There are some grievances, that when committed against me, should be immediately punishable by death. That being said, I think it is only fair that I make a list of these crimes as a fair warning.
In true Letterman fashion:
10. Using the "word" "irregardless". No better litmus test of someone's IQ than if he or she uses irregardless in every day conversation. Punishable by manila folder papercutting to death.
9. Their and there-- they're not the same. Not now, not ever. Punishable by watching 7 Years in Tibet until you actually die of boredom.
8. A solid double yellow line means YOU CANNOT TURN HERE. It doesn't matter if there is a Whole Foods that you must get into; it doesn't matter that "it's a victimless crime". When I miss the 3 second left turn signal window because you have to get to Whole Foods and to do that you have to cross the double yellow line, I am the victim. Punishable by listening to a screaming baby until you are forced to jump off of a tall building.
7. While I feel there is a conspiracy in the greater Los Angeles area controlled by the painters union which has explicitly instructed all parking spaces to diminish in size by 1/4 of an in each year with the sole intention of pissing me off, that does not excuse people who drive SUV's to park in these spots next to my car (in particular when there are 38 other open spots a mere 10 feet away). Compact is compact, and it is not a matter of opinion. Punishable by seclusion in a toothpaste colored 1989 Ford Tempo in the WEHO Target parking garage on a humid day.
6. Taking up both spaces at the gas station when there is enough room for two people to fill up their cars at the same time. Enough said. Punishable by drinking the gasoline for which you made me wait.
5. When I am on the phone with someone, I try to have a conversation with only that person. If you can't talk with me without being interrupted, and having ten other conversations with other people while on the phone with me, let's not talk on the phone. Punishable by being glued to a public pay phone in downtown LA.
4. I counted 17 Landrovers during a 4 mile drive yesterday. 17.....anyone who buys a Landrover should be taken out back and run over 1000 times by a Landrover. And LANDROVERS ARE NOT COMPACT.
3. When I order chicken nuggets with ranch sauce, I would appreciate my ranch sauce. When I order a Diet Coke, I don't mean a Diet Pepsi, and they are not the same. For those who can't get these simple orders correct, punishment is death by drowning- in Diet Pepsi and BBQ sauce.
2. Lindsay Lohan. She is a crime against not only Christine, but against humanity. Punishable by being linked surgically to Lindsay Lohan for the remainder of your lives.
And the number one crime against Christine that should be punishable by death is.....
1. The non-useage of turn signals, in any and all circumstances when one needs to turn. Punishment is death by a swift knuckle punch in the larynx, blissfully delivered by yours truly.
