We are approcahing another Valentine's Day, and I am preparing the do it alone. Again. Still.
So I have decided rather than being upset about being alone on the day celebrating love that I would think about all of the things that I love and send them a little love in this- my first blog in a REALLY long time. As much as I would like V-Day to be about romance, and about someone sending me gifts and making me feel special....maybe that will come next year. For now, let me talk about what I love, and those things that I want to make feel special.
Was that even proper English? Doesn't matter.
The point is this- I wish that I was still in elementary school so I could make Valentine's for all my friends and put them in the homemade mailboxes we would have hung on our desks. I would spend time the night before, with a list of all of the kids in the class, and I would sign my name on each card, check the recipient's name off of the list, and then move onto the next. It is very likely that while doing the Valentine's cards I would have one of those small boxes with the candy hearts in them. You know the little hearts with the words written on them. This is before the days of "tweet me" being on a heart. I would be picking through all of the hearts eating all of the orange ones, then maybe the green, and the yellow....and then, at the end of the night, the white ones. Here are three of the Valentines I would send.
If I had those awesome Charlie Brown Valentines- or maybe even Strawberry Shortcake Valentine's, this blog is all about who I would give them to.
1. The producers of The Bachelor. I love them for continually picking women to be on this show who are mental trainwrecks. This is awesome, and makes me feel so complete to watch this show and see women who have clearly spent their young years doing sit ups and learning how to apply so much makeup that the skin on their faces ever sees actual daylight that they never had the chance to develop actual personalities. I think it's funny that as much as everyone is laying arounbd the pool sipping cocktails and doing their nails, and no one is reading a book. NEVER ONCE have I seen a person on the show reading a book. Maybe they don't know how to read? So, to the producers of the Bachelor- you get the first rose...er...valentine of the evening!
2. The staff at the LA City Pound where I found my Miss Tallulah Bankhead. My Lula was in a cage, in the sick ward, with a pit bull puppy when I saw her sleeping in her littler box. She was so small and when I picked her up, she was clearly not well. But the moment I held her and felt her little heart beating and she looked up at me with her weepy eyes, I was trapped. When you adopt an animal from the shelter, they always do an inspection on the pet. They took her from me and she was gone for a long time. Eventually the vet came out and had a chat with me. He told me that she had been found alone- and she was about 4 months old. She had some issues though. She had pink eye, fleas, ear mites, an ear infection, an upper respitory infection, ringwork and a huge nodule between her shoulder blades, and finally, they told me she had tapeworm. Then they asked if I still wanted her....really? Of course I still wanted her! I took her home, and she has had some issues. She was on medicine for about the first 3 months I had her. There were ear drops, eye drops, pills, creams.... good GOD. She will turn 6 this year (can that be right?) and she is the single most amazing cat that ever lived (sorry Ilsa, it's true). She goes on a leash, like me to hold her like a baby and go around the house so she can smell in all the corners and the ceiling, she fetches, AND she sits on command. I have the video! So, I would like to send a Valentine to the staff at the shelter for keeping this Hindenberg of a cat alive long enough for me to find her and for her to adopt me. She, and Ilsa, are the love of my life!!!
3. See's Candy- you get my Valentine because you don't have a store close to me. I could eat See's chocolate all day every day. I could go to bed sucking those caramel lollipops and wake up to eat the Chocolate Bordeaux candies. While I was growing up, I had a slow metabolism. Now that I am 35 and I am no longer growing up but am growing out, I have concluded that my metabolism has actually reversed. I have gained weight just thinking about the wonderful, heavenly deliciousness of See's candy. Odddly enough, I would like to send a Valentine's card to See's Candy. I will always love you....you will always comfort me.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
The Life of Lula (and Ilsa)
As you all know, I love my cats. I probably talk about them too much, and I definitely take any and all opportunities to share the video of Lula sitting on command. It's pretty impressive. I have become accustom to the fact that loving your cats makes you a crazy cat lady but somehow having your little dog in a purse that you take grocery shopping is socially acceptable behavior.
