I read today on Yahoo that there is a model who is upset that she was airbrushed. And here's the kicker ladies- she claims to be a "plus sized" model (Crystal Renn) who was upset that her photo was enhanced to reduce her from a size 10 to a size 2 and made her boobs look bigger. I have so many problems with this, I don't know where to start....but you know that I will list them!!!!
1. Since when is a size 10 "plus sized"? I was a size 10 in 6th grade for Godsakes!
2. So Crystal is upset her photo was doctored......uhhhh.....hello? After 7 years of living in Hollywood, let me be the first to tell you that the people in the magazines don't really look like that! Marcia Cross is a GREAT example. She is gorgeous on the screen, but when she is walking around Westwood without the hair and makeup done, she looks like a tiny normal person (she's really skinny). Reese Witherspoon-- the only reason you would recongize her in a crowd is because she is actually 4 feet tall (I wonder if she needs extensions on her pedals?)
3. If I could ever be airbrushed to be a size 2 (and I don't think that there is enough magic in the post production world) I would so send that picture to all those bitches in high school (who now want to be facebook friends) who used to call me Chubbs.
4. Let us really define plus size, vs normal sized, vs. Hollywood sized. when I was a kid, plus sized meant there was an X next to the size and you had to shop in an entirely different store....or at least you were in a different section. Sure they may lure you in with donuts, but for some reason you weren't allowed to shop with the "normal" people. And then there is regular, which I would contend most of American women fit into. Flat tummy--- yeah right- not while there is a uterus in there!! We are all about 5'6 and a good healthy weight of 140 or so....give or take a few inches and pounds. Now let us turn our attention to Hollywood, where apparently you have to be an annorexic Amazon to be considered for ANYTHING. I just finished watching a whole season of America's Next Top Model where the focus was "petite" women.....the winner was 5'7. So apparently if you are taller than 5 feet and weigh more than a skittle, you are shit out of luck in this town!
5. Crystal is upset about the portyal of her boobs. She thought they looked too big. Well, make up your mind sweetheart. When have you ever seen a "plus sized" model with small boobs. yet, the opposite seems to be not found in narture but created in Lost Angeles- (not a spelling error) where a woman can weigh 98 pounds but have a DD cup. But really, pick your posion. If you are going to claim to be a plus sized model, then dammit-- have the boobs to prove it!!
6. There is a new webite (I don't know the name) but there are commercials about an online shopping experience for plus sized people only. The commercial features a blonde walking about acting all proud that there is this new site.....yet I don't see her muffin top! If I was walking around in Jeans with only a bra on, you wouldn't be able to see if my pants were unbuttoned or not because my Dunlap's has taken over (my belly DUNLAPED over my belt). In the commercial this woman is walking around with the top button of her jeans undone to imply they are too tight; the ad SHOULD show a woman changing from her slacks (jeans suck when you are fat) changing into ice-cream stained SWEATPANTS....because it's all about eatin' pants folks!
7. While we are on the topic (sort of) with modeling.....since when did chicklet teeth become expected? This is a phenomenon that I just don't understand.....I am not a smoker and for those of you who know me understand that I don't drink red wine because it sucks.....but my teeth aren't like Ross's teeth when he had them whitened. People who get their teeth to glow in the dark are stupid.
8. Finally (and I struggled to get this list in with only 8 points) what the hell is with tans? REALLY? I get a tan when I sit in the sun not because I have tanning-able skin but because I have freckles. I have never met another naturally tan person who doesn't have freckles. The people in magazines don't. When I get sun, one of two things will happen. Either I will have the illusion of a tan because all of my freckles will have colluded to create one GIANT freckle, or I will BURN and go from lobster red back to my normal pasty white. But here is where I am confused--- there is now a sin tax on tanning booths? So being tan is so important to people that the government is trying to make a buck out of them (yet not legalizing gay marriage.....???) but there are warnings all over the place (even on TMZ) about the dangers of skin cancer, yet there is a sin tax for tanning.
