Survivor

I have a million dollar idea. Celebrity Survivor-- OMG.

This will only be interesting to those of us who have lovingly watched every season/location of Survivor and for those of us who have painstakingly watched this season in Nicaragua. It's okay- we can all admit that we watch the show, and love it more than we'd like to admit, and probably more than is healthy (or normal). Survivor has been woven into the fabric of the American television experience and is emblematic of the duplicity which lives deep in all of us.

My favorite season to date was the Heros vs. Villains. It was fantastic. We knew all of the players, and since the villains were called out by being named villains, we couldn't wait to see what would happen next. Literally, I was sad when each episode ended. That season rivaled any four star movie or National Geographic special that I have ever seen.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that reality television isn't necessarily reality- there is a fair amount of editing and re shooting and plotting by the producers, but the notion of Survivor remains pure in my heart. Who can Survive being out in the wild for 30 + days? Likely they are given toothbrushes (as all of them have hauntingly white teeth) and razors (as the girls don't seem to grow armpit hair-- because THAT would be too much for the American viewing audience); but they have to compete and there are alliances, lying, cheating, stealing, flirting and fighting, all in the name of a $1,00,000 jackpot at the end. Brilliant, if not formulaic, but brilliant.

This season they decided to let a celebrity play. Jimmy Johnson, some type of former NFL coach (sorry, I don't want football, if it were an NBA coach...I would have been all over it!) I realized from the first moment of watching the first show this season that poor Jimmy Johnson wasn't going to make it. You can't put a celebrity with the normal folks- it creates a too uneven playing field. He had a target on his back because everyone knew who he was and that made him a threat; so the Survivors did what I would have done- they kicked him off at the first tribal council. Jimmy was a great leader for his time on the show and that's when it came to me....

Celebrity Survivor! OMG- I have been building this cast for the last couple of weeks and want to see what you guys think of this. First, Jimmy Johnson has to come back. He needs to be able to play in his own crowd. Then I am thinking of either Donald Trump OR Yvanka (the daughter, right?). Would be awesome to see the true entrepreneur and billionaire have to stick it out in the wild; and I would put money on the Trump making it fairly far in this game. Next I think I would have Justin Beiber on the show- just to see what would happen, right? Beiber could be replaced by any of those Jonas people, they would work just the same and seem rather interchangeable, in my opinion. Then we need Lindsay Lohan- this would serve a dual purpose (possibly a triple threat). First, she would be out in the wild- that would be payment enough. The next bonus would be that the public could watch her suffering on a weekly basis, and the third-she would be eliminated. She would be voted off of something (and maybe fed to the lions as she should be!!) Next I see Kelly Rippa...what ever will she do without her electrolux appliances that can boil water in 90 seconds? I see Matthew Maconaghay..because it would be hilarious to see him banging those bongos in a jungle somewhere while competing to be the Ultimate Survivor. I would like to see Charles Barkley on this as well. He is hysterical as an NBA commentator and I think he would be brilliant as his competitive nature would certainly put him as a threat- but a funny one. Oprah would be awesome on this show, but I think that I am more likely to get Dr. Phil who would bring a certain balance to the experience, thought I would love to see him lose his shit and scream at everyone! Wow- that would be awesome. Chelsea Handler and Chuey are a must; along with Conan O'brien and Jay Leno. Really, I just want to see Conan KICK JAY'S ASS! It would be like celebrity death match and Survivor all wrapped up in one. Finally, I think that Rosie O'Donnell and Janice Dickinson should be on the show as well- they would nicely round out the cast.

Now of course, there is still room for a few others and I am kicking around some ideas in my head. I am considering a spot for Kate Gosselin- that could have a lot of potential. Shorty from Pit Boss would add some spice; and perhaps Manny from Modern Family (if I said Rico Rodrigues, not many people would get it). Any other thoughts of potential cast? Have to be careful to not get someone too big because then it would be all about the paparazzi and the glory and fame of it but you need to get people who will fight with each other and some of who, if they became jungle cat food, we wouldn't really miss. We all know from the list above that Chelsea wouldn't be cat food- she would be the one throwing Lindsay to the lions; and Conan could certainly out wit Jay Leno....I wonder if Conan would steal Jay's shoes, fill them with sand and them put them in the water?

OMG-- I am giddy with excitement just thinking of the possibilities of this...and in the end, instead of a cash prize or a donation to some charity- the winner gets to publicly flog Lindsay Lohan....makes it all worth it in my eyes!!!