The magical fruit..

Only to me, could this happen.

I decided to get a massage. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So I found a reasonably priced place in Beverly Hills and in I went. First, I must say that I was nervous about the staff. I don't get my nails done anymore, not because of the price, but because I can't understand the women who do nails. I just cannot understand a very thick Asian accent behind a paper mask. Jeez- and then I feel embarrased when the 95 pound woman is asking me what color nail polish I want and I have to make her repeat the question 27 times and eventually I only get what she is saying when she leads me to the rack o'polish and points.

At any rate, I decided that I didn't want to be dealing with a communication issue while being naked in front of a stranger (call me crazy!). So, I went to a place where they had people with no accent doing the massage. GREAT. So, I get all in the buff, under the blanket and Jerry begins the rub down. All is going according to plan. But then, as I begin to relax a little more, I realize. This is not going to be good. I need to fart.

Now, normally, I would just squeeze the cheeks and perhaps do a little crop dusting with the relative comfort of knowing that it won't be heard and if it is orifactally dectable, no one can trace it to me (hence the brillance of the crop dust). But here I am, lying ass up being rubbed down by a complete stranger. Here are my choices:
1. Let her rip and apologize later.
2. Interrupt the massage to tell Jerry I must go potty
3. Hold it in, risking great personal internal injury

Christ- why do these ridiculous things always happen to me? So I decided that I was WAY too vulnerable in all of my nakedness to tell him that I needed to potty, and there was no way that I could let it rip for fear of it being loud enough that the guy in the next room would hear it. And besides, once you have committed to the fart, you can try to leak it out in the hopes of a silent one, but I have noticed that when you don't have a cushioned office chair beneath you, the air biscuits that you try to hold in tend to come out as squeakers. Now, if you think it is hard not to laugh at a normal fart, try not to laugh when it squekes out. And then, of course, because i am all in the buff, I did, for a split second, worry about the possibilities of a fart plus.

so, in the end, I was able to hold it. I wasn't ready to cross that line with Jerry. Apparently some people think that farts are gross, not funny. I, myself, will ALWAYS laugh at a fart, but I guess some people just don't phave a sense of humor. So, I spent 45 minutes of my 60 minute massage trying DESPERATELY not to fart. And thank god I didn't, because when I got into my car and let it rip, it was a window rattler, let me tell you! Ahhhhh, nothing feels quite as good as the release of gas after prolonged imprisionment.

Thstupid.......(Butthead voice)

I swear to God people should have to get a permit before they reproduce.

I think that I should run for president, what about you guys? I would make a frickin' sweet president. So- this is what I would do to make the world a better place.

People with no common sense will be killed- their bodies used for either experimentation by scientists or for medical practice. What do I mean by common sense? There are a plethora of examples that I can use.....I will get back to that later.

So, how could I make this a better place to live? First, I would change the work week to four days. Then, I would make it so that you have to get a license before you can have kids. Something like you are sterilized at birth and then it is reversed IF you qualify. Of course, the immediate next question is how does one qualify? You cannot use "ain't" in your every day vernacular. If you can't tell me the difference between there, their and they're- immediate disqualification. If you think a lot is one word--- you will not be a parent.

If you have a "breath taking" (Seinfeld reference, for those who get it) baby and don't acknowledge that it should NOT be in a beauty pagent.....uh....no! Please people, understand that your baby's gigantic head is funny, always will be, but does not equate to cute (Weston is not included in this, though his head is GI-HUGIC). You must enjoy Tommy Boy,but not Black Sheep. You must be able to quote the original Vacation (ALL OF IT, BOY). And last but not least, IF you have kids, they must know of Jimmy the cab driver, and the lounge singer (just as they know if Santa).

And yes...I am still fat...diets, as many boys, are THSTUPID

Really......seriously,,,,

So, only in LA could this happen? Someone sleeps in my carport...in the storage space!
OMG I heard him/her snoring this morning. CRAZINESS....

Okay, had to get that one out! Let's see, I have been up to....no good! I can't believe that I actually called my ex.....this was STUPID. I REALLY need to start dating, someone good this time! I can't even believe all this dating stupidness. I kind of think that the single life is pretty good. But then again, there is a little bit of loneliness. But, that is why I have the cat. Tallulah, she is the best cat EVER. She fetches, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I have taught her to sit on command. THAT'S RIGHT. To all the non-belivers out there, I will get it on tape and then when my techno retardation goes away I will put it on U-Tube and then......all those cat haters out there will owe me an apology!

okay- this will be a short posting, I have been too busy, but promises again of weight loss and blogging! :)