreling down the road towards you? HOLY SHIT that would be not good!
Mini vans....no matter what....are not cool. I see these mini vans (specifically Chevy Astrovans and GMC Safaris) with lowered wheels that stick out and like $1000 rims that continue to move when the car is stopped. Uhhhhh......maybe someone should tell these people that expensive pimped out rims aren't going to divert the eyes from the different colored door and the missing head light. No matter how many gold accents are put on the car, I still know that it is a piece of shit....the huge crack in the windshield tells me that. Is there anywhere that car is cool? Seriously....when you turn your car on and there is a blue puff of smoke that comes out of the tailpipe (which is holding on with a wire hanger, BTW) perhaps investing a little money in the running of your car instead of a gold plated marijuana leaf or electric blue undercarriage lighting, eh?
And, here's a question for the brainiacs......so Los Angeles just passed a law that you can only talk on your cell phone in the car if you have a hands free kit. Fair enough, we want you to pay attention to the road and not be fumbling with the phone. So, how do the signs that read "Dial 911 to report accidents" and "remove accidents from road (DUH)" supposed to work out for us? And the personalized license plates and dumb ass bumper stickers??? While I am busy trying to figure out how to work the damn head set and decipher the license plate in front of me, I may crash all the same.....RIGHT? I say, you can't do anything in the car but drive, and maybe the occasional fast food frenzy would be okay.......
Smarter than the average bear, eh?
Ok........not from the brat pack era......but it's kinda easy anyhow.....
"Awwwww.....that sounds good; melted chocolate inside the dash....that really ups the resale."
"I think you're going to be okay here, they have a thin candy shell on them. Surprised you didn't know that."
"Your brain has a thick candy shell on it."
"You...your...brain has the shell on it"
"Are you talking?"
"Shut up, Richard"
OR, if you want a bigger challenge........
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Well, I kinda want to be a writer."
"Dad, I can't see too good, is that Will Shakespear over there?"
"Actually, we try to encourage Brian in his writing."
"Well, LA-DE-FRICKIN-DA"
"Awwwww.....that sounds good; melted chocolate inside the dash....that really ups the resale."
"I think you're going to be okay here, they have a thin candy shell on them. Surprised you didn't know that."
"Your brain has a thick candy shell on it."
"You...your...brain has the shell on it"
"Are you talking?"
"Shut up, Richard"
OR, if you want a bigger challenge........
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Well, I kinda want to be a writer."
"Dad, I can't see too good, is that Will Shakespear over there?"
"Actually, we try to encourage Brian in his writing."
"Well, LA-DE-FRICKIN-DA"
Friday, August 8, 2008
Dead ant...Dead ant...Dead ant dead ant dead ant
Am I the only one who wonders about that one ant that finds it's way past the ba-zillion ant traps and through the poison barrier I created between my house and the outside world? I was taking a shower this morning (boys, don't get too excited!) and there was a random ant on the wall. Of course I killed it. I drowned it, and it was cool.
But then I wondered, what was that ant thinking about? I must seem like a giant white (not caucasian, but WHITE-- those of you who know me will understand this) Godzilla. This must be frightening to the little ant that somehow got into my house....ALONE. I decided that I had to put down about 10 ant traps after a recent infestation of the little bastards. They made a solid line from my back door to the cat food bowl. Let me tell you, Lula wasn't happy about the ants in her food and water. After she hissed at them she ran away and hid under the bed. What can I say, she is an urban cat. She wouldn't know what to do with a real mouse if she ever saw it. She hisses at everything....including her barf...but I digress.
So I wondered about this little ant. Was he freaked out because he was on the wall of my shower watching this behemoth lathering up her hair (again, boys, don't get too excited). I must have scared the shit out of him. Then when I threw the handful of water on him (it's raining!!) and he fell from the wall into the drain. That must have been horrific. But then again, he shouldn't have been in my shower....the little perv!!!
"What's the dirtiest thing ever said on television?"
But then I wondered, what was that ant thinking about? I must seem like a giant white (not caucasian, but WHITE-- those of you who know me will understand this) Godzilla. This must be frightening to the little ant that somehow got into my house....ALONE. I decided that I had to put down about 10 ant traps after a recent infestation of the little bastards. They made a solid line from my back door to the cat food bowl. Let me tell you, Lula wasn't happy about the ants in her food and water. After she hissed at them she ran away and hid under the bed. What can I say, she is an urban cat. She wouldn't know what to do with a real mouse if she ever saw it. She hisses at everything....including her barf...but I digress.
So I wondered about this little ant. Was he freaked out because he was on the wall of my shower watching this behemoth lathering up her hair (again, boys, don't get too excited). I must have scared the shit out of him. Then when I threw the handful of water on him (it's raining!!) and he fell from the wall into the drain. That must have been horrific. But then again, he shouldn't have been in my shower....the little perv!!!
"What's the dirtiest thing ever said on television?"
Another quote....
Allison- this one will be easy for you.....
"If you get the chance....shower with them. I did. It's a mind scrambler."