With all of this to consider, is it any wonder I am an alcoholic? (JUST KIDDING)...........:)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
The Real Housewives of New Jersey????
I totally thought that I was over reality TV. Then I had the fortune to turn on Bravo running a "Real Housewives of New Jersey" marathon. I never thought that I would love a marathon, but I am hooked.
Let me explain. I was a victim to the horror of the Housewives of the OC. If ever there was a Hindenberg of TV, this was it. But, like every good American passing a car crash, I couldn't help but watch it. I found myself really annoyed at most of these women, because they were cougars, weighed 100 pounds or less, put makeup on to take a shower, and spent thousands on boob jobs, face lifts and other "treatments". So, as you all know, this was a little difficult for me to associate with. And it made me feel bad about myself. They all have huge houses, live these entitled lives, spend their time on girls weekends in San Francisco.... Whenever I watched those shows I felt bad about myself. I am approaching their age and am barely able to hang on to a tiny apartment in West Hollywood not to mention not able to find a mate (becuase EVERY man in LA on eharmony is 6 feet tall).
But in my unemployment, the clouds parted and heaven showed me that there is hope, in New Jersey. OMG- this is my crowd. These are women who don't work out but still wear the tight bedazzled dresses, who break the heels off of their shoes when they get into a FIST FIGHT at a fashion show and women who wear their lipliner about an inch above their irridescantly painted "lips", these are my people! Wow, watching this train wreck makes me feel good about myself, I don't want to stop the car to look at this disaster. But, alas, I did stop the car (or the remote control as the case had it) and watched.... and watched and watched. It was great---- I actually feel good about myself when I compare my life to those in New Jersey, and I don't have a job, a good body, an appointment for botox OR a husband........
Sad Sad Sad
Let me explain. I was a victim to the horror of the Housewives of the OC. If ever there was a Hindenberg of TV, this was it. But, like every good American passing a car crash, I couldn't help but watch it. I found myself really annoyed at most of these women, because they were cougars, weighed 100 pounds or less, put makeup on to take a shower, and spent thousands on boob jobs, face lifts and other "treatments". So, as you all know, this was a little difficult for me to associate with. And it made me feel bad about myself. They all have huge houses, live these entitled lives, spend their time on girls weekends in San Francisco.... Whenever I watched those shows I felt bad about myself. I am approaching their age and am barely able to hang on to a tiny apartment in West Hollywood not to mention not able to find a mate (becuase EVERY man in LA on eharmony is 6 feet tall).
But in my unemployment, the clouds parted and heaven showed me that there is hope, in New Jersey. OMG- this is my crowd. These are women who don't work out but still wear the tight bedazzled dresses, who break the heels off of their shoes when they get into a FIST FIGHT at a fashion show and women who wear their lipliner about an inch above their irridescantly painted "lips", these are my people! Wow, watching this train wreck makes me feel good about myself, I don't want to stop the car to look at this disaster. But, alas, I did stop the car (or the remote control as the case had it) and watched.... and watched and watched. It was great---- I actually feel good about myself when I compare my life to those in New Jersey, and I don't have a job, a good body, an appointment for botox OR a husband........
Sad Sad Sad
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Angelina Jolie and other freaks of nature
I have found myself wondering about some things, as my mind wanders during the commercial breaks on The Deadliest Catch and America's Next Top Model. (Okay, and the batchelorette). Anyhow- there are a few things that I am wondering about.