But, I digress. My cats have an evil side, I have discovered. Maybe EVIL is a bit too strong, but they certainly have a sinister side. This malfeasance most often presents itself immediately after I take the load of laundry out of the dryer. There is something about my warm clothes that sends my cats into Ecstasy. You may be asking why I call this sinister. It's because of one simple fact, they make a specific and deliberative choice not to just lay in the warm clothes, but to lay in the clothes that are most opposite of them. For example, Ilsa is solid black. In retrospect I should have named her Darth Vadar of the Black Mamba instead of paying tribute to my favorite movie of all time and naming her Ilsa. As most people do, I will do a load of light colored laundry and a load of dark colors. Inevitably Ilsa will dig and burrow herself into the lightest possible section of the laundry basket. It's awesome. Don't think that Lula doesn't find any piece of black or dark colored laundry to quickly shed all over. It's almost like they have a game plan, like they huddled before the laundry was done. You take the white sweater, Ilsa...I'll cover the black slacks....Ready? BREAK. They are usually in the clothes before the basket even gets to my bedroom.
Ilsa can hear the floss come out of the box in a dead sleep from 1000 yards away. As soon as I start flossing my teeth she is on me like white on rice. She LOVES to play with used dental floss. At first, I didn't think much about it. However, one day things went a little too far. I had flossed my teeth in my living room (I'm single, I am allowed to do anything I want in any room of my house that I want) and I tossed the floss into the trashcan. Later that night, Ilsa came tearing out of the bedroom where her litter box was kept. She was freaking out and all I could see as she sped past me was a black blur followed by a streak of white. I managed to wrangle her in and realized that the floss was hanging out of her butt..... so while I got to floss both my teeth and her ass, probably not the best thing for her to do. This has happened so many times that I have to put my floss in a covered trash can because she will carefully sift through all of the trash to find that piece of floss that she knows is there.
There is nothing that Ilsa likes more than when I am working on my computer. For some odd reason, she loves to sit on the laptop....while I am trying to use it. And she's sneaky about it too....she sneaks up behind me and then leaps on the keyboard....all the while giving me that little squinty eyed look that tells me she won that battle and I lost. She does this in bed too. No matter where my feet are, she needs to be there. I hate to sleep with covers on my feet- really I hate to have to wear anything but flip flops on my feet- so when I am trying to sleep she will quickly jump on the bed and actually bite my feet until I move them. And then she will get up, walk around, nudge my face with her head, and then go back and bite my feet. This is the nightly ritual for about an hour each night- thank heavens for Ambien!!!
While most of the shenanigans that happen in my house can be attributed to Ilsa, let me not forget to talk about Lula. She's a little sickly kitty, constantly battling one sort of infection or ailment or another- not unlike my boss! Anyhow, her new ailment is clearly kitty dementia. She's only 7- so not old enough to be fully bat shit crazy, but she is well on her way. She will sit in the bathtub and stare at the tiled walls of the shower and meow. There's nothing there, mind you. She just paces back and forth and meows. She also does this when the heat comes on in the living room. My vents are near the ceiling, so she will simply sit below one of them and meow. It drives me crazy!
But at the end of the day, I still believe that the love between a pet and her owner is a rare form of truly unadulterated love. My cats love me unconditionally, no matter what I have done, or what I look like, who I disappointed, they love me. They love to torture me, but they love me, and I love them!! Whenever I am just about to strangle one of them thinking to myself that Ilsa is why animals in nature eat their young, she looks at me, squints her eyes, tilts her head and meows at me. It gets me every time!
But, I digress. My cats have an evil side, I have discovered. Maybe EVIL is a bit too strong, but they certainly have a sinister side. This malfeasance most often presents itself immediately after I take the load of laundry out of the dryer. There is something about my warm clothes that sends my cats into Ecstasy. You may be asking why I call this sinister. It's because of one simple fact, they make a specific and deliberative choice not to just lay in the warm clothes, but to lay in the clothes that are most opposite of them. For example, Ilsa is solid black. In retrospect I should have named her Darth Vadar of the Black Mamba instead of paying tribute to my favorite movie of all time and naming her Ilsa. As most people do, I will do a load of light colored laundry and a load of dark colors. Inevitably Ilsa will dig and burrow herself into the lightest possible section of the laundry basket. It's awesome. Don't think that Lula doesn't find any piece of black or dark colored laundry to quickly shed all over. It's almost like they have a game plan, like they huddled before the laundry was done. You take the white sweater, Ilsa...I'll cover the black slacks....Ready? BREAK. They are usually in the clothes before the basket even gets to my bedroom.