"If you get the chance....shower with them. I did. It's a mind scrambler."
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Reasons that I am AWESOME....
So, a friend of mine recently said that I am too self deprecating (thanks for the giftie Jon, I will enjoy!!!!)...so here is a list of why I am awesome and people should strive to be more like me!!!
1. I can prolly recite the entire original "Vacation" from beginning to end without many errors-- from memory!
2. I have the best of both worlds, a cat who thinks she is a dog (those of you who have met her can verify that)-- she fetches AND goes on a leash. SHE IS GREAT!
3. I have a problem with adult acne. This is cool because I am admitting it. Wasn't it enough that I dealt with it as a kid??? Apparently not!
4. I did not like Lance. I liked Lance.
5. I am pretty sure that I can eat my own weight in Peanut M&M's (and it would not be a barf-o-rama)
6. I am about to get a new job.
7. I think that every job should have a mad lib break (mad libs to be provided by employer)
8. I LOVE living alone.....this is the best thing ever-- I sleep on my couch, sometimes in the middle of the bed.....this is the greatest thing since Kraft Macaroni and Cheese....and Crown (a surprisingly good mix)
9. My cat, Miss Tallulah Bankhead, has health insurance. I do not.
10. I think farts are funny. Pull my finger is the best joke EVER. Would it be appropriate to have "I promise to always pull your finger" as part of my wedding vows?????
1. I can prolly recite the entire original "Vacation" from beginning to end without many errors-- from memory!
2. I have the best of both worlds, a cat who thinks she is a dog (those of you who have met her can verify that)-- she fetches AND goes on a leash. SHE IS GREAT!
3. I have a problem with adult acne. This is cool because I am admitting it. Wasn't it enough that I dealt with it as a kid??? Apparently not!
4. I did not like Lance. I liked Lance.
5. I am pretty sure that I can eat my own weight in Peanut M&M's (and it would not be a barf-o-rama)
6. I am about to get a new job.
7. I think that every job should have a mad lib break (mad libs to be provided by employer)
8. I LOVE living alone.....this is the best thing ever-- I sleep on my couch, sometimes in the middle of the bed.....this is the greatest thing since Kraft Macaroni and Cheese....and Crown (a surprisingly good mix)
9. My cat, Miss Tallulah Bankhead, has health insurance. I do not.
10. I think farts are funny. Pull my finger is the best joke EVER. Would it be appropriate to have "I promise to always pull your finger" as part of my wedding vows?????
Oh so that's how it is??????
Here's a bit more of a challenge.......
"Chris, I need to see more of you in the lab"
"Okay, I'll gain weight."
Name that one buddy!!!
"Chris, I need to see more of you in the lab"
"Okay, I'll gain weight."
Name that one buddy!!!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
The challenge is answered.....
Well, apparently my last quote challenge wasn't that hard....so...let's see who gets this one....... (again, this is from memory.....)
"I really do have a test today, that wasn't bullshit. It's on European Socialism. Really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't ever plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists and it still doesn't change the fact that I don't have a car.....Not that I condone fascism, or any 'ism' for that matter. 'Ism's' and my opinion are not good. I quote John Lennon....'I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me'. Hmmm, good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus....but I would still have to bum rides off of people."
Answer that....geniuses!!!!
"I really do have a test today, that wasn't bullshit. It's on European Socialism. Really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't ever plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists and it still doesn't change the fact that I don't have a car.....Not that I condone fascism, or any 'ism' for that matter. 'Ism's' and my opinion are not good. I quote John Lennon....'I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me'. Hmmm, good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus....but I would still have to bum rides off of people."
Answer that....geniuses!!!!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Name that movie: (this is from memory......)
"I don't know Clark, what do you think?"
Screech....halting car noise
"You know what I think? I think you are all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. A quest for fun. You're gonna have fun and I'm gonna have fun. We're all going to have so much fucking fun you're going to need a plastic surgeon to remove your god damn smiles. You're going to be whistling zippity doo-dah out of your assholes. I've got to be crazy...I'm on a mission to see a moose. PRAISE MARTY MOOSE....Holy shit"
"Dad, do you need an asprin?"
"Don't touch!"
-**** WOW-- I am my own hero.....I did that from memory. Let's see who's cool enough to name that movie.....it's a gem!!!!
Screech....halting car noise
"You know what I think? I think you are all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. A quest for fun. You're gonna have fun and I'm gonna have fun. We're all going to have so much fucking fun you're going to need a plastic surgeon to remove your god damn smiles. You're going to be whistling zippity doo-dah out of your assholes. I've got to be crazy...I'm on a mission to see a moose. PRAISE MARTY MOOSE....Holy shit"
"Dad, do you need an asprin?"
"Don't touch!"
-**** WOW-- I am my own hero.....I did that from memory. Let's see who's cool enough to name that movie.....it's a gem!!!!
I interrupt you for this commercial break.....
Do certain commercials drive any one else to the brink of insanity? There are a few commercials out there that actually anger me. Let's make a list, shall we?? (Since I am a list maker!!)