1. Angelina Jolie: She is....strange. I guess Shiloh, the first real baby between Brad and Angelina, thinks that she is a boy. Apparently the parents are doing nothing to curb this thinking so they let her wear boy clothes with boy hair and all that. Which is fine....I thought I was a boy for a while. But I am wondering if she thinks sje is a boy becasue her mother (whom she may never has actually met) looks like a boy when all the makeup and baggy red carpet dresses come off. I would bet that Shiloh, at age 5 (I think) weighs almost as much as Angelina, and the fact that this little girl must be confused with the We Are The World going on at her house. But then I wonder, when Angelina goes to these far away lands to get a new baby, are the other children frightened of her? Do these starving people offer her their food because she looks to be in worse shape then they are? Imagione how the indiginous people of those places must feel. They see this ghostly white, 9 foot tall woman who is pushing the scales at about 90 pounds....her mouth is huge and the only thing that looks healthy on her entire body. these people believe in old school worship- they probably think she is the god of the Amazon people, come to life to take one of their babies. They are probably scared to DEATH.
2. Martina McBride and Sunny Delight. It is a well known fact that I get very angry at certain commercials. I am not sure what is wrong with me that some people and some commercials evoke such a negative yet passionate response. All I have to say out of this is: Martina McBride singing "Shine On" (Which are apparently the only words to that song) while the shadows dance...makes me want to hurl. I propose a boycott of all Sunny Delight Product until that commercial is pulled and the tapes burned in effigy.
3. Billy the Exterminator has now become one of my new favorite shows. Who would have thought that a southern exterminator would teach me so much? I mean, let's be honest about our prejudgements about people with a deep southern accent who get excited 'bout gators. They don't strike me as the smartest people in the world. I know that this is completely like racial profiling, and I am not proud to admit it, but I think that we need to get it out on the table. If I have to have brain surgery for something and I have a choice between a Brit and a Southerner, I don't think I am the only one who picks the Brit. So Billy is from the south (not that there's anything wrong with that....my father's from the south.....not really but I want to see how many people understand that reference). And by watching his show I have learned that armadillos can swim, rarely do bats carry rabies, any 'gator over 6 feet long in a Private pond has to be killed, and you sometimes have to catch pigeons with your hands. OMG- I wouldn't touch a pigeon with a ten foot pole.......shifty little critters. But this southern show has made me smarter, in the event I run into any armadillos.
4. The noise makers at the 2010 World Cup, is the most annoying sound in the world. I never thought that someone would create a device to make the same sound Harry and Lloyd made to Danny Aiello on the road trip to ASPIN, where the beer flows like wine and women will flock to you like the salmon of capistrano.
1. Angelina Jolie: She is....strange. I guess Shiloh, the first real baby between Brad and Angelina, thinks that she is a boy. Apparently the parents are doing nothing to curb this thinking so they let her wear boy clothes with boy hair and all that. Which is fine....I thought I was a boy for a while. But I am wondering if she thinks sje is a boy becasue her mother (whom she may never has actually met) looks like a boy when all the makeup and baggy red carpet dresses come off. I would bet that Shiloh, at age 5 (I think) weighs almost as much as Angelina, and the fact that this little girl must be confused with the We Are The World going on at her house. But then I wonder, when Angelina goes to these far away lands to get a new baby, are the other children frightened of her? Do these starving people offer her their food because she looks to be in worse shape then they are? Imagione how the indiginous people of those places must feel. They see this ghostly white, 9 foot tall woman who is pushing the scales at about 90 pounds....her mouth is huge and the only thing that looks healthy on her entire body. these people believe in old school worship- they probably think she is the god of the Amazon people, come to life to take one of their babies. They are probably scared to DEATH.
2. Martina McBride and Sunny Delight. It is a well known fact that I get very angry at certain commercials. I am not sure what is wrong with me that some people and some commercials evoke such a negative yet passionate response. All I have to say out of this is: Martina McBride singing "Shine On" (Which are apparently the only words to that song) while the shadows dance...makes me want to hurl. I propose a boycott of all Sunny Delight Product until that commercial is pulled and the tapes burned in effigy.