Ilsa can hear the floss come out of the box in a dead sleep from 1000 yards away. As soon as I start flossing my teeth she is on me like white on rice. She LOVES to play with used dental floss. At first, I didn't think much about it. However, one day things went a little too far. I had flossed my teeth in my living room (I'm single, I am allowed to do anything I want in any room of my house that I want) and I tossed the floss into the trashcan. Later that night, Ilsa came tearing out of the bedroom where her litter box was kept. She was freaking out and all I could see as she sped past me was a black blur followed by a streak of white. I managed to wrangle her in and realized that the floss was hanging out of her butt..... so while I got to floss both my teeth and her ass, probably not the best thing for her to do. This has happened so many times that I have to put my floss in a covered trash can because she will carefully sift through all of the trash to find that piece of floss that she knows is there.
There is nothing that Ilsa likes more than when I am working on my computer. For some odd reason, she loves to sit on the laptop....while I am trying to use it. And she's sneaky about it too....she sneaks up behind me and then leaps on the keyboard....all the while giving me that little squinty eyed look that tells me she won that battle and I lost. She does this in bed too. No matter where my feet are, she needs to be there. I hate to sleep with covers on my feet- really I hate to have to wear anything but flip flops on my feet- so when I am trying to sleep she will quickly jump on the bed and actually bite my feet until I move them. And then she will get up, walk around, nudge my face with her head, and then go back and bite my feet. This is the nightly ritual for about an hour each night- thank heavens for Ambien!!!
While most of the shenanigans that happen in my house can be attributed to Ilsa, let me not forget to talk about Lula. She's a little sickly kitty, constantly battling one sort of infection or ailment or another- not unlike my boss! Anyhow, her new ailment is clearly kitty dementia. She's only 7- so not old enough to be fully bat shit crazy, but she is well on her way. She will sit in the bathtub and stare at the tiled walls of the shower and meow. There's nothing there, mind you. She just paces back and forth and meows. She also does this when the heat comes on in the living room. My vents are near the ceiling, so she will simply sit below one of them and meow. It drives me crazy!
But at the end of the day, I still believe that the love between a pet and her owner is a rare form of truly unadulterated love. My cats love me unconditionally, no matter what I have done, or what I look like, who I disappointed, they love me. They love to torture me, but they love me, and I love them!! Whenever I am just about to strangle one of them thinking to myself that Ilsa is why animals in nature eat their young, she looks at me, squints her eyes, tilts her head and meows at me. It gets me every time!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
More reality TV.....
Wow, I have been gone for a while! I was reminded recently that I used to have a blog when my friend who is about to move to Thailand sent me the link to her blog. Oh yeah....blog.....
So here we go again. I will blame my long time lapse in blogging on reality television.
All of my loyal followers (all two of you) are quite familiar with my borderline obsessive infatuation with reality television. But, even I am calling Bullshit on a few of the new shows that have come out. First, I am still amazed that Dancing with the Stars is still a show. And there are a frightening amount of people who LOVE this show. I tried-- I really tried to like it. But I think I had to draw the line when Kate Gosselin was on it. I thought it was called Dancing with the Stars.....there was no dancing, and they aren't stars!! This year, not only do we have Dancing with the Stars, but we have Diving with the Stars (I think it's called Splash) and Celebrity Wife Swap. Are you kidding me? Seriously.....I don't want to see Wynona Judd trying to dance, I definitely don't want to see her try to dive (no one wants to see that) and I think that most of us don't want to watch her swap lives with some other washed up former star. I have mentioned this before, but I would like to take this opportunity to pitch a reality show that people will watch, and LOVE. I am talking about Celebrity Survivor. I can already picture how this show will revolutionize reality television. It will be spectacular. First, Jeff Probst would have to be one of the contestants.... that is a must. I would like to be the host and give the commentary that he always gives, especially during challenges. I was born to host Celebrity Survivor. Next, we have Lindsay Lohan- and her luxury item cannot be in pill form. When she gets voted off the island, she should be immediately dropped into a volcano. Just an idea..... The next guest would have to be Tom Cruise. I am not sure if a spaceship would drop him off or if he would be posing as a human being for this show, but his participation is a must. I think Alex Trebek and Pat Sayjak should be on the show- on opposite teams of course. While Trebek condescendingly informs his teammates of which plants are indigenous to the island they are on while Sayjack would be playing hangman in the sand....alone. And he would be losing. Jillian Michaels would be on the show, just because she would almost certainly make Tom Cruse and Pat Sayjack cry- we could take bets on how long it would take. I also suggest that Donald Trump be on the show-- I just want to see what happens when his hair is not frozen with hairspray. It would be fun to see if he would melt or spontaneously explode. There are so many "stars" I would like to see on the island, but I will close out this particular fantasy by saying that Bradley Cooper should be on one team while Mark Whalberg and Ted are on the other team. This is purely for scientific reasons... I want to see of Ted also thinks that Bradley Cooper looks like a douche bag and I would love to see Marky Mark kicking that guy's ass! Watching a bear outsmart Cooper is just a bonus. Like I said, scientific!