1. The Welches White Grape Juice Commercial.
1. The Welches White Grape Juice Commercial.
- The little blonde girl in that commercial should be throttled. Never before have I wanted to punch someone in the throat as much as that little girl. AHHHHHHH.....even thinking about her makes me mad....
- This is the one with the split screen with the orange vonage lady on the right side and "those other guys" on the left side of the screen. What is wrong with that lady? Were her parents brother and sister? Did she eat a lot of paint chips as a child? Check out her eyebrows....she is not natural...nothing about her was formed in nature.
- This clever little ditty has a bunch of "football" player types cooking brats and hot dogs while doing a cheer..."I say Hillshire you say farms...." The reason that this one angers me is because fat men are allowed on TV, but certainly not fat women....hmmmm...I think that this is a bit of discrimination
Monday, August 4, 2008
I'm seeing stars....
I think that the most common question that I am asked when people learn that I live in Hollywood is "So, do you see any stars?" This is a fun question for me to answer because I can test people to see how cool they really are!
See, you can only live in LA for so long before you are bound to run into someone that you have seen on TV. The first person I saw was Danny Bonaducci (sp??) at the local Target. Come to think of it, I have seen a lot of people at Target. That is because Target is HEAVEN ON EARTH. I am pretty sure that I could die in a Target and be happy. Wait, heaven is when Target is empty (which never happens in WeHo) I would be in heaven. Can you even imagine walking down the aisles of a fully stocked Target with no bastard little kids screaming and no retarded people pushing their carts into your heels???? OMG, my pulse is speeding just thinking about it!
Okay, I am calming down now!!! Anyhow, I have seen a couple of stars....you know, Marcia Cross, Billy Dee Williams, Reese Witherspoon. These are all not as exciting as the two I am about to tell you about. The first of the exciting stars comes to us from The Goonies. Remember that movie? That was a great movie (including one of the Two Corey's-- see previous blog). Remember the hispanic maid that the mom hires in the beginning? At the end she is the one who finds the jewels in Mikey's marble bag and screams "no pen-e-men" (my hooked on phonics version of what she shouts out!).....you all know who I am talking about, right? Well, I saw her having a cocktail at the Pig in the Whistle...... that was cool.
The next one....WOW. I saw LONG DUCK DONG! Can you even believe that he was waking around on the Santa Monica Pier completely unmolested? I figured that he would be hounded by paparazzi and people banging gongs!!! It was all I could do to not scream out "Oh Sexy Girl-Friend....." I was so excited I had to immediately call my best friend. It was the greatest moment of my entire life. And people who agree with me....ARE COOL!
See, you can only live in LA for so long before you are bound to run into someone that you have seen on TV. The first person I saw was Danny Bonaducci (sp??) at the local Target. Come to think of it, I have seen a lot of people at Target. That is because Target is HEAVEN ON EARTH. I am pretty sure that I could die in a Target and be happy. Wait, heaven is when Target is empty (which never happens in WeHo) I would be in heaven. Can you even imagine walking down the aisles of a fully stocked Target with no bastard little kids screaming and no retarded people pushing their carts into your heels???? OMG, my pulse is speeding just thinking about it!
Okay, I am calming down now!!! Anyhow, I have seen a couple of stars....you know, Marcia Cross, Billy Dee Williams, Reese Witherspoon. These are all not as exciting as the two I am about to tell you about. The first of the exciting stars comes to us from The Goonies. Remember that movie? That was a great movie (including one of the Two Corey's-- see previous blog). Remember the hispanic maid that the mom hires in the beginning? At the end she is the one who finds the jewels in Mikey's marble bag and screams "no pen-e-men" (my hooked on phonics version of what she shouts out!).....you all know who I am talking about, right? Well, I saw her having a cocktail at the Pig in the Whistle...... that was cool.
The next one....WOW. I saw LONG DUCK DONG! Can you even believe that he was waking around on the Santa Monica Pier completely unmolested? I figured that he would be hounded by paparazzi and people banging gongs!!! It was all I could do to not scream out "Oh Sexy Girl-Friend....." I was so excited I had to immediately call my best friend. It was the greatest moment of my entire life. And people who agree with me....ARE COOL!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Reasons that I am retarded.....
I am retarded, as evidenced in the title. I have found out a few things while on this trip to Denver that I would like to share with you. This is why I am retarded (or cool, depending on how you look at this).
1. After I turned 30, I have noticed more and more whiskers on my face. Now, these are not the little invisible blonde hairs, but these are the thick, black wiry whiskers that pop up on my neck, cheeks, and chins. Anyone else have this issue? I have been spending more and more time with my tweezers than I ever thought I would.
2. I miss my cat as if she were a child. I have my ex boyfriend watching her while I am out here visiting her and I have called almost each day to see if she is eating and see if she misses me and to make sure that the is being taken care of.