3. Billy the Exterminator has now become one of my new favorite shows. Who would have thought that a southern exterminator would teach me so much? I mean, let's be honest about our prejudgements about people with a deep southern accent who get excited 'bout gators. They don't strike me as the smartest people in the world. I know that this is completely like racial profiling, and I am not proud to admit it, but I think that we need to get it out on the table. If I have to have brain surgery for something and I have a choice between a Brit and a Southerner, I don't think I am the only one who picks the Brit. So Billy is from the south (not that there's anything wrong with that....my father's from the south.....not really but I want to see how many people understand that reference). And by watching his show I have learned that armadillos can swim, rarely do bats carry rabies, any 'gator over 6 feet long in a Private pond has to be killed, and you sometimes have to catch pigeons with your hands. OMG- I wouldn't touch a pigeon with a ten foot pole.......shifty little critters. But this southern show has made me smarter, in the event I run into any armadillos.
4. The noise makers at the 2010 World Cup, is the most annoying sound in the world. I never thought that someone would create a device to make the same sound Harry and Lloyd made to Danny Aiello on the road trip to ASPIN, where the beer flows like wine and women will flock to you like the salmon of capistrano.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Where oh where did my little pet rock go?
I am reaching out to those of you who may, on occassion read the blog. I need to know that you are out there. Please leave me a comment here and there--- just to know that someone, besides me, is laughing at my ridiculousness.
I am not famous. I know, I thought that too. It befuddles me. But, I am not famous. Justin Beiber is famous. Can you explain that to me? I would like to think that I offer the world more than a douchebag haircut on a prebescanet teen ager who likely will never reach the weight I am currently toying with. REALLY? Come one... please let the fact that I shared the humilition of the pirate booze cruise which went so very very wrong, as well as sharing the story that I really needed to fart about 5 minuted into my first full body massage in Beverly Hills. Must I keep humiliating myself in order to gain readership?
Well......being unemployed, I have nothing but humiliation circling my head like moons orbit Jupiter. Today was the first day I put a bra on....in....awhile. So while some girls would say that that it rocks not to have a bra, I gotta tell you that I cannot run without the banana's screaming for mercy. And I watch TV and see that Justin Beiber is famous and likely has made more money during the creation of this blog than I will make this year. This is TERRIBLE. What does he do? Is he a Corey Haim in training? I can remember other teenage douche bags who thought they were untouchable......how many of them do we still know? Mylie Cyrus doesn't count, because she sucks. Hey, what is Tiffany doing these days? What about Debbie (excuse me, Deborah) Gibson doing right now? How about Nu Shooz? But....what can I do? Any suggestions? I am looking for my pet rock, folks. Help....Bueller? Bueller.....something D-O-O economics....Voo doo economics. And did it help? did it help? No it did not help and the united states sank deeper into the great depression.
I am not famous. I know, I thought that too. It befuddles me. But, I am not famous. Justin Beiber is famous. Can you explain that to me? I would like to think that I offer the world more than a douchebag haircut on a prebescanet teen ager who likely will never reach the weight I am currently toying with. REALLY? Come one... please let the fact that I shared the humilition of the pirate booze cruise which went so very very wrong, as well as sharing the story that I really needed to fart about 5 minuted into my first full body massage in Beverly Hills. Must I keep humiliating myself in order to gain readership?
Well......being unemployed, I have nothing but humiliation circling my head like moons orbit Jupiter. Today was the first day I put a bra on....in....awhile. So while some girls would say that that it rocks not to have a bra, I gotta tell you that I cannot run without the banana's screaming for mercy. And I watch TV and see that Justin Beiber is famous and likely has made more money during the creation of this blog than I will make this year. This is TERRIBLE. What does he do? Is he a Corey Haim in training? I can remember other teenage douche bags who thought they were untouchable......how many of them do we still know? Mylie Cyrus doesn't count, because she sucks. Hey, what is Tiffany doing these days? What about Debbie (excuse me, Deborah) Gibson doing right now? How about Nu Shooz? But....what can I do? Any suggestions? I am looking for my pet rock, folks. Help....Bueller? Bueller.....something D-O-O economics....Voo doo economics. And did it help? did it help? No it did not help and the united states sank deeper into the great depression.
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