I have also noticed the plethora of true crime shows- including "I Killed My BFF", "Evil Twins", "Fatal Encounters", "Deadly Women", "Deadly Men," "Notorious", "Snapped", "Wicked Attraction," "Happily Never After", "Snapped- Killer Couples", "Unusual Suspects", "Deadly Sins" , "Scorned, Love Kills", "Blood Relatives", "Nightmare Next Door," "Disappeared," "My Evil Sister," and "Women on Death Row" just to name a few. Beating a dead horse??? The other phenomenon that I don't understand are the paranormal shows. We have "Haunted", "My Ghost Story," "My Ghost Story: Caught on Film", "My Celebrity Ghost Story," "Ghost Encounter," "Paranormal Children", "Unexplained", "Paranormal State,"Haunted Encounters", "Ghostly Encounters," "Paranormal State", "Alien Encounters," "Searching for Bigfoot,....I mean really? We can have 37 different shows about Ghosts but Arrested Development only made it 3 seasons? Something isn't right here. I think the next step in this sick progression will be something like "My Celebrity Sister's Ghost Killed my BFF". Hmmm, do you think that could be a show? Note to self, call A&E...pitch new crappy show.
But I digress, back to the new reality shows. There are now matchmaking shows, shows that follow arrogant and stupid Los Angeles real estate agents, very wealthy Angelino Persians who all love to drink too much while hating eachother, shows about the servers in swanky Beverly Hills restaurants, Housewives, Housewives and more Housewives- and the icing on the cake is a tie between the show about a little girl who really loves cake and speaks with such a strong southern accent that she (and her entire family) need subtitles and another show about some other rednecks who like to shoot ducks.....also with the help of subtitles. What happened to the good quality reality television? Remember when Teen Mom was pure and good? Remember the first couple of seasons of The Real World (I believe Real World New York aired over 20 years ago)? Remember when they used to play videos on MTV? Do they even make videos anymore?
The bottom line for this bored bitch blogger is that I am desperately hoping to see a new genre of quality reality TV- perhaps the person voted off the island or the loser of the sing off should be immediately executed? That would bring some ratings in! Maybe a public flogging for the loser of the immunity challenge. I implore you, very high powered tv executives, think outside of the box for a bit. Give us a Celebrity contest where the loser is dropped into the middle of Kansas and must walk to civilization.
Oh wait- I gotta go- "World's worst tattoos given to evil sisters by rapid monkeys during a major renovation of a condo in Canada" just started.......
So here we go again. I will blame my long time lapse in blogging on reality television.