3. This one should be obvious by #2. I am retarded because I had my EX watch my cat. Now he thinks this is another way back in.....backfire! Abort Abort! I hoped that we could be friends, but as I am finding out I have a very special talent of being able to attract only men who cannot let go when the relationship is over.
4. I spent 4 hours tonight at my BFF's house going through notes that she saved since the beginning of time. WOW. So much fun to read all of those notes, but they really all consisted of someone wondering why Christine (me) is mad, or if someone is mad at Christine, or why Christine only has bad things to say. And here, for all these years, I thought I wasn't popular with my friends.....who knew that they obsesses over whether or not I was mad at them all of the time!
5. I am retarded because I came out to Colorado during the worst heat wave in at least a decade, and I didn't bring a single pair of shorts!
6. Retardation has caused me not to utilize the time off of work by exercising and trying to fit into any of my shorts!!!
I am sure that there are many other reasons that I am retarded---but these hit the major points as I have come to understand on this trip to denver.
Right now I am watching the Two Corey's on A&E.......it's like a train wreck of an addiction. This is brilliant programming and perhaps, #7 on my reasons that I am retarded- that I can not stop watching the Two Coreys. I need to know what happens!
I'm cool.
1. After I turned 30, I have noticed more and more whiskers on my face. Now, these are not the little invisible blonde hairs, but these are the thick, black wiry whiskers that pop up on my neck, cheeks, and chins. Anyone else have this issue? I have been spending more and more time with my tweezers than I ever thought I would.
2. I miss my cat as if she were a child. I have my ex boyfriend watching her while I am out here visiting her and I have called almost each day to see if she is eating and see if she misses me and to make sure that the is being taken care of.
3. This one should be obvious by #2. I am retarded because I had my EX watch my cat. Now he thinks this is another way back in.....backfire! Abort Abort! I hoped that we could be friends, but as I am finding out I have a very special talent of being able to attract only men who cannot let go when the relationship is over.
4. I spent 4 hours tonight at my BFF's house going through notes that she saved since the beginning of time. WOW. So much fun to read all of those notes, but they really all consisted of someone wondering why Christine (me) is mad, or if someone is mad at Christine, or why Christine only has bad things to say. And here, for all these years, I thought I wasn't popular with my friends.....who knew that they obsesses over whether or not I was mad at them all of the time!
5. I am retarded because I came out to Colorado during the worst heat wave in at least a decade, and I didn't bring a single pair of shorts!
6. Retardation has caused me not to utilize the time off of work by exercising and trying to fit into any of my shorts!!!
I am sure that there are many other reasons that I am retarded---but these hit the major points as I have come to understand on this trip to denver.
Right now I am watching the Two Corey's on A&E.......it's like a train wreck of an addiction. This is brilliant programming and perhaps, #7 on my reasons that I am retarded- that I can not stop watching the Two Coreys. I need to know what happens!
I'm cool.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
My apologies.....
Wow, last night I was a little drunk....and blogging. A new high for me. While the things I wrote last night may be true, there is no excuse for exposing the public to my drunken rages! And by public, I mean my three loyal followers!
So, moving right along. I have decided that in my unemployment I can do something with my life. I am going to make some records here. Not the vinyl type (for the smart asses out there); the kind where you do cool stuff longer and better than anyone else. I think that I will start with how many days can I go without wearing pants with zippers. I am a big fan of the sweat pants. I think this is a good place for me to start. I will keep you posted on how I am doing with this record. The only bummer is that I probably should really start looking for a job, so I may have to put real pants on for interviews, but other than that......this is gonna be great. I'm going to do great things with my life. It's amazing that I am still single.
So, moving right along. I have decided that in my unemployment I can do something with my life. I am going to make some records here. Not the vinyl type (for the smart asses out there); the kind where you do cool stuff longer and better than anyone else. I think that I will start with how many days can I go without wearing pants with zippers. I am a big fan of the sweat pants. I think this is a good place for me to start. I will keep you posted on how I am doing with this record. The only bummer is that I probably should really start looking for a job, so I may have to put real pants on for interviews, but other than that......this is gonna be great. I'm going to do great things with my life. It's amazing that I am still single.
Friday, August 1, 2008
So, it's not just me....
I am in Denver for the week, visiting my parents and brother, and escaping the inescapable horrors of unemployment in LA. Coming back to visit your parents when you have left their realm is very....surreal. I have come to the conclusion that all my family is crazy. And I am not talking about a little nutty in an endearing way. No sir, I am talking about padded room time with potential shock therapy to follow.
Let me be very clear. I LOVE my family. They are wonderful, generous, supportive and funny. But, they are nutz! My likes to find dead animals and freeze them for future use? She has done this since I was a kid. I remember we were driving to school or something and my mom stopped at the side of the road to retrieve a dead snake. She proceeded to skin it, in our garage, and tan the skin so that we kids could take the skin to school for show and tell. You would think we lived in Alabama or something with these little animal adventures.....but no, alas, not the deep south. Just the deep trenches of my mom's insanity! She is one of the sweetest people that you could know, she is friendly and will go out of her way to make you feel right at home; but she is a little zaney!!! She and my dad are convinced that they will never have grandkids (and with my dating record, they may very well be correct) so they have grand-dogs! They take them to the ice cream store, give them cooked dinners, and the dogs sleep in the bed with my parents! God bless 'em!!!
