I don't keep a sparkling clean house, I pee in the shower (doesn't EVERYONE?), and during winter months, I will go an alarmingly long time between leg shaves. I suppose there are a lot of habits that I have that I think make me easy going- other people may think I am either retarded or strung out on some type of heavy narcotic. Some people call me quirky....I think I am REAL. I don't pluck my eyebrows until the one maniacal eyebrow hair has become so long it actually impairs my vision. I have been known to wear my slippers to Target. I am unashamedly ill concerned with what people think of me. Well...not entirely true. That's the mantra of an overweight, smart girl speaking! I don't wash my jeans until I have spilled something on them (this could go weeks and weeks). I NEVER floss my teeth. I am addicted to stupid reality television (it's not really stupid, right?) I have quit going to the gym and accepting that I will likely always wear granny panties (if any at all) which lose their elasticity because I wash ALL my clothes together in a warm permanent press cycle. When I have a really loud belch, I laugh at myself. I wonder what my neighbors think? I am NOT a crazy cat lady (okay, a little bit I am). These are the little quirks that make me AWESOME.
I have an unhealthy addiction to Survivor. Thank God Bret Michaels found love, or I would likely need to seek help for the addiction to Rock of Love! I will break a date or engagement for a basketball game. I am becoming more comfortable with the fact that I have dunlap's disease: my belly done lapped over my undies. I have a lot of tee- shirts with inexplicable stains on them- could be butter- could be beer..who knows! The point is, that while I am filled with many, many "quirks", I am still on the open market. I am still single- imagine that. I am not sure if it's because I don't want ANYONE to touch me when I am sleeping (seriously, who spoons?) or if it's because I am so lazy that I will wait until my bladder is having spasms before I pee. And while I am peeing, I am wondering how much time people spend in their entire lives on the toilet? I don't go to the gym because......see previous sentence and you will understand my laziness. I have never seen Star Wars (any of them). I am pretty sure that I am more talented and prettier (sans the turkey gaggle and HUGE ass that will never go away- thanks Genetics) than most people in Hollywood.
I could go on for hours...but the point is that though I have many quirks, I am real. I think everyone is a scab picker at heart; and I think that most people will pop a zit in front of the mirror with as much enthusiasm as I do. I really wish that people could let go of all of their pretenses and the need to put on makeup in order to take a shower so we could all learn who the real people of the world are. I wish that people from all over this great, fake land of mine (Hollywierd) would put away their fake eyelashes and would take off their padded bras and just be real. Since when do women wear high heels with jeans.....what is that all about? But these are the dirty little secrets that we all have...so in the infamous words of Rodney King: "can't we all just get along?" All women have forgotten weather they took the last tampon out before putting in the new one- and then panicking about toxic shock syndrome because she realizes that she has put in 2 tampons, right?