All of my loyal followers (all two of you) are quite familiar with my borderline obsessive infatuation with reality television. But, even I am calling Bullshit on a few of the new shows that have come out. First, I am still amazed that Dancing with the Stars is still a show. And there are a frightening amount of people who LOVE this show. I tried-- I really tried to like it. But I think I had to draw the line when Kate Gosselin was on it. I thought it was called Dancing with the Stars.....there was no dancing, and they aren't stars!! This year, not only do we have Dancing with the Stars, but we have Diving with the Stars (I think it's called Splash) and Celebrity Wife Swap. Are you kidding me? Seriously.....I don't want to see Wynona Judd trying to dance, I definitely don't want to see her try to dive (no one wants to see that) and I think that most of us don't want to watch her swap lives with some other washed up former star. I have mentioned this before, but I would like to take this opportunity to pitch a reality show that people will watch, and LOVE. I am talking about Celebrity Survivor. I can already picture how this show will revolutionize reality television. It will be spectacular. First, Jeff Probst would have to be one of the contestants.... that is a must. I would like to be the host and give the commentary that he always gives, especially during challenges. I was born to host Celebrity Survivor. Next, we have Lindsay Lohan- and her luxury item cannot be in pill form. When she gets voted off the island, she should be immediately dropped into a volcano. Just an idea..... The next guest would have to be Tom Cruise. I am not sure if a spaceship would drop him off or if he would be posing as a human being for this show, but his participation is a must. I think Alex Trebek and Pat Sayjak should be on the show- on opposite teams of course. While Trebek condescendingly informs his teammates of which plants are indigenous to the island they are on while Sayjack would be playing hangman in the sand....alone. And he would be losing. Jillian Michaels would be on the show, just because she would almost certainly make Tom Cruse and Pat Sayjack cry- we could take bets on how long it would take. I also suggest that Donald Trump be on the show-- I just want to see what happens when his hair is not frozen with hairspray. It would be fun to see if he would melt or spontaneously explode. There are so many "stars" I would like to see on the island, but I will close out this particular fantasy by saying that Bradley Cooper should be on one team while Mark Whalberg and Ted are on the other team. This is purely for scientific reasons... I want to see of Ted also thinks that Bradley Cooper looks like a douche bag and I would love to see Marky Mark kicking that guy's ass! Watching a bear outsmart Cooper is just a bonus. Like I said, scientific!
I have also noticed the plethora of true crime shows- including "I Killed My BFF", "Evil Twins", "Fatal Encounters", "Deadly Women", "Deadly Men," "Notorious", "Snapped", "Wicked Attraction," "Happily Never After", "Snapped- Killer Couples", "Unusual Suspects", "Deadly Sins" , "Scorned, Love Kills", "Blood Relatives", "Nightmare Next Door," "Disappeared," "My Evil Sister," and "Women on Death Row" just to name a few. Beating a dead horse??? The other phenomenon that I don't understand are the paranormal shows. We have "Haunted", "My Ghost Story," "My Ghost Story: Caught on Film", "My Celebrity Ghost Story," "Ghost Encounter," "Paranormal Children", "Unexplained", "Paranormal State,"Haunted Encounters", "Ghostly Encounters," "Paranormal State", "Alien Encounters," "Searching for Bigfoot,....I mean really? We can have 37 different shows about Ghosts but Arrested Development only made it 3 seasons? Something isn't right here. I think the next step in this sick progression will be something like "My Celebrity Sister's Ghost Killed my BFF". Hmmm, do you think that could be a show? Note to self, call A&E...pitch new crappy show.
But I digress, back to the new reality shows. There are now matchmaking shows, shows that follow arrogant and stupid Los Angeles real estate agents, very wealthy Angelino Persians who all love to drink too much while hating eachother, shows about the servers in swanky Beverly Hills restaurants, Housewives, Housewives and more Housewives- and the icing on the cake is a tie between the show about a little girl who really loves cake and speaks with such a strong southern accent that she (and her entire family) need subtitles and another show about some other rednecks who like to shoot ducks.....also with the help of subtitles. What happened to the good quality reality television? Remember when Teen Mom was pure and good? Remember the first couple of seasons of The Real World (I believe Real World New York aired over 20 years ago)? Remember when they used to play videos on MTV? Do they even make videos anymore?
The bottom line for this bored bitch blogger is that I am desperately hoping to see a new genre of quality reality TV- perhaps the person voted off the island or the loser of the sing off should be immediately executed? That would bring some ratings in! Maybe a public flogging for the loser of the immunity challenge. I implore you, very high powered tv executives, think outside of the box for a bit. Give us a Celebrity contest where the loser is dropped into the middle of Kansas and must walk to civilization.
Oh wait- I gotta go- "World's worst tattoos given to evil sisters by rapid monkeys during a major renovation of a condo in Canada" just started.......
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