So here I am back here in Colorado, in the BLAZING heat, visiting with my mom's cousins from across the pond. They are a very nice family and we get along well, but I feel bad for their daughter. She is 17 or so and she may actually DIE of boredom. I can't even imagine how boring she thinks this is. When I was 17, I SO wouldn't have wanted to take a 4 week holiday with my parents to a foreign country. But, she is also painfully quiet and never talks. When she does say a word, I can't even hear it. Poor kid- in her quaintness and quiet reserve came to my house of all places--where between my loudness and the dogs, the ringing phone and the TV my dad listens to really loud (but he's not deaf....); you can hardly get a word in edgewise!!
Let me be very clear. I LOVE my family. They are wonderful, generous, supportive and funny. But, they are nutz! My likes to find dead animals and freeze them for future use? She has done this since I was a kid. I remember we were driving to school or something and my mom stopped at the side of the road to retrieve a dead snake. She proceeded to skin it, in our garage, and tan the skin so that we kids could take the skin to school for show and tell. You would think we lived in Alabama or something with these little animal adventures.....but no, alas, not the deep south. Just the deep trenches of my mom's insanity! She is one of the sweetest people that you could know, she is friendly and will go out of her way to make you feel right at home; but she is a little zaney!!! She and my dad are convinced that they will never have grandkids (and with my dating record, they may very well be correct) so they have grand-dogs! They take them to the ice cream store, give them cooked dinners, and the dogs sleep in the bed with my parents! God bless 'em!!!
So here I am back here in Colorado, in the BLAZING heat, visiting with my mom's cousins from across the pond. They are a very nice family and we get along well, but I feel bad for their daughter. She is 17 or so and she may actually DIE of boredom. I can't even imagine how boring she thinks this is. When I was 17, I SO wouldn't have wanted to take a 4 week holiday with my parents to a foreign country. But, she is also painfully quiet and never talks. When she does say a word, I can't even hear it. Poor kid- in her quaintness and quiet reserve came to my house of all places--where between my loudness and the dogs, the ringing phone and the TV my dad listens to really loud (but he's not deaf....); you can hardly get a word in edgewise!!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Turning over a new leaf.....
My good friend said my blog was funny, and since I am a low self esteemed whore for compliments, I promised that I would blog more often....
And in reading the past blogs.... SHIT, I watch a lot of tv. I an now asking for help.....who can help me break the television addicition? Keep in mind that I don't have a job, or a life, or money (see no job reference) so peeling myself away from the TV seems so.....drastic~! There has to be another way.......support groups? Something?
And in reading the past blogs.... SHIT, I watch a lot of tv. I an now asking for help.....who can help me break the television addicition? Keep in mind that I don't have a job, or a life, or money (see no job reference) so peeling myself away from the TV seems so.....drastic~! There has to be another way.......support groups? Something?
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
To my loyal followers-- all three of you....
Okay, it was pointed out to me that I have been a slacker and have not posted anything new lately. Fair enough....see...I've been really busy....with....er.....looking for a job? Yeah, looking for a job, that's the ticket!!!
Okay, I am so busted... I have been eating a lot of stuffed crust pizzas, drinking a lot of crown, and taking a lot of naps. Ahhh, the jewels of unemployment. It's really exhausting to have to fit blogging and my many other ignored chores (like cleaning the cat box, showering.....you know, it's the little things!) in between episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 and Jon and Kate Plus 8. Then you throw in a couple episodes of Tori and Dean Inn Love, Deadliest Catch, I Survived a Japanese Game Show...and then...the coups de graw: Shark week....IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I hear that admitting that you have a problem is the first step to solving that addiction. I am not ready to admit that reality television is a problem in my life. There is nothing like watching three or four hours of good old fashion Shark Week shows while eating an entire pizza and drinking half a bottle of crown. I am not pathetic-- I RULE!!!
So, anyone else ever have a strange experience that you know of someone in high school...never really paid much attention, then you meet up like 15 years later at various visits home, and you are looking at him or her and thinking 'YUMMY"? But then you just know that he or she is looking at you and saying "those really were the best years of your life"......
Oh well....transcontinental flings never pan out in the end! Or do they??????
Okay, I am so busted... I have been eating a lot of stuffed crust pizzas, drinking a lot of crown, and taking a lot of naps. Ahhh, the jewels of unemployment. It's really exhausting to have to fit blogging and my many other ignored chores (like cleaning the cat box, showering.....you know, it's the little things!) in between episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 and Jon and Kate Plus 8. Then you throw in a couple episodes of Tori and Dean Inn Love, Deadliest Catch, I Survived a Japanese Game Show...and then...the coups de graw: Shark week....IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I hear that admitting that you have a problem is the first step to solving that addiction. I am not ready to admit that reality television is a problem in my life. There is nothing like watching three or four hours of good old fashion Shark Week shows while eating an entire pizza and drinking half a bottle of crown. I am not pathetic-- I RULE!!!
So, anyone else ever have a strange experience that you know of someone in high school...never really paid much attention, then you meet up like 15 years later at various visits home, and you are looking at him or her and thinking 'YUMMY"? But then you just know that he or she is looking at you and saying "those really were the best years of your life"......
Oh well....transcontinental flings never pan out in the end! Or do they??????
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Hair......cut.....and other horrors......
How do you know if you have a good or bad haircut? I got my hair cut and colored a couple of weeks ago, and I am just not sure..... first, it was a problem that a cut and color cost me $240. Holy Shit- for that much money my hair should style itself and never be grey again.
Did I ever tell you about the time that I knew I had to start coloring my hair? For all of those who are prematurely grey, my condolences. I started to notice grey hair when I was 14 (yup- 14)!!! I remember when I was in high school; I hadn't yet resorted to coloring my hair yet. Now, let me preface this story by telling you that I WAS NOT POPULAR. That being said, it was horrifying when my calculus teacher commented about my grey hair when I was 17. FUCK! It wasn't enough that I was (am) chubby, that I had (sometimes still do) have acne (I thought it would go away at 30....RIGHT!); that I am smart, that I am sarcastic.... all of these things do not bode well for an typical public American high school girl. I wonder why I didn't go to the prom.....anyhow-- let me tell you how great it was for my bearded calculus teacher adjust HER glasses while telling me that I had grey hair.......
So the dying began. The problem with dying your hair is that you can't decide what color really looks best. I have tried red, dark brown, almost blonde....but not too sure what looks good. And the laziness really is an issue here; I am just too lazy to keep up with it. But once you start, it's a necessity. When I don't keep up with the dye job, I look like the french skunk (white stripe down the center of my head). But, look on the bright side, it's a nice bright silver, not a dingy grey (thanks friends, for seeing the positive!!). Can I shave my head? Will it be lumpy? Shaving a head is really an all or nothing thing; you can't go back on that decision!!! :)
I am becoming more and more convinced that I am nothing but an experiment by my parents. Granted, I ended up with some cool stuff- I have sharp as a butter knife wit, and a fear that has kept me from ever using illegal drugs.....but really????? Big ass, a turkey gaggle neck, a metabolism that only rivals molasses uphill in a freeze..
Did I ever tell you about the time that I knew I had to start coloring my hair? For all of those who are prematurely grey, my condolences. I started to notice grey hair when I was 14 (yup- 14)!!! I remember when I was in high school; I hadn't yet resorted to coloring my hair yet. Now, let me preface this story by telling you that I WAS NOT POPULAR. That being said, it was horrifying when my calculus teacher commented about my grey hair when I was 17. FUCK! It wasn't enough that I was (am) chubby, that I had (sometimes still do) have acne (I thought it would go away at 30....RIGHT!); that I am smart, that I am sarcastic.... all of these things do not bode well for an typical public American high school girl. I wonder why I didn't go to the prom.....anyhow-- let me tell you how great it was for my bearded calculus teacher adjust HER glasses while telling me that I had grey hair.......
So the dying began. The problem with dying your hair is that you can't decide what color really looks best. I have tried red, dark brown, almost blonde....but not too sure what looks good. And the laziness really is an issue here; I am just too lazy to keep up with it. But once you start, it's a necessity. When I don't keep up with the dye job, I look like the french skunk (white stripe down the center of my head). But, look on the bright side, it's a nice bright silver, not a dingy grey (thanks friends, for seeing the positive!!). Can I shave my head? Will it be lumpy? Shaving a head is really an all or nothing thing; you can't go back on that decision!!! :)
I am becoming more and more convinced that I am nothing but an experiment by my parents. Granted, I ended up with some cool stuff- I have sharp as a butter knife wit, and a fear that has kept me from ever using illegal drugs.....but really????? Big ass, a turkey gaggle neck, a metabolism that only rivals molasses uphill in a freeze..
Friday, June 27, 2008
**Effing Los Angeles.......
Ahhh Los Angeles! What can I say, except for $4.57 a gallon? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Christ, it cost me $40 to fill my "economy" car today. I can't tell you how thrilled I was to fill up my tank this morning. These gas prices really agree with my unemployment!
Let me bring up another thing unique to LA. I never realized this until I was home all day. People actually go through the garbage seeking recycleables, and these are not homeless people. They are people with "nice" clothes (by comparison, meaning that there are no holes in them, new tennis shoes!). There are maybe three or four people a day looking for plastic bottles, beer cans, and bottles. Thank god I have a problem with alcohol so I can keep these people in the standard to which they have become accustom. I wonder if I should offer them the bags in my kitchen, just so I don't have to walk all the way out to the dumpster. No, maybe not too cool to open my door to a dumpster diver!
And then, I went on a job interview. This is a good thing. I am unemployed and miss earning a paycheck. I have grown accustomed to things like electricity, plumbing, toilet paper. So, I was excited to go on the job interview (though I don't know how it went yet), but it was in Santa Monica. After four years of living in Los Angeles, I will never get used to the traffic patterns. For those of you who are geographically retarded, Santa Monica is about 8 miles from my house. Now, given the fact that the interview was about 8 miles away, you would think that 30 minutes would suffice. But, to make it safe, I allowed 50 minutes, and arrived by the skin of my teeth. No where else does it take that long to go 8 miles ON SIDE STREETS. I'm pretty sure that I will be a road rager soon. Can ANYONE use a fucking turn signal? And why do people always find it necessary to invent a turn lane? Oh, and one last complaint, and then I will stop, for now. At every single light in LA, the light turns yellow, then red, and then four more cars go through thus negating use of the left turn signal for the opposing traffic. Seriously people, green means go, red means STOP- not four more cars turn left and then stop!!! UGH!!!
Let me bring up another thing unique to LA. I never realized this until I was home all day. People actually go through the garbage seeking recycleables, and these are not homeless people. They are people with "nice" clothes (by comparison, meaning that there are no holes in them, new tennis shoes!). There are maybe three or four people a day looking for plastic bottles, beer cans, and bottles. Thank god I have a problem with alcohol so I can keep these people in the standard to which they have become accustom. I wonder if I should offer them the bags in my kitchen, just so I don't have to walk all the way out to the dumpster. No, maybe not too cool to open my door to a dumpster diver!
And then, I went on a job interview. This is a good thing. I am unemployed and miss earning a paycheck. I have grown accustomed to things like electricity, plumbing, toilet paper. So, I was excited to go on the job interview (though I don't know how it went yet), but it was in Santa Monica. After four years of living in Los Angeles, I will never get used to the traffic patterns. For those of you who are geographically retarded, Santa Monica is about 8 miles from my house. Now, given the fact that the interview was about 8 miles away, you would think that 30 minutes would suffice. But, to make it safe, I allowed 50 minutes, and arrived by the skin of my teeth. No where else does it take that long to go 8 miles ON SIDE STREETS. I'm pretty sure that I will be a road rager soon. Can ANYONE use a fucking turn signal? And why do people always find it necessary to invent a turn lane? Oh, and one last complaint, and then I will stop, for now. At every single light in LA, the light turns yellow, then red, and then four more cars go through thus negating use of the left turn signal for the opposing traffic. Seriously people, green means go, red means STOP- not four more cars turn left and then stop!!! UGH!!!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Wipeout
Here I am, a little over one week into unemployment. I had the joy of watching "Wipeout" last night. Before anyone says anything, yes, I understand I have a problem. It's not my fault, I don't have a life right now! Someone has to do it, so let it be me!
So I am watching this new show. Again, not my fault because the new season of Biggest Loser isn't on yet, so I am relegated to watching Wipeout. But I gotta tell you, watching people try to make it through a ridiculous obstacle course for $50,000, priceless! OMG, I haven't laughed that hard in YEARS. IT was awesome. I don't know why watching people take a bite out of a wooden plank or be spun until they nearly ralph is so great, but it is!!! This was like Double Dare, but for old people. WOW- and the male jazz dancer won it all! That was good!
So I am watching this new show. Again, not my fault because the new season of Biggest Loser isn't on yet, so I am relegated to watching Wipeout. But I gotta tell you, watching people try to make it through a ridiculous obstacle course for $50,000, priceless! OMG, I haven't laughed that hard in YEARS. IT was awesome. I don't know why watching people take a bite out of a wooden plank or be spun until they nearly ralph is so great, but it is!!! This was like Double Dare, but for old people. WOW- and the male jazz dancer won it all! That was good!
Monday, June 23, 2008
I Love the 80's
So, I was all about being productive this weekend. I started to do homework, and to work on my resume, and then, there it was. I Love the 80's, on TV, ALL DAY. OMG. So, it started, logically, with 1980. For those of you who have not seen it, it is an hour long show that re-lives each year. So, there I was, in 100+ degree heat, hovering closer and closer to my little A/C, completely addicted to 10 hours of tv. HOLY COW! That show really should have a warning label on it- I was sucked in, I couldn't help myself. But it was oh, so good.
Things I reminisced about- let's see who else remembers these things. Fashion plates. WOW- I so remember coloring with my fashion plates for hours on end. Yes, this may have been for children without a creative bone in their bodies, and granted the "models" were a bit on the racy side for schoolaged children, but it was so much fun! Spiralgraph was another fun one, though I don't think that I had one of my own. It really didn't matter, I would just use my neighbors! She not a lot of stuff that I didn't, hence my diabolical plan to be friends with her (don't worry, we are still friends today!!!). Oh, and remember "My Buddy"-- the doll for boys? Not like any boys I knew of actually played with it, but still- we were trying to be progressive way back in the day~!
And let us not forget about the quality movies that were made in the early 80's. First Blood-- I remember seeing that in the theatre. I was convinced that it was just me who couldn't understand a damn word that Sly said in that film, but come to find out that NO ONE understood what he was saying. And Sly didn't stop there- the Rocky films- very big in those days. I would still sit and watch Rocky films, even today. They are one of those movies that when on TNT or something like that, I can't help but watch it. (Except for Rocky 5; that was bad, so very very bad, Sly should write an apology to me for sitting through that).
And then they talk about the music. 10 hours of 80's music, and of course the matching fashions. Tiffany, anyone? Did anyone ever actually see her in a mall? NKOTB- Holy crap they are terrible. But no one can deny New Edition- this is pre-crack addict wife beating bad boy Bobby Brown- this is when we all still liked Bobby Brown! And last but not least- remember stone washed jeans that we would roll up and then wear like 3 pairs of HUGE socks with our LA Gear Tennis Shoes? Oh, those are the days.
Well, I could go on for hours with the 80's, and no doubt I will return to this topic- perhaps the next time I spend 10 HOURS watching it on VH1. But, I must say, it was THE BEST SHOW EVER!!!!
Things I reminisced about- let's see who else remembers these things. Fashion plates. WOW- I so remember coloring with my fashion plates for hours on end. Yes, this may have been for children without a creative bone in their bodies, and granted the "models" were a bit on the racy side for schoolaged children, but it was so much fun! Spiralgraph was another fun one, though I don't think that I had one of my own. It really didn't matter, I would just use my neighbors! She not a lot of stuff that I didn't, hence my diabolical plan to be friends with her (don't worry, we are still friends today!!!). Oh, and remember "My Buddy"-- the doll for boys? Not like any boys I knew of actually played with it, but still- we were trying to be progressive way back in the day~!
And let us not forget about the quality movies that were made in the early 80's. First Blood-- I remember seeing that in the theatre. I was convinced that it was just me who couldn't understand a damn word that Sly said in that film, but come to find out that NO ONE understood what he was saying. And Sly didn't stop there- the Rocky films- very big in those days. I would still sit and watch Rocky films, even today. They are one of those movies that when on TNT or something like that, I can't help but watch it. (Except for Rocky 5; that was bad, so very very bad, Sly should write an apology to me for sitting through that).
And then they talk about the music. 10 hours of 80's music, and of course the matching fashions. Tiffany, anyone? Did anyone ever actually see her in a mall? NKOTB- Holy crap they are terrible. But no one can deny New Edition- this is pre-crack addict wife beating bad boy Bobby Brown- this is when we all still liked Bobby Brown! And last but not least- remember stone washed jeans that we would roll up and then wear like 3 pairs of HUGE socks with our LA Gear Tennis Shoes? Oh, those are the days.
Well, I could go on for hours with the 80's, and no doubt I will return to this topic- perhaps the next time I spend 10 HOURS watching it on VH1. But, I must say, it was THE BEST SHOW EVER!!!!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Slackers Log Unemployment Date 6.18.2008
Wow-there is a lot of CRAP on television, and yet I find myself addicted. Let me give you an example, Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210 reruns. Wow! Now, you would think that because I now LIVE in California, a mere couple of blocks from Melrose, that I might not want to watch these trashy 10 year old dramas. But, you would be wrong, because I have become re-addicted. This is not good. It's a disease- for which I may not be cured.
Then there is the women's channel- Lifetime and WE and all of that- from Snapped to re-runs of Will and Grace, I need not get off of the couch!! And all of the Discovery channels, OMG! Deadliest Catch (now I want to be a crab fisherman), Jon and Kate Plus 8; Medical Mysteries (by the end of my unemployment I am pretty sure I could be a surgeon and remove most tumors!!) Let us not forget about the plastic surgery shows either-- holy crap they can do a lot of stuff. If only I were rich and could afford the double chin-ectomy that I am dreaming of-- hey, this is Hollywood, right?
Then there is the women's channel- Lifetime and WE and all of that- from Snapped to re-runs of Will and Grace, I need not get off of the couch!! And all of the Discovery channels, OMG! Deadliest Catch (now I want to be a crab fisherman), Jon and Kate Plus 8; Medical Mysteries (by the end of my unemployment I am pretty sure I could be a surgeon and remove most tumors!!) Let us not forget about the plastic surgery shows either-- holy crap they can do a lot of stuff. If only I were rich and could afford the double chin-ectomy that I am dreaming of-- hey, this is Hollywood, right?
Monday, June 16, 2008
Unemployed in LA
So, with nothing but time on my hands as a consequence of being laid off I find myself blogging. A dream come true; not really. So, I was told about this blogger world, and here I am. Hopefully my misadventures as I search for a job will entertain the masses and land me an awesome book deal! :) This way I can buy that sail boat I have been after (mind you I don't know how to sail) but think I would make a damn good skipper.
Nothing much to report as of yet. But alas, there will be! Don't you worry- there are many, many stories of Los Angeles that I can tell! :)
Nothing much to report as of yet. But alas, there will be! Don't you worry- there are many, many stories of Los Angeles that I can tell! :)